On the weekend, Baekhyun sends Kyungsoo a text, asking him if he wants to grab drinks in Hongdae with a few others.
Define “a few”, Kyungsoo replies, and his text gets ignored.
Baekhyun ends up texting Sunyoung after, and Sunyoung is immediately sold. She shoos Kyungsoo off the bed and into a pair of jeans in less than ten minutes.
It’s a crisp night. Sunyoung latches onto his arm as they duck into the bar. The place is a tiny bit shoddier than the usual bars Baekhyun liked, but inside, the atmosphere is easy and mellow, filled mostly with students.
Baekhyun really had only invited a few. Just Chanyeol, Jongin, Yixing and Sehun crowded into one table with Baekhyun grabbing a round of drinks from the bar. The five of them cram into the booth a bit more to make room for Sunyoung and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun steals a chair from another table.
“There’s enough room, Baek,” Kyungsoo tells him.
“Oh no, we have someone else in the bathroom,” Jongin cuts in. His eyes are glinting, even in low light. “Sehun brought his friend.”
Sunyoung is on him in less than a second. “What friend?” she gasps, clutching at Sehun’s arm.
“The hoobae?” says Kyungsoo. Jongin nods.
“Oh my God, Jongin, shut up,” Sehun grumbles.
The girl shows up a minute later, dressed in tights and a long sweater and Kyungsoo steps out of the booth to let her sit beside Sehun. She introduces herself as Sooyoung, and she has a sweet, round face and black hair cropped to her shoulders.
A half hour later, Kyungsoo offers to pay for the second round.
“I’ll go with you, hyung,” Jongin stands up, sliding out of the booth after him.
They navigate through the tables, side-stepping the occasional rowdy drunk. Jongin’s arm falls on Kyungsoo’s shoulder to move him out of the way. When they get to the bar, Jongin doubles the order and pays for half, promptly waving away Kyungsoo’s protest. Then he pulls a stool back for Kyungsoo to sit as they wait for their drinks.
“Sunyoung-noona is still the same as ever,” he says, crossing his long legs. His knees knock against Kyungsoo’s as he shifts. “Loud and motherly.”
“She’s always been that away,” Kyungsoo says.
Jongin’s smile is reminiscent. “I know. She happily frets over anyone,” he replies. “It makes sense you guys ended up marrying.”
“Really?” Kyungsoo murmurs, propping his elbow up on the counter. “Are you saying I need someone to fret over me?”
Jongin just laughs lightly. He’s bouncing his leg to the beat of the house mix, playing low over the speakers. “Not ‘need’, but I think it’s always good to have someone,” he says, “to keep you grounded.”
Kyungsoo glances over at their table. Baekhyun is trying to stuff an ice cube down Chanyeol’s shirt and is failing miserably. Sehun is laughing like a seal, while Yixing, pink-faced, watches on in careful amusement. The girls are wrapped up in their own conversation.
“Sunyoung-noona stares at you a lot,” Jongin continues. The bartender sets down the first half of their order. “When you aren’t looking. She stares, like she’s making sure you’re all right.”
Kyungsoo fiddles with a loose thread on his sweater, looking down at his lap. Once upon a time, Sunyoung might have kept Kyungsoo grounded. But now, he’s floating, every time he looks at her. He feels farther and farther away from earth when he catches her staring at him too intensely. “Does Yixing keep you grounded?” he asks.
Jongin looks surprised for a second, pausing. “Yixing-hyung,” he says. “He’s… he’s very sweet.”
“I can tell,” Kyungsoo pulls at the loose thread until it snaps free.
Jongin licks his lips slowly, smile fading. He rarely looks so solemn, Kyungsoo thinks. His blond hair is bright, the moving lights above them occasionally catching on the strands. “You’re… um, you’re okay with Yixing, right?” he says gingerly.
Kyungsoo straightens in his stool. “‘Okay’?” he repeats.
“Like, me and Yixing…?” Jongin’s hands tighten, clutching his knee.
He’s not quite looking at Kyungsoo, but his stare is hard. Nervous. And Kyungsoo, suddenly, remembers that in this life, Jongin hadn’t called Kyungsoo up in the middle of the night to tell him, between shuddering breaths, that the bruise on his cheek hadn’t been from a bad fall but because a college kid had seen Jongin in the locker room with another boy.
“What’s wrong with being in a locker room with another boy?” Kyungsoo had asked, but then Jongin’s voice had choked and broken and he was crying in hard sobs, and the realization had washed over Kyungsoo like an ocean wave.
“Oh Jonginnie. That will never matter to me,” Kyungsoo had said, soft and insistent. “Never ever, okay?” Kyungsoo had stayed on the line until Jongin’s breathing had evened out again. “You’re the same old Jongin to me.”
“You’re the same old Jongin to me,” Kyungsoo says. He grasps one of the cold beers set out on the counter. The condensation makes his palm wet. He manages a smile then, before taking a long sip of his drink. “Sehun called you half golden retriever, by the way.”
Jongin tilts his head, relief loosening his shoulders as he laughs. “Don’t listen to anything Sehun says,” he mutters lowly. Then he leans forward in his stool, one hand reaching over to wipe beer foam off the top of Kyungsoo’s lip. His face is so close. Kyungsoo holds his breath.
“What…” he starts to say.
Jongin pulls back quickly. His hand retracts and falls down to his side. “I’m sorry,” he pushes the hair out of his forehead, sucking in his lower lip. “I don’t know why I…” He gives Kyungsoo one of his small, easy smiles, but his eyes are swimming. “I guess it just feels like I’ve known you longer.”
The rest of their order arrives. Kyungsoo exhales, stepping off his stool. “You do know me,” he says quietly. He gathers a few of the beers in his hands. Jongin grabs the rest. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if Jongin’s heard him, but he’s walking back to the table before Jongin can say anything else.
He spends the rest of the night only half-present, his mind drifting in and out of memories. He doesn’t know how much time has passed before Sunyoung’s hand is on his shoulder, asking him if he’d like to go home now.
Kyungsoo nods. They exchange goodbyes with everyone before stepping out of the bar. It’s gotten colder outside. Night air nips at his heated cheeks. Sunyoung grabs his hand and huddles close to him. He can smell her shampoo when she rests her head lightly against his arm. Neither of them say anything for a while. It’s a Saturday and Hongdae is noisy with buskers and the clamour of university students whose nights have just started. Sunyoung hums along to the street music for a few blocks.
They hit a crosswalk. A trail of cars go by. They stop and wait.
“You’re not the same,” she tells him suddenly.
Kyungsoo’s heart beats in his ears. “What?”
“Since New Years’,” she clarifies, gripping his arm tighter when the breeze comes by to tousle her hair. “You’ve felt so far away. I can’t…” Kyungsoo can feel her sighing. “I can’t place it.” She pauses then, and he’s almost scared to look at her face. He’s scared to recognize the uneasiness in her expression.
They’ve been here before.
“I didn’t see it at first,” she says. The cars stop. They start to walk again. When Kyungsoo inhales, the night air is thick and fills his lungs like slime. “But I think I see it now. When you stare at Jongin—“
The boulder in Kyungsoo’s stomach drops. “Sunyoung—“
“—your eyes are so full,” she barrels on. Maybe she can feel Kyungsoo shaking, so she stops them again. It’s not a good place to stop, in the middle of the sidewalk. A grumbling bunch of students in Hongik sweaters step around them. “And your smile is so tentative,” she says. Her hand finds his cheek. He used to love the way she did that. “Like you’re afraid.”
“Sunyoung, please,” Kyungsoo whispers.
But when he looks her in the eye, there’s nothing but tender sympathy. He searches for a drop of anger or judgement. She just smiles, a gentle smile. Motherly, Jongin had called it. Kyungsoo agrees. Sunyoung has always been gentle, and all of a sudden, as her smile stays poised on her pink lips, Kyungsoo allows himself to believe that perhaps, Sunyoung has always known.
“You have to know, Soo,” she says, pulling him a bit to the side of the pathway, “that this isn’t new to me. I know that… Jongin isn’t your friend the way Sehun is.”
“I’m…” Kyungsoo scratches at his nose. Freezing.
“I used to think about it but,” she shrugs one shoulder, “I never wanted to. Now though,” she grabs his face and turns it forward so that Kyungsoo is looking directly at her, “We are not teenagers. I’m not going to run away from this. And you shouldn’t either.”
It flashes through his head again: Sunyoung from the other life, with wide, scared eyes—in the moonlight, stepping out of his arms… “But do you love me?”
The question, the way she’d said it, it always haunted Kyungsoo.
Of course I do.
More than Jongin?
Kyungsoo had frozen up so tense that by the time an answer had been sitting on his lips, Sunyoung had let it go.
But this isn’t the same Sunyoung, Kyungsoo can tell. Tonight, nothing is getting past her.
“Where are we going, Kyungsoo?” she says. Kyungsoo blinks, feeling his chest cave in at how familiar it all is. They’ve been here before. “Us. This. You and me. You have to stop and ask yourself that.”
This is how she’d died; with her voice so soft that Kyungsoo had looked over to get a glimpse of her, and he’d missed the ice up ahead. Skid, shattered glass, snapped neck. He’d never given her an answer then.
“I don’t know,” he replies, shivering from the wind or maybe from the honesty in his own voice.
“Soo. You can’t rewrite history,” she says, reaching over to zip up his coat to his chin. “But the future,” she smiles and it makes Kyungsoo want to smile too, “The future is a blank slate. And you deserve to write the best story you can.”
The future has always scared Kyungsoo, more than anything. But when he looks at Sunyoung now, there’s a resignedness in the soft wrinkle between her eyebrows, at the edges of her mouth. Not a trace of regret, Kyungsoo notices, with a shuddering sort of realization.
Sunyoung steps forward to hug him, her lips reaching up to his ear. And suddenly, all Kyungsoo can think about is how her warmth is not the same as Jongin’s warmth. Her smile doesn’t light a fire deep in his gut, all the way up to his heart. “Sometimes, we fall in love,” she whispers, and although there are buskers across the street singing loudly into the night, Kyungsoo still hears Sunyoung’s voice melting into him, even louder. “And sometimes, we fall out of it.”
She pulls back, eyes twinkling from the streetlights. “And both of those are okay.”
Kyungsoo closes his eyes, opens them again. “I love you so much, Sunyoung.” He says it all in a single breath, as if the words have been knocked out of him. He feels the need to say it. “You were everything I wanted—“
“But not what you need,” she finishes, squeezing his arm once.
The future—Kyungsoo doesn’t see it as clearly as he can see the past, can’t truly make sense of it. Because it’s frightening to stare out at the horizon, not knowing what lies beyond.
He swallows through the lump in his throat. “You’ll always be important to me,” he says to her. “That will never be rewritten.”
Her eyes go wide. He watches as she takes a long, deep breath. Then she’s grinning, laughing, and it’s nostalgic and new and lovely all at once, and something in his chest lightens just the smallest bit because it feels like the goodbye he’s always wanted to give her—the one she deserved, the one that was finally honest.
+ N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 7 +
“Hey,” Joonmyeon says, placing a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Your phone is ringing.”
Kyungsoo’s gaze shifts away from the computer monitor, eyes burning like he’s forgotten to blink. Joonmyeon is giving him a careful look, and Kyungsoo smiles wanly. “Thanks.”
“You know, you’re free to call it a day, Kyungsoo,” Joonmyeon adds. Kyungsoo’s phone is rattling urgently on a stack of papers. Kyungsoo hadn’t even heard it. His mind had been somewhere else, falling through space and time as he tried to remember what day of the week it was. All the days were bleeding together, even more so now than before. “You seem tired.”
“I’m all right, just… a bit distracted,” Kyungsoo says, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. He slides his finger along his phone screen, without checking. “Hello?”
“Hyung! You busy?”
Kyungsoo sits up in his desk chair. “Jongin?”
“Hi, hyung,” Jongin greets. A car horn goes off in the distance. “I just remembered—it’s Chanyeol-hyung’s birthday in a few days. Are you busy? Do you want to come and get his present with me?”
“I—“ Kyungsoo stutters. “Sure?”
Jongin’s chuckle is smooth through the phone. “Great, I’m terrible at buying presents on my own,” he lets out a relieved sigh. “Why don’t you come by my place? I need to get changed, anyways. I’m sweaty from dance practice. But we can head out from my apartment in, say, forty minutes?”
Kyungsoo glances at Joonmyeon, who looks up from his laptop and seems to read Kyungsoo’s mind. He makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. Call it a day, he mouths. “Um,” Kyungsoo says into the phone, smiling gratefully at Joonmyeon. “All right. I’ll be there soon.”
“I’ll text you my address,” says Jongin, talking over the traffic. It’s loud on his end, more car horns and the roar of engines almost drowning out his voice. “See you soon!”
Kyungsoo gathers his things into his backpack, then bows to Joonmyeon on his way out. When he exits campus, he hops into a cab, mumbling Jongin’s address to the driver.
After about fifteen minutes, Kyungsoo decides he can walk the rest of the way. It’s not cold outside, even by Kyungsoo’s standards, but his hands and nose are still chilled by the time he’s outside Jongin’s building. He takes the elevator up. The doors slide open into a sleek corridor. He’s been here before, a handful of times. But not in this life, he has to remind himself, as he straightens his shoulders and walks down the hall to Jongin’s door, half on instinct.
He pushes the buzzer carefully. There’s a shuffling of feet against hardwood from the other side and his chest fills with a strange mixture of trepidation and excitement.
“Hey, you’re early!” Jongin says, when the door pulls open.
And Kyungsoo’s heart promptly flies up his throat. He gulps, as if trying to swallow the feeling back down, but it just makes Kyungsoo feel like he’s choking on air.
Jongin’s in dark-wash jeans and is, very notably, missing a shirt. His hair has gone from a platinum blond to an ashier colour, since the last time Kyungsoo had seen him, and Kyungsoo tries to distract himself with this fact, instead of focusing on the water droplets dotted along Jongin’s tan collarbones.
“Sorry—“ Kyungsoo tries to say but he sounds like a teenager so he clears his throat and tries again. His lungs are kind of squeezing in his chest and he thinks he might asphyxiate. “Sorry. I should have texted.”
“I don’t mind,” Jongin smiles, and it’s doing nothing to curb the bubbly sensation in Kyungsoo’s gut. “Come in. I was just in the shower, but I’ll be ready soon. Can I get you anything, hyung?”
A t-shirt, Kyungsoo thinks desperately. “No, I’m good,” he says, trying to return Jongin’s casual smile but he probably fails miserably. He thinks his stomach acid is twirling into a hurricane, deep inside of him.
Which is, of course, ridiculous. Because he’s seen Jongin without a shirt on before—if not in this life, than in his old one. Then again, that had been in college—and back then, Jongin hadn’t been chiseled like a model off a billboard. It’s positively disorienting.
But perhaps, more importantly, back then, Kyungsoo’s every thought hadn’t been consumed by how much he missed Jongin’s friendship. His laugh. His warmth. And no matter how close they might have gotten this year, this lifetime, Kyungsoo could never shake the feeling that it just wasn’t the same.
Kyungsoo wanted Jongin to look at him like his best friend again. He ached for that now, more than ever.
And maybe… maybe, Kyungsoo does want more. The thought has been on a seesaw in his mind, ever since Sunyoung had hugged him reassuringly that night in Hongdae and told him that it was okay… to want what he thinks he wants with Jongin—
“Oh, Yixing-hyung might stop by,” Jongin says, leading them into the kitchen to pull out two mugs. “I left my favourite sweatpants at his house, so he said he’d return them today.”
“O-okay,” Kyungsoo forces the word out of his mouth and tries not to throw up the growing hurricane in his stomach.
“You good with corn tea?” Jongin asks over his shoulder. He’s standing by the stove, heating his kettle. Kyungsoo hops up into a stool, in front of the kitchen island, twisting his hands in his lap. He plops his backpack down on the floor beside him.
The muscles in Jongin’s back move as he reaches up into a cupboard to dig around for tea bags. “Uh, yeah. Corn is good,” Kyungsoo mumbles.
The apartment is mostly how he remembers it, from his old memories, if not a bit tidier—wide and spacious, with expensive-looking furniture that Kyungsoo knows Jongin’s sister had picked out. Although, there is a beanbag chair by the television that is undoubtedly Jongin’s pick.
“You’re not busy at work, are you?” Jongin says, as he turns the gas on the stove. The blue flame flickers to life.
Kyungsoo licks moisture back onto his lips. “Not really. Why?”
“Just wanted to make sure you weren’t carving time out of your schedule for me,” Jongin laughs lightly. He stands on the other side of the kitchen island, leaning forward on his hands. Kyungsoo stares pointedly at his face, because all the… skin… is distracting.
“You’ve made time for me, though,” Kyungsoo counters. “Maybe I want to return the favour.”
Jongin scrunches his nose. “So you were busy when I called you?” he asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Nah. Mid-terms are over so work isn’t particularly crazy,” he replies. The kettle starts to whistle. Jongin turns around to flick the stove off. “I’m a bit busy helping Sunyoung pack up her stuff, though. The apartment’s full of boxes. She moves out next week.”
He sees Jongin stiffen for a moment, and then visibly loosens. He doesn’t say anything for a while. Kyungsoo, briefly, is worried that Jongin feels awkward, and Kyungsoo is about to reassure him that everything is fine, but then Jongin turns back around, sliding Kyungsoo a mug of steaming tea, and tries for some sort of sympathetic smile. “Do you… want to talk about it?” he says, cocking his head to the side.
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “There’s nothing to talk about.” Sunyoung had given Kyungsoo back her engagement ring with a light kiss on his cheek and a final thank you.
Jongin is staring at Kyungsoo intensely. Kyungsoo gives him a genuine smile. “Really, Jongin,” he says. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m a bit of a compulsive worrier,” mumbles Jongin. His long fingers drum against the handle of his mug.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Worry about more interesting things, Jonginnie.”
The name slips out before Kyungsoo can stop it. He bites his lip and hopes Jongin hasn’t noticed, but nothing really ever gets past Jongin. He straightens, leaning his weight onto one leg and then the other. His gaze burns hotter than the tea on Kyungsoo’s tongue. For a second, Kyungsoo is terrified Jongin’s going to bring it up, but instead, Jongin just rubs at his neck and coughs.
“I do think you’re interesting, hyung,” Jongin replies. Is he blushing? Kyungsoo can’t tell. Maybe it’s the tea. It hasn’t quite cooled down. “You’re very interesting. I think it’s interesting that you think you’re so boring.”
“Baekhyun tells me I’m boring all the time.”
Jongin makes a disagreeing noise. “You aren’t. You’re…” he trails off, and the way his eyes stay rooted on Kyungsoo’s is upsetting that hurricane in Kyungsoo’s stomach again. The sun outside has gone from yellow to golden to an orange-pink. For a single moment, the light hits Jongin’s cheekbones, the bridge of his nose, the bow of his lips, in just the right way that it makes Kyungsoo want to catalogue it in his mind forever.
“You’re just… Kyungsoo-hyung,” Jongin decides, laughing shyly when Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. “I mean that as a compliment. You listen more than you speak and you observe more than you express. You have so few words, but all your words say so much.” He walks around the island and nods with his head towards the living room. Kyungsoo hops off the stool and follows him. “If that isn’t totally interesting, I don’t know what is,” Jongin grins. He’s standing beside Kyungsoo now, bending over to grab the TV remote dug somewhere between the couch cushions. Kyungsoo really, really wishes he would wear a shirt. This close, Kyungsoo can smell his shampoo and cologne and aftershave, and the mixture is very intoxicating.
Jongin switches the TV on. Kyungsoo takes a sip of his tea to clear his throat. It’s so dry, like he’s just swallowed a glass of pure salt rocks.
The doorbell rings through the apartment. Jongin throws the remote onto the coffee table and jogs over to the foyer to answer it. “Oh, good it’s Yixing-hyung,” Kyungsoo hears him say from the doorway. The lock on the door clicks.
“Got my pants?” Jongin says.
“Yeah,” Yixing’s chuckle is as gentle as his two perfect dimples. He holds up a plastic bag. Kyungsoo hovers by the TV, clutching onto his mug tightly because he’s scared his hands are shaking and he might drop it all over Jongin’s expensive hardwood. “You’re so forgetful, Jongin-ah.”
Kyungsoo watches him lean over to press a fond kiss on Jongin’s cheek. Jongin barely reacts, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and instead dives for the bag in Yixing’s hand to reclaim his sweatpants.
This time, the mug almost does slip out of Kyungsoo’s grasp, and Kyungsoo thinks the whole ground tilts for a second. He sets down the mug beside the TV remote, shakily.
“By the way, Kyungsoo-hyung is here—“ Jongin says, but Kyungsoo is already stepping out of the living room and zipping up his coat. He quickly snatches his backpack from the kitchen before heading into the foyer, carefully avoiding getting too close to either of them as he slips into his shoes.
“Sorry, Jongin, I—“ his mind searches desperately for something to say, anything to say. “I left something back at the university, my prof just texted me. It’s—um, it’s super urgent.”
Kyungsoo knows the excuse is shitty and that his voice cracks more than once, but it’s all he can manage when he feels like his brain might short-circuit. Yixing smells like Jongin’s shampoo too, Kyungsoo notices.
“Wait, Kyungsoo-hyung—“ Jongin is frowning. He steps out of Yixing’s touch and reaches for Kyungsoo’s wrist. “What about Chanyeol’s present?”
“I’m sure any gift you’d buy, he’ll love,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “I know I would.”
Jongin blinks, mouth parting and closing in an instant. Kyungsoo takes his wrist back.
“Hyung—“
“I’ll see you, Jonginnie.” Kyungsoo bites his lip again. “Jongin, I mean,” he says under his breath, but something in Jongin’s eyes tells Kyungsoo he’d heard him. Kyungsoo waves goodbye at Yixing over Jongin’s shoulder, and then he’s half-jogging towards the elevators.
Out on the street, the sky’s turned an inky blue. Kyungsoo stares up at the fading clouds and lets out a long sigh, waiting for the hurricane in his stomach to dissipate.
+ D E C E M B E R 2 0 1 7 / NEW YEAR’S EVE +
It’s a rowdy night. Everyone is piled into Baekhyun’s living room, yelling over each other as they watch the fireworks. Baekhyun had whipped out the drinks way too early, and now, Kyungsoo was much drunker than he wanted to be. The room spins about eight times per minute, so he stumbles over to Baekhyun’s kitchen to find some water.
There’s a row of water bottles in the refrigerator. Kyungsoo snatches one up, fumbling with the safety seal. He curses when the lid refuses to pop open.
“Need some help?” someone asks.
Kyungsoo looks up blearily and finds Jongin beside him. His head pounds, and he stumbles. Jongin reaches out to steady him, leaning him against the counter. Then he opens up Kyungsoo’s bottle and hands it to him.
“Thanks,” Kyungsoo murmurs. He downs about half the bottle in one chug. Jongin leads him back to the living room. They sit beside each other on the floor, with their backs to the couch.
Somehow, amidst Baekhyun’s drunk yelling and Chanyeol’s horrible singing, Kyungsoo manages to black out and by the time he wakes up, it’s past eleven and the room has stopped tilting. His head still hurts, but he feels mostly sober. Jongin isn’t beside him anymore either. Instead, Kyungsoo finds his head planted into the crook of Sehun’s shoulder.
“Where’s Jonginnie?” asks Kyungsoo, sitting up, voice rough and scratchy.
“Bathroom,” replies Sehun, smacking Chanyeol’s leg when Chanyeol stands in the way of Sehun’s view of the TV. “He’s coming back.”
“I’m back,” Jongin appears again, crouching down onto the floor. “I got it, Sehun.” He shoos Sehun away and takes his place. “You okay, hyung?”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs. “Remind me to never drink that much.”
Jongin chuckles gently. “Why don’t you eat some food? There’s pizza in the dining room.”
He helps Kyungsoo up and they step out of the living room. Jongin rips a slice out for Kyungsoo and places it on a napkin.
“I hope you weren’t taking care of me all night,” Kyungsoo says, blowing on the pizza. The cheese is still hot and melted. “I can get pretty groggy when I’m drunk.”
“It’s all good. It’s better than being a hyper drunk,” Jongin shrugs. “I mostly just made sure no one accidentally stepped on you while you were curled up on the floor.”
Kyungsoo narrows his eyes. “I feel like that was a height joke you just wrapped up in a smile,” he mutters suspiciously.
Jongin’s grin stretches. “It definitely wasn’t,” he says innocently. Then Kyungsoo notices him rubbing his palms on his denim pants. He looks worried, or nervous, or both. Kyungsoo licks some oil off his fingers, warily avoiding Jongin’s eyes.
“Hyung, when you came over to my apartment,” Jongin says uncertainly, “why… why did you leave? All of a sudden?”
Kyungsoo crosses his legs in his chair, his head pounding, or maybe it’s just the alcohol still. He knew Jongin would see right through that flimsy, stuttered excuse. But he hadn’t expected Jongin to bring it up.
Kyungsoo lets out a dry chuckle, a short burst of breath more akin to a scoff. “You don’t want to know the answer to that, Jongin.”
Jongin looks like he wants to protest, but Kyungsoo cuts him off, holding out his half-eaten slice. “Not hungry?” he asks.
Jongin shakes his head. “I’m okay, thanks.” There’s a frustrated wrinkle between his eyebrows and Kyungsoo wants to reach over and smooth it with his thumb. He doesn’t, though. Jongin grabs a clean napkin and wipes at the side of Kyungsoo’s lip.
“Pizza sauce,” he murmurs, crumpling up the napkin. “Careful.”
Kyungsoo touches his face to check his temperature. The alcohol in his system is making his skin so hot. When he finishes eating, Jongin rips another piece for him.
“Thanks,” Kyungsoo takes it, wiping off more oil from his fingers. “Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot,” says Jongin, folding his legs up onto the chair. He isn’t wearing socks, even though it’s winter.
“Why’d you dye your hair back to black?” Kyungsoo asks.
Jongin reaches up and runs a hand through the strands. “Oh, I just… I wanted a change.”
“Hmm.” A melted string of cheese stretches out when Kyungsoo bites into his slice. He breaks it with his finger. “Can I ask you something else?”
Jongin’s laugh is soft and amused. “Alcohol makes you talkative, hyung.”
“Is that a yes or a no?”
Jongin pauses. “Yes.”
“Chanyeol said you and Yixing are moving in together,” Kyungsoo says, flicking a mushroom off his slice. “When’s that happening?”
Jongin nods slowly. “Um, yeah. Sometime next month.”
“Fun,” says Kyungsoo. “Living with someone is fun.”
Jongin waits, like he’s expecting Kyungsoo to say more. Kyungsoo presses his lips together. Jongin inhales sharply. “You asked me two questions. Is it my turn now?”
Kyungsoo laughs, short and mostly breath. “Fair enough.”
“Tell me. Why’d you leave?” Jongin presses again. “At my apartment.”
Kyungsoo sighs. Jongin is insistent tonight, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have the energy to fight him. Sunyoung had been right, after all. Running was tiring, and Kyungsoo has just about used up all his fuel. “You really wanna know?” he whispers.
Jongin’s eyes flare. “Yes.”
“Because I wanted to kiss you,” Kyungsoo replies, softly. It’s blunt, he knows. Maybe too blunt, and a bit dangerous, but the thing is, even as he says it, he thinks he still wants to kiss him and that might be the scariest thing of all. The colour’s drained out of Jongin’s face, gaze boring straight through Kyungsoo’s, but Kyungsoo just sucks in his lower lip and goes on, perhaps against his better judgement. “I really, really wanted to kiss you. You looked really beautiful and I was two seconds away from kissing you in front of your perfect boyfriend.”
“Kyungsoo—“ Jongin’s voice is tight, a flurry off too many things flashing in his expression. He opens and shuts his eyes, over and over and over. “Is this… are you serious?”
Kyungsoo presses two fingers to his temple, where his headache thrums on. “I’m afraid so.”
Jongin folds his fingers together in his lap. He’s looking at Kyungsoo’s mouth and Kyungsoo wonders if there’s more pizza sauce on them again. “Can I ask my second question? Then we’ll be even,” Jongin says, chewing his lip.
“Mmhmm.”
“You and Sunyoung-noona…” he starts to say, then halts, waiting for Kyungsoo to stop him. When Kyungsoo doesn’t cut in, he goes on, “What happened?”
“Well,” Kyungsoo says, smacking the crumbs off his hands. He bites his pizza crust thoughtfully. “We talked. And we started to understand each other.”
“Oh,” replies Jongin. He leans back in his chair, biting his lip. “What did… what did you start to understand?”
A chorus of shouts comes in from the living room. “Ten!”
“Is that the countdown already?” Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. “How long was I out?”
Nine .
“About an hour,” murmurs Jongin.
Eight .
Kyungsoo crosses his legs. He can hear Minseok’s voice at the back of his head. It’s always your life. You can always change it.
Seven .
He takes a deep breath. “I started to understand that loving Sunyoung didn’t mean being in love,” he says. “At least, not anymore. And I started to understand that that was okay.”
Six .
“I started to understand that I wished I loved her, but… I wished for something else more.”
Five .
Jongin’s eyes are wide and focused, unblinking. “What did you wish for?” he says quietly.
Four .
Kyungsoo leans his cheek into his hand, smiling sleepily. He wonders what will happen when he wakes up tomorrow. He wonders where he’ll be and if Jongin will be there with him. “I wish we never lost ten years, that we stayed friends even with all the complicated stuff,” Kyungsoo answers.
Three .
“Complicated… stuff?” Jongin gives him a bemused look. “What do you mean?”
Two .
Kyungsoo’s heart aches. Except this time, not for the past, but for the future. He imagines the horizon stretched out before him, the mysterious line in the universe that separates sea and sky. He wonders, if he follows it, where it will lead.
“My New Year’s wish… I wish I never ran away from you,” he whispers, leaning forward so that his breath grazes Jongin’s, “I wish you would help me find a future.”
One .
“Happy New Year, Jonginnie.”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 8—
J A N—
D E C E M—
Dec—
December 2016 / New Year’s Eve.
“I love that you call me Jonginnie, even though it makes my heart crumble into a million tiny pieces because it’ll always mean more to me than it does to you.”
Kyungsoo’s heart jumps, body tingling like he’s just been dropped into a pool of cold water and resurfaced from the bottom of the ocean. He looks around frantically. He’s in Baekhyun’s room again. Girls’ Generation posters everywhere. It’s dark. There’s laughter from outside. Jongin is beside him, drunk and rambling.
“I love your smile…”
Kyungsoo reaches into his pocket to check his phone. Please, please, please—
December 31, 2016.
“I love how… when you smile, sometimes I can pretend you love me back.”
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo says, grabbing his wrist. He feels like he might collapse from all the things bubbling up from his stomach. “Jongin, look at me.”
Jongin groans. “Hyung, you promised you would listen to me all the way through,” he frowns, trying to pull his wrist away.
“I’m listening,” Kyungsoo murmurs, holding on to Jongin tighter. “I listened already.” He’s breathless, all of a sudden. Jongin’s face is so red, so warm. Kyungsoo takes both of Jongin’s cheeks in his hands, gently. “Jonginnie.”
He watches Jongin’s throat bob. “Don’t look at me like that, hyung,” he whispers, all breath. “Like…” His shoulders are rigid when Kyungsoo leans in.
“Like I’m in love with you?” Kyungsoo whispers back. Jongin’s gasp gets caught at the back of his throat. Kyungsoo curls his arms around Jongin’s neck, puts his mouth to Jongin’s ear. “I’m not letting you go this time.”
“What—“
Kyungsoo presses their lips together. It’s a soft kiss, sweet and innocent and beer-flavoured. Jongin’s eyes fall shut.
“Hyung,” he says quietly, when Kyungsoo pulls back. His voice trembles. “You—you can’t kiss me. Kisses mean something to me.”
“Me too,” Kyungsoo falls forward and their foreheads touch. He speaks against Jongin’s warm lips. “They mean something to me too.”
Jongin sits up, slow realization filling his eyes. He seems scared to even let himself believe. Kyungsoo climbs into his lap, his thighs bracketing Jongin’s hips. Jongin’s hands fall tentatively to Kyungsoo’s sides. He looks down at their position, and then back up to Kyungsoo. “I don’t… understand.”
Kyungsoo smiles. In the dark, he knows, it’s easy to love Jongin like this; to hold him and to breathe him in. He knows it might be harder, going forward. But in his mind, he sees Sunyoung, telling him not to run away, to look ahead, to write a better story.
“I was so afraid… to look forward,” Kyungsoo says, stringing his fingers through Jongin’s and holding on tight. “Because whenever I did, I’d see you. And I’ve never—I didn’t know how to feel.”
Jongin squeezes his hand slowly, rubbing his thumb over Kyungsoo’s knuckles like he’s still trying to come to his senses. “I’m really drunk right now, hyung,” he says, staring up at Kyungsoo through his dark eyelashes, “But I might remember this in the morning, so… I mean, is this serious or am I hallucinating having you in my lap?”
That breaks a laugh out of Kyungsoo. He pecks Jongin’s nose. “You are not hallucinating, Jonginnie.”
“But I’m a boy,” Jongin says, still incredulous. Although Kyungsoo thinks there might be a smile forming at the very ends of Jongin’s lips.
Kyungsoo shakes his head, settling their locked hands on his thighs. “You’re Jongin,” he replies. “That’s everything to me.”
This time, Jongin leans forward first, his lips insistent against Kyungsoo’s, and Kyungsoo yields for him, parting his mouth to suck in tiny breaths. Jongin slips his tongue in, tentative at first, but then Kyungsoo catches Jongin’s lips with his teeth in a silent invitation, so Jongin presses on harder, nipping back softly at Kyungsoo’s mouth before letting his tongue glide along Kyungsoo’s lower lip.
The New Year’s countdown rings in their ears. And as Jongin’s mouth moves to the line of Kyungsoo’s jaw, up to the edge of his ear, the most perfect mix of euphoria and peace settles in Kyungsoo’s heart.
January 2017 / New Year’s Day.
He wakes up, face planted into the pillow.
The pillow smells like him, his shampoo and his laundry detergent, so he knows he’s in his apartment. He remembers going home from Baekhyun’s last night. He remembers… fireworks. Laughter floating faintly in his ears. Soft moonlight. A beautiful giddiness washing through his veins.
His text alerts are vibrating against his cheek and he groans, as he fumbles for his phone underneath his pillow. When he checks the screen, it’s Jinri: I’m going to be there in ten minutes, sent ten minutes ago.
“Shit,” he rubs his eyes and pulls the covers back, standing up blearily. It’s cold in his room. He shivers when his feet hit the hardwood, and then he looks down and remembers he’d taken his shirt off last night.
A hand catches his wrist.
“Where are you goin’?”
Kyungsoo turns around. Jongin’s bed hair is sticking up in a million directions, his eyes not even fully open. Kyungsoo smiles and kisses the edge of his mouth. “Jinri’s on her way,” he says, coaxing Jongin back down onto the bed. “We’re going to go see Sunyoung. I’ll be back at night.”
“Mmm, it’s cold without you,” Jongin whines, as Kyungsoo tucks the blanket up to his chin.
“I know,” replies Kyungsoo, smoothing down Jongin’s hair. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Promise.”
“Mmkay,” Jongin’s already dozing off again. “As long as you come back. Say hi to Sunyoung-noona for me.”
“I will,” Kyungsoo whispers, and gives him one last kiss on the cheek before the doorbell rings.
Four hours later, he’s in Jeomchon with Jinri, laying flowers by Sunyoung’s stone. They’d gone to see her parents first, as they usually do, and her mother had hugged him, her father had smiled at him, and for the first time in a long time, the guilty regret in Kyungsoo’s chest wilts away into nothing but dull wistfulness and nostalgia.
“You know,” Jinri says, as the two of them stand side by side in front of Sunyoung’s stone, the flower petals fluttering lightly in the winter breeze. “I’m pregnant.” She’s saying it both to Sunyoung and to Kyungsoo.
“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo says sincerely.
“It’s a girl,” Jinri says, and she’s dressed in her usual black trench coat, but Kyungsoo thinks he sees a colour and life in her cheeks he hasn't seen in her since high school. “I’m going to name her Sunyoung.”
Kyungsoo reaches over and holds Jinri’s hand for just a second. Jinri is someone who smiles very rarely, but as she grasps Kyungsoo’s hand, her lips quirk and she squeezes once, then lets go.
“I can’t believe it’s been seven years already,” she says.
Kyungsoo snakes his arm around her shoulders. She’s tall, always has been taller than Kyungsoo and still is, and the position is a bit awkward but neither of them really care. “She’d be happy,” Kyungsoo murmurs, “that we’re… moving on. Slowly.”
Jinri lets out a tiny sigh. “I’d like to think so too.”
“Could I have a moment with her?” Kyungsoo asks.
Jinri nods, pulling away. “I’ll be by the entrance,” she says. “Bye, Sunyoung-ah.”
Her shoes crunch a bit in the snow as she walks off. Kyungsoo crouches down, grazing the stone lightly with his fingers.
“I took your advice, Sunyoung,” he tells her. “You always give the best advice.” He thinks about her grin that night in Hongdae.
“Jongin makes me so happy,” he says, his chest feeling lighter by the second. “He says hi, by the way. We both miss you.” He takes some of the fallen flower petals and tucks them back into the bouquet. “I hope you’re happy somewhere too. I hope you’ve written the happiest story possible.”
Another boulder lifts off of Kyungsoo’s shoulders as he says goodbye once more.
It’s nighttime when Kyungsoo and Jinri arrive in Seoul. They part ways at Gwanghwamun Station, Jinri reaching over to give Kyungsoo a rare hug.
He hails down a taxi, but something catches his eye as the taxi pulls up beside him.
Across the street, a pair of glinting eyes and a crooked grin. Kyungsoo blinks. A hand lifts up in a tiny, friendly wave.
Kyungsoo smiles, but before he can wave back, a bus flies by. When it clears, the street is empty.
Kyungsoo never sees him again.
April 2017.
Yeouido is crowded with tourists when Kyungsoo gets off the subway. Jongin meets him outside National Assembly Station, taking his hand excitedly when he spots Kyungsoo huddled up in a hoodie and Jongin’s salt-and-pepper beanie.
“You can’t seriously be that cold, hyung,” Jongin rolls his eyes at him. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom already. Jongin’s in a black t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his shoulders. A blue fitted cap keeps the sun out of his eyes.
Kyungsoo rubs his nose and smiles. “I’m not cold, I just like wearing your beanie,” he replies.
Jongin swings their arms between them, happily. “I like my beanie on you too,” he says, and leans over to kiss Kyungsoo’s nose.
“Y’all are disgusting, you know that.” Sehun’s voice comes from behind them. They turn around and find him and Sooyoung with their arms linked, walking up to them, with Baekhyun and Chanyeol close behind. “I thought I would like seeing you guys together, but honestly, it’s just terrible.”
Baekhyun slaps Sehun upside the head. “Shush, maknae, we all know you don’t mean it,” he says, shooting Jongin and Kyungsoo a theatrical wink. Chanyeol barks out a loud laugh, and it scares a group of tourists to their left. “Be a bit more romantic, Sehunnie,” Baekhyun punches his shoulder. “It’s cherry blossom season, after all.”
The sidewalk is swarming with people eager to take a million photos, but Kyungsoo doesn’t bother. He just likes being here, surrounded by his friends’ laughter and Jongin’s bright smile shining right at him. It’s more than enough to keep him warm.
Sehun and Sooyoung are taking selcas under a tree, while Baekhyun and Chanyeol stand behind them, trying to photo bomb. Kyungsoo shakes his head, half-embarassed, half-amused.
Jongin is standing a little ways away, hands in his jean pockets as he stares up at the blue sky.
“What’re you looking at?” Kyungsoo asks, coming up next to him.
Jongin turns around and hugs Kyungsoo to his chest. A few people have started staring at them, but Kyungsoo can’t find it in himself to care, not when he feels so at home in Jongin’s arms, with Jongin’s even heartbeat ringing against his ear. “The leaves on the trees,” Jongin murmurs against the top of Kyungsoo’s head. He points up. “So delicate. So colourful. It’s beautiful.”
“Hmm,” says Kyungsoo. He shakes a few fallen petals off of Jongin’s hair. “You’re such a sap, Kim Jongin.”
Kyungsoo feels Jongin chuckle. “I’m just in love with you, that’s all.” He kisses Kyungsoo’s hair, laughing harder when Kyungsoo blushes a fierce red.
“Guys, picture!” Chanyeol waves his arms at them.
Jongin pulls Kyungsoo towards the rest of the group and Kyungsoo makes a big show of rolling his eyes. He hates pictures, especially being squished between Jongin and Sehun, who were skyscrapers. “Do we have to?” he mutters.
Baekhyun’s already grabbed Jongin into a headlock. (“Let’s take the pic like this!”) Jongin wrestles him out of it.
“Come on, hyung, quickly,” Jongin hollers at Kyungsoo, dodging Baekhyun’s arm. Kyungsoo huffs but attaches himself next to Jongin, anyways. Chanyeol hands his phone to a passing woman and asks her if she can snap their picture.
(In the end, Kyungsoo gets that photo printed and he keeps it in his frayed, worn-out wallet because he likes the way Jongin’s looking at him, and not at the camera, and maybe, he also likes the way his cheeks are as pink as the flowers around them.)
“Hey, Jonginnie,” Kyungsoo whispers, when they’re on the subway at the end of the day.
“Mmhmm?” Jongin’s falling asleep on his shoulder.
Kyungsoo pushes his hair back fondly and smiles. “Have you ever thought of going blond?”
Jongin’s eyes fling open and he gives Kyungsoo the most confused look, like he can’t figure out if Kyungsoo is being serious. Kyungsoo laughs and waves his hand dismissively.
“Do you…” Jongin squints. “Would you want me to?”
Kyungsoo pretends to think about it. “I think you’d make a hot blond.”
Jongin blinks at him, dazed. And then he’s chuckling, pinching Kyungsoo’s cheek. “You make no sense sometimes, babe,” he murmurs, settling into Kyungsoo’s shoulder again. Kyungsoo just takes his hand and leans his head over Jongin’s, matching the steady beat of their breathing as the subway takes them home.
the end.
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kaisooficrec
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ineedadance.livejournal.com - (no subject)
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 01:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 10:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 04:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 05:06 am (UTC)I loved how Kyungsoo gets to experience the life he wanted- and then figured out later that it wasn't what he needs. (Insert ugly whimpers) so beautiful indeed....
I am a devoted History hater (cackles) but this fiction could definitely be an exception!!! (Just because of Kyungsoo by the way)
AND YES JONGIN IS HALF GOLDEN RETRIEVER. NOTHING IS MORE RIGHT THAN THAT
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 04:33 pm (UTC)i love how sunyoung was so ever gentle with kyungsoo and that she made him realise it's alright to fall in love with jongin
my heart broke when drunk soo was pouring his heart out to jongin
it took him a full year, but everything thereafter made up for it
beautiful piece of work, thank you for writing!!!! ♥
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 07:55 pm (UTC)And I'm really dying from curiosity here but who's the person that Kyungsoo say when he hailed a cab after he came back from visiting Sunyoung?? Please give me a proper closure HAHA
Thank you for the amazing story!!♡
no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 01:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 10:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 10:44 pm (UTC)There were some really heart wrenching moments that made me put my phone down and just d'awwww MY HEART TT^TT i loved it from start to finishh
Thank you so much for writing this masterpiece!!!
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 11:18 pm (UTC)First of all... It was really tragic how Kyungsoo was living so much in the past, to the point where he wasn't able to move forward with his life. I know that's kinda the whole point, that he needed to see what things could have been like in order to move on, but it just made me feel so sad. Throughout the fic it became clear to me, especially with the flashbacks, that he really did love Jongin all along but could never own up to it. I can definitely see why since he was so caught up in guilt and probably even felt like his feelings played a part in why Sunyoung died in the end. Having other!Sunyoung giving him the closure he needed was a really beautiful moment. I never doubted for a moment he loved her either, but as explained, sometimes feelings change or you realize that you're looking for something different even if what's in front of you isn't lacking at all. I'm blabbering a little, but I just really felt for your Kyungsoo so much. Sooooo much. Poor confused guy.
And then my little angel child Jongin! He did not deserve all that hurt. Imagine ten years of being in love with someone who can't for the life of him bring himself to acknowledge that maybe he loves you too. My poor child. :( during his drunk speech I was just all "nooooooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooooooo" but in the end his patience and suffering did get rewarded so 's all good.
This is already one of my favorites (if not THE favorite) from this fest, I really CAN NOT thank you enough for writing it. Much love<3
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 11:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 04:10 am (UTC)A good story no need to rewrite. (?)
no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 09:22 am (UTC)I love you and i love this story. Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-30 07:16 pm (UTC)OH MY. This was soooo good! I never suspected Minseok of being sort of involved in this! At first i was like :(((( my heart aches for jongin this is gonna be so angsty angsty, but then the whole universe switch thing that made kyungsoo realize his true feelings for Jongin and also get closure w Sunyoung :,,) my heart ache has been cured! I loved reading this, i was hooked and couldnt stop til the end! And i love how the changing of universes was revolved around not being able to rewrite history, and kyungsoo is a history major haha just a little minor detail that i liked... Agh this was so good and i love the idea of kaisoo writing their future together yesss <3
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 09:18 am (UTC)you did a great job in this. thank you so much for your hard work ♡
JIODFKIJOIFJISDJF
Date: 2016-08-31 10:16 am (UTC)YOU
MINSEOK
Y DID U HAV T O BE THAT GUY
UGHHHHH I HATE THAT SO MUCH IT MESSED WITH MY EMOTIONS I'LL MISS U SPIRIT GUIDE WHO DON'T STAY UR LIFE LONG BUDDY
I HATE LOSING PEOPLEEEEE SPECIFICALLY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS IT FEELS SO FINAL LIKE THEY EXIST AND YET THEY GONE
BEAUTIFUL STORY I LOVE HOW U DID EVERYTHING , ART , MAJESTIC , MASTERPIECE
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 04:30 pm (UTC)Ah jonginnie was so pitiful at first i rly just wanted to hold his hands . I rly rly love the whole parallel universe thing gg on and minseok being a fairy/angel/magical being heh
Sigh this was amazing thank u so much for this <3
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 08:44 pm (UTC)First, great injections of humor (dangerous teddy bear concept, lol).
Second, I love how Soo made his peace with the past, in the future, and carried that peace back with him to the present (if you can follow that sentence...).
Third, the descriptions of how Soo was feeling, how Jongin was feeling, and even how Sehun was feeling: really superb. It was because of those artful words that I got really invested in them having a good ending. Like, I initially thought you might end it at New Year's Eve Dec 2017. I was SO SCARED to scroll and see if it was an open ending or if you gave us a definitive happy or sad one.
I'm left with a warm ache in my chest. I'm happy they got a nice ending. But the melancholy throughout the story is also still sticking with me, in a beautiful angsty way. Sunyoung's question "more than Jongin?" was a great tie in to use over and over, and kinda like that, my emotions are pulling back to the aching in the story repeatedly. Beautiful job. 👏👏👏
no subject
Date: 2016-09-15 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-09-01 07:56 pm (UTC)so so so satisfying.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-02 12:29 am (UTC)okay okay like i went to work and i was thinking about this fic and choking up but i couldn't !!! tell anyone! ! about i TT bc it hadn't been posted yet but now i can talk to EVERYONNENEE about it and that makes me so happy
i was very surprised by the alternate universe that came up but it was done so well !!! the part when kyungsoo checks his phone and jongin's number is missing i was like !!! oh sh*t and how minseok keeps popping up bc kyungsoo isn't /happy/ and how kyungsoo realizes how long jongin was in love with him and idk EVERYTHING i also appreciated the kaixing I LOVE YIXING AND JONGIN the two cuties would be great together
i also really liked sunyoung? i could 100% see why kyungsoo fell in love with her (and that's saying a lot bc my a** is so biased when it comes to kaisoo). she felt very real to me !! i liked how she wasn't that perfect rival but she had her own insecurities (asking kyungsoo if he loves her more than jongin) and also loved and understood kyungsoo a lot
this is my FAVORITE jongin out of all of the 10kfr fics. he is so... so beautiful? his love for kyungsoo is so pure; when he got drunk but STILL didn't wish that ksoo would love him back... that broke me AND how he loved kyungsoo for so so long but still didn't hold anything against him AND ALSO VERY IMPORTANTLY how he wasn't hateful towards sunyoung !!! like how important??? also blonde jongin is just my favorite hehe
i'm writing the comment and i'm choking up omg give me a second
okay the part when kyungsoo had a flashback to how jongin called him in high school and told kyungsoo that his bruise wasn't from a fall but bc someone saw him in the locker room with another boy and THEn kyungsoo is like waz wrong wit dat and then JBAYYBY JONGIN STARTS CRYING THAT BROKE ME I WAS ACTUALLY IN TEARS
also i think the part that made me cry the most was when jinri told kyungsoo that she's naming her daughter "sunyoung"... i bawled omg friendship is so.. so important and you portrayed it really beautifully and i don't know that one hit me really hard i think
this comment is such a mess i'm sorry you deserve better :c
this is GORGEOUS i love it so much ;A;