kaisooficrec

Kyungsoo spends most days of his holiday break with Jongin.

He knows he’s being selfish and deceiving because his parents think he is with Baekhyun or Chanyeol, and his friends think he’s spending time with his parents. In reality Kyungsoo is at Jongin’s house, talking or watching movies about half the time, the other half they are pretty much kissing. And also during the movies they kiss. And also while they are in the middle of talking they kiss.

That strange ease that Kyungsoo feels with Jongin only intensifies as the days go on. It’s astounding because Kyungsoo doesn’t find it easy to open up to just anyone. The friends he has now he has known for years, so it usually takes time. But there is just something about Jongin that makes it easy. He also has a feeling that dry humping the very first time they hung out at Jongin’s house might have broken the ice between them.

Since then they only occasionally take some clothes off, sometimes while they are kissing they take their shirts off, but for the most part it doesn’t progress into anything more than that.

Kyungsoo thinks Jongin is being careful and holding himself back on purpose, and Kyungsoo kind of wants to tell him that he’s okay with Jongin taking things a little bit further. The thought alone should probably scare him, but it doesn’t.

So that’s how things sort of escalate when they hang out for the first time after Christmas, a few days after Jongin confessed.

They start out watching a movie, but eventually the laptop lies abandoned next to the wall, movie playing faintly in the background and Kyungsoo has Jongin lying shirtless on his back, somehow. Kyungsoo sits on top of him and presses his hands against his tan chest, feeling the warmth of skin against his palms.

“You really like touching me don’t you,” Jongin raises an eyebrow, letting Kyungsoo feel him up, hands all the way down his body. Kyungsoo knows Jongin feels good about himself when he does it.

“I’m just trying to get familiar with the male anatomy,” Kyungsoo explains while he smooths his fingers down Jongin’s neck, swipes his thumbs across pretty collarbones, “still trying to figure out how I feel about it, you know?”

As if Kyungsoo were familiar with the female anatomy either.

At this point Kyungsoo knows how he feels about the male anatomy, well, he at least knows how he feels about Jongin’s anatomy. He feels like it’s a gift from god, just like the other, non-physical qualities of Jongin that Kyungsoo is getting to know.

Everything about Jongin is sweet, like a desert. Absolutely endearing on the inside and all caramel skin, chocolate hair, mocha colored eyes on the outside. And Kyungsoo shamelessly admits to himself that Jongin is actually delicious and that he just wants to touch him and taste him.

So basically, “getting familiar with male anatomy” is just a good excuse to feel Jongin’s skin all over.

Though Jongin clearly sees through Kyungsoo’s act. He chuckles at Kyungsoo’s remark, reaching forward.

“At least take off your shirt too,” Jongin pouts and Kyungsoo wavers. He doesn’t have a flawless body like Jongin- he’s pale and soft and he barely has any visible muscle. To be frank, he’s just not confident in what he has, doesn’t think it even deserves to be near Jongin’s despite Jongin’s protests and despite the fact that he seems to get his shirt off no matter how much he objects. It isn’t like Jongin hasn’t already seen his stomach before.

“Come on, Soo,” Kyungsoo shivers at the nickname, lets it teeter him into giving in, “You’re beautiful.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t agree, he’s nowhere near as beautiful as Jongin, but Jongin’s hands are at the hem of his t-shirt and Jongin’s pouty lips are irresistible as he tugs upward. Kyungsoo closes his eyes in defeat, raising his arms so Jongin can pull the material over his head. When he does, Jongin casts the shirt across the room and immediately splays his fingers across Kyungsoo’s stomach.

“Perfect,” he whispers, growls even, causing Kyungsoo’s face to blush, but he ignores it. He just distracts himself from his own lack of self-confidence by continuing to feel up Jongin. Jongin leans back again, placing his hands on Kyungsoo’s sides, and leisurely watching Kyungsoo touch him with heavy eyes.

Kyungsoo swirls his thumb around Jongin’s nipple and watches the way Jongin swallows.

“Even your nipple is darker,” Kyungsoo murmurs absentmindedly, swirling his thumb around the other one until both the brown buds become erect.

“Every part of my body is darker,” Jongin reminds him, even though Kyungsoo obviously already knows that. Kyungsoo’s fixation with his skin is becoming more and more apparent to both of them. Also, Kyungsoo’s fixation with everything about Jongin’s body, the color of it, the feel of it, the warmth of it. He has such a fascination that he can’t help but want to run his fingers down it every time they spend time together and he has taken to doing just that in the past few days. It’s funny, because Jongin has always been the touchy one, but now, even if Jongin is clothed, Kyungsoo can’t help but smooth his hand down Jongin’s arm or run his fingers across Jongin’s neck. And Jongin is in no state to complain about Kyungsoo touching him.

Kyungsoo wonders if what they have is like some kind of newlywed phase in a marriage. Wonders if the beginning of whatever relationship they have is just hot like this because it’s new and exciting, especially for Kyungsoo. He worries that one day it’ll burn out, yet at the same time he can’t imagine waking up and not being attracted to Jongin or his body in the future. He thinks he always will be.

There is no doubt that Jongin is steaming hot.

But Kyungsoo thinks it’s more than that. He thinks whatever they have is a little more meaningful than just experimenting and touching each other. He hopes so, at least.

“Every part?” Kyungsoo asks slowly, and his eyes dart down without thinking, flitting to Jongin’s crotch and back up. The movement of his eyes are almost inadvertent on Kyungsoo’s part, but it’s a movement that Jongin follows carefully.

“Maybe,” Jongin prompts, hands sliding up Kyungsoo’s arms.

There are a few moments of silence where Kyungsoo stares down at Jongin’s stomach, blankly, like he is lost in thought.

“I should check,” Kyungsoo eventually mutters, eyes flickering with a certain darkness that Jongin doesn’t miss, “you know, since I’m trying to learn about the male anatomy and all.”

Before Jongin can respond, there are suddenly teasing hands slipping into the waistband of his boxers. They haven’t gone this far, haven’t taken off everything yet, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure what it is about Jongin that gives him such confidence to initiate it.

He blames it on sheer curiosity.

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin whispers, voice on the verge of a moan. Kyungsoo’s eyes are cloudy when he glances up at Jongin and then away again, turning his attention toward Jongin’s pants. Jongin doesn’t stop him, just watches him with his own dark eyes. At an agonizingly slow pace, Kyungsoo slips Jongin’s sweatpants down to the middle of his thighs, his bulge more prominent, already half hard under his boxers. Kyungsoo doesn’t look away when his fingers dip under the elastic of Jongin’s underwear.

Jongin lifts his hips, inviting Kyungsoo to slip down the thin material and Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip apprehensively.

Kyungsoo shifts back so he is sitting on the lower part of Jongin’s thighs and admires the entirety of the incredible boy before him.

He muses over Jongin’s skin and how it stretches over the muscles of his lower abdomen so flawlessly. He grazes his eyes over the V-line that he always knew led somewhere, and runs his fingers across the bones of his pelvis, the skin that covers them just as tan and gorgeous as the rest of him.

He lets his fingers dance across his pelvis, his thighs, avoiding the half-hard erection that is staring straight at him. The one he gave Jongin.

And even this part of Jongin’s body is beautiful.

Kyungsoo crawls backward, slipping the clothes pooled at Jongin’s thighs all the down his long legs and throwing them to the side. Jongin is fully naked now as he lies on the bed, body splayed out for Kyungsoo to see and staring up at Kyungsoo with dusky eyes. Kyungsoo crawls between Jongin’s legs in a more comfortable position than before.

He’s not sure what’s come over himself, but light fingers play along the length of Jongin’s cock and Jongin squirms, stomach twitching at the contact. Kyungsoo watches in fascination, his pale fingers skirting around Jongin’s erection.

“Soo,” Jongin sighs, “you’re teasing me.”

Kyungsoo knows that, he knows that as he runs his hand up Jongin’s thigh again and Jongin emits a surprised inhale when Kyungsoo finally wraps his entire hand around his cock.

Jongin, who looks a bit surprised but also lost, exhales sharply.

Kyungsoo isn’t exactly an expert at this, so he just glides his hand slowly, up the length and then back down. Kyungsoo watches Jongin close his eyes and part his lips, and decides he must be doing something right. He feels more confident as he continues, observing Jongin, the way his entire body squirms.

Kyungsoo just wants to taste him.

So he does. Without thinking, Kyungsoo lips press into Jongin’s skin, his abdomen, his pelvis, his upper thighs, following the same path his hand was going mere moments ago, and Kyungsoo can tell it’s driving Jongin mad. He’s groans from above him, so he makes sure his hand is still stroking Jongin languidly, at an unrelenting pressure.

All the while Jongin holds a guiding hand on the back of Kyungsoo’s nape, following his movements and then eventually guides Kyungsoo by the neck, closer and closer until his nose and lips brush the veins of Jongin’s cock.

Jongin lets out a soft, strangled sound and Kyungsoo looks up at him then. His eyes are dark chocolate now, lidded and incredibly sexy in Kyungsoo’s opinion, and it causes a certain stir in Kyungsoo’s stomach, and excitement fizzing in his chest and trickling through his body.

His eyes never leave Jongin’s as he kisses the side of the length, runs his lips up the side until they reach the head.

“Put it in your mouth,” Jongin breathes, his voice sounds rough and undone, and Kyungsoo, though he may be embarrassed to admit it, likes the sound of the demand that comes from Jongin. He concedes, opening his mouth so Jongin can guide the head of his cock past Kyungsoo’s lips.

Kyungsoo pushes his head forward slowly at first, swallowing as much of his length as he can with an agonizing hesitancy. It’s strange, the feeling of Jongin’s cock is heavy in his mouth, but definitely not unpleasant. Though Kyungsoo isn’t sure if that’s just because it’s Jongin, because it tastes like Jongin. He pulls back and bobs forward again, earning a strangled whine and a shifting Jongin beneath him.

Taking that as a good sign, Kyungsoo continues.

While Kyungsoo continues to suck him off, he starts kneading his own crotch without even realizing he’s doing it. He just feels so turned on by what he’s doing to Jongin, the low noises that erupt from his throat as he does.

Jongin must see that Kyungsoo is touching himself, because Kyungsoo is instantly pulled back by the hair, his dick coming free with the sound of a wet pop and a small whine of protest from Kyungsoo. He doesn’t have any time to wipe the saliva from his chin before Jongin is shifting their positions, pulling Kyungsoo up gently by the chin.

Jongin sits up so he is on his elbows, “come’ere,” he slurs.

Kyungsoo, who feels the lust fueling his movements, crawls up Jongin’s body, meeting his dilated pupils and glossy eyes and knowing his own aren’t much different. They press their lips together and while they do, Jongin trails his fingers to the waist of Kyungsoo’s pants.

“Can I?” Jongin asks against his lips and Kyungsoo nods and mumbles a “yes,” barely breaking the contact at all.

Jongin has taken off his pants before, but this time Jongin hooks his fingers underneath his underwear at the same time. Cold air hits his lower body just as he realizes he is completely naked on top of Jongin. Only he doesn’t feel awkward or nervous. He too taken with Jongin, too dazed by the way Jongin’s hands are caressing his hips affectionately.

Jongin sits up fully now and pushes Kyungsoo up as well, pulling Kyungsoo’s pants off his ankles and positioning their bodies so the two are sitting in the bed across from each other, stark naked. Jongin’s legs are outstretched on either side of Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo’s legs are bent over Jongin’s, curling around his hips.

It’s an extremely intimate position, crotches mere inches apart, but Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to care much. Too hazy and lust-filled to really think about it, especially when Jongin buries his hand in Kyungsoo’s hair and pulls him forward so their lips can meet in an equally as intimate kiss.

Kyungsoo feels his whole body shiver at just the touch of their lips and then Jongin’s hand travels down his torso, between their bodies, and he lets his fingers tentatively brush over Kyungsoo’s cock. Kyungsoo’s breath hitches at the soft contact, fingers coiling behind Jongin’s neck.

“Your fingers are cold,” Kyungsoo whispers against his lips.

“Sorry,” Jongin responds with a small smile, “they’ll warm up.”

With that, he wraps his hand completely around the base of Kyungsoo’s erection and tugs upward. Kyungsoo lets out a small whimper and nuzzles their temples together, then he moves to look down at Jongin’s tanned hand enclosed around his cock. He likes it. Not just the way it feels, but the way it looks. The way his paler skin contrasts with Jongin’s hand. He wonders if that’s a weird thing to like.

But Jongin distracts him from watching by kissing him again. The kiss is hot and different now, Jongin’s tongue immediately entering Kyungsoo’s mouth, sliding against his own.

Kyungsoo reaches forward himself, wrapping his own hand around Jongin’s hard cock. Jongin pulls back from the kiss and bumps their foreheads together, his breathing heavy as he looks down to watch Kyungsoo’s hand slide up and down his length.

“God,” Jongin moans and then he leans in, pressing his lips into the junction of Kyungsoo’s neck, sucking and biting to mark Kyungsoo’s otherwise smooth skin. The sensation makes more heat already present in Kyungsoo’s lower abdomen begin to sizzle. That, and the way Jongin’s hand is jerking him off, has Kyungsoo’s entire body begins to tremble so he knows he’s already nearing the end.

He bucks upward into the heat of Jongin’s hand until Jongin releases him and scoots forward so their cocks brush against each other. Kyungsoo swallows thickly when Jongin swats his hand away and wraps his larger hand around both their erections, tugging them so they finish together.

“J-Jongin,” Kyungsoo stammers. His newly free hand blindly finds purchase in Jongin’s hair, grips there as he gets closer to his release.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin responds with his mouth grazing at his ear now.

They both move eagerly into the heat of Jongin’s palm, against the ridges of both their cocks as they rub together and create a delicious friction. All Kyungsoo can hear is his heart beating and the soft pants and grunts and occasional curses from Jongin that bounce off his temple.

Jongin somehow has them finishing almost simultaneously, convulsing with louder moans as ropes of white spill onto one another’s skin, mingling there. For a few moments, they sit with their foreheads still pressed together, breathing together.

Jongin leans in to plant a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek, another on his forehead, before he reaches to his bedside table and grabs a tissue. Jongin wipes the cum off their bodies and discards the towel.

Kyungsoo is quiet, his breathing slows down, but he reaches to hold onto Jongin tight.

“Did you like that?” Jongin asks, swiping his thumb over Kyungsoo’s cheekbone in a caress. His words are so genuine with care and interest.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo responds in a small, soft voice, a faint blush turning darker and body tingling.
Jongin has somehow gotten under Kyungsoo’s skin in a way that no one ever has, has been able to peel back the layers and the shields Kyungsoo has created to protect himself. So much that now his skin itches and yearns to be against Jongin’s.

It’s as if the layers peel away only to let Jongin’s embrace engulf him and protect him instead.

“You always blush afterwards,” Jongin comments, dragging pads of his fingers down his neck and its warm skin appreciatively, over a hickey he created. The gesture makes Kyungsoo shiver, hair rising on the back of his neck, “I like the color on you though, it’s cute.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t embarrassed, he doesn’t even feel shy, but everything about what they’ve done strike him differently this time. It has his emotions running off the wall to the point that it makes him speechless and a little dazed. He somehow feels oddly relaxed, yet his stomach is doing somersaults, a tingling feeling running through his veins and all the way from his head down to his toes. It’s Jongin that makes him feel like this and it’s too much of a new thing, too much of a good thing, all at once.

And Kyungsoo is already sensitive, but clearly has no idea how to handle the extra intensity shuddering through his body.

He’s never felt like this.

So Kyungsoo just leans forward and nuzzles his face into Jongin’s neck in seek of physical comfort. And when Jongin welcomes him, burying a hand in Kyungsoo’s hair, Kyungsoo wraps both arms around Jongin’s torso in a tight hug.

“Are you okay?” Jongin asks, a hint of worry in his voice because Kyungsoo hasn’t said much, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want him to be worried. He knows he is okay. He’s better than okay.

Kyungsoo nods against his neck wordlessly, clinging tightly.

“You’re shaking,” Jongin’s voice sounds apprehensive, sliding his warmer hands down Kyungsoo’s shoulders and arms and over the gooseflesh rising there, “Soo-”

“I’m cold,” Kyungsoo mumbles, instead lifting his arms and wrapping them snug around Jongin’s neck. It’s an excuse for his behavior but it’s not entirely untrue, his sweat is beginning to dry and turn salty, but he knows his quivering skin has more to do with the aftershock of coming down from such heightened intimacy. The effects of what they’ve done and the feelings behind it are especially heightened for someone like Kyungsoo.

Jongin chuckles in a way that is so deep and warm that it actually makes Kyungsoo feel warmer. Jongin’s hands leave his hair only to reach for his comforter and pull it off his bed. He wraps it around both their bodies and snuggles impossibly closer to Kyungsoo.

“Better?” Jongin mumbles once the comforter completely engulfs them and all that can be seen of them are tops of their heads. He noses at Kyungsoo’s neck and Kyungsoo hums, tired.

“Just don’t let go of me,” Kyungsoo tells him.

Jongin squeezes him, pressing his lips to Kyungsoo’s neck and resting his head there before he speaks.

“I don’t plan on it.”

It’s a Saturday night.

School starts again on Monday, but Kyungsoo spends the last late night of his vacation at Jongin’s house because Jongin has invited him to spend the night for the first time.

There is no ulterior implication behind them spending the night though, it’s not to do anything dirty. Jongin’s parents will be home. It’ll be the first time Kyungsoo hangs out with Jongin while his parents aren’t at work.

Kyungsoo is hesitant about meeting Jongin’s parents, but as it turns out, Jongin’s mother is ecstatic that her son has invited a friend over. That her son has a friend. Kyungsoo finds that a little strange, but she’s so excited that she’s made an extravagant dinner.

Kyungsoo finds out that Jongin’s mother is sweet and incredibly welcoming. It isn’t surprising in the least, because he sees where Jongin’s own warm side comes from. But she’s so nice that Kyungsoo wonders if she even suspects a thing. Wonders if she’s just oblivious to what Jongin and Kyungsoo have been doing all week, if she thinks Jongin and Kyungsoo are really just friends, if she just doesn’t care at all. But Jongin told Kyungsoo that his parent’s know he’s gay, so Kyungsoo really isn’t sure.

They end up watching a movie in Jongin’s bed that night and it’s particularly platonic, so platonic it’s really out of the ordinary and strange, but Jongin’s parents are in a room nearby and could probably hear them if they were to do anything other than breathe and whisper quietly.

Jongin lays behind him, spooning him, one arm draped casually over his hip.

But occasionally Kyungsoo feels a faint brush of plush lips behind his ear, or Jongin sneaks a thumb underneath the hem Kyungsoo’s shirt and caresses the skin above hipbone. For some reason, that’s enough to drive Kyungsoo wild.

He makes it through the rest of the movie, barely, but once the credits begin rolling Kyungsoo isn’t sure what comes over himself. Maybe it’s because he’s been pressed against Jongin without kissing him on the lips once, but the tension is high and he knows Jongin feels it too.

He has a feeling Jongin has been subtly touching him like that on purpose.

Kyungsoo makes an executive decision to roll his body around. In one swift movement, he pushes Jongin to his back and gets on top of him, his legs on either side of Jongin’s so he is straddling him.

Jongin looks a bit surprised but Kyungsoo leans in before he can make a remark, kissing Jongin on the lips slowly, as alluring and seductive as Kyungsoo can manage. He makes the executive decision that Jongin’s parents won’t be able to hear them if they are just kissing.

“Mmm,” Jongin hums contently once they pull away, his eyelids have already turned heavy, “Who are you and what have you done with Kyungsoo?”

Jongin slides his hands under Kyungsoo’s shirt, caressing the dimples of his lower back before their lips meet again. The kiss is just as slow, deliberate, as if it will help them stay quiet. Instead it just makes Kyungsoo’s head spin.

“You make me so crazy,” Jongin whispers, taking the words out of Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“You make me crazy,” Kyungsoo responds, quiet and breathy. He really doesn’t know what’s gotten into him when he reattaches their lips and grinds his hips down once. Jongin moans quietly into his mouth, clutching his back tighter.

“Shit Soo,” Jongin says and he suddenly looks so torn. Kyungsoo finds it so endearing and so attractive, “my parents are in the room next door.”

Though he slides his hands down Kyungsoo’s ass anyway, squeezing the back of his smooth thighs that are bare because he has chosen to only wear a pair of short boxers, and he initiates another hot kiss.

“I know,” Kyungsoo breathes, “but I wanted to kiss you.” He doesn’t pull his lips away either. Jongin pulls him closer by the thighs, his hands slipping back up to his hips before traveling higher and higher under Kyungsoo’s shirt. Kyungsoo’s hand slides into Jongin’s hair as he turns his head, eliciting another soft moan from Jongin’s throat.

“I don’t want to stop,” Jongin murmurs, “I really don’t want to stop, but they’ll hear us if we do anything more.”

Jongin closes the distance again though, and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile into the kiss, proud of himself for getting Jongin so wound up. Jongin’s hands are especially curious, sneaking underneath Kyungsoo’s boxers. Kyungsoo lets out a quiet gasp when Jongin pinches his ass.

“And if we keep going,” Jongin growls into his ear, “I might not be able to stop and I might do something I shouldn’t.”

Kyungsoo feels those words shoot down his body as if he has been shocked with electricity. The spark going right down to his crotch.

Jongin takes his hands out of Kyungsoo’s boxers and Kyungsoo stops as well, reluctantly pulling away and finally settling on his elbows, looking down at Jongin’s flawless features, his intense eyes which have darkened significantly, full and freshly kissed lips.

So stunning.

Jongin lifts his hand to lace his fingers into Kyungsoo’s and butterflies flutter across Kyungsoo’s stomach.

“You’re not a virgin, are you?” Kyungsoo asks after a few quiet moments of regarding Jongin’s blessed appearance. They’ve never talked about it before, but Kyungsoo has always known Jongin was more knowledgeable than him about certain things. He’s always been curious about it and maybe his last, somewhat suggestive statement about doing something he shouldn’t has him wondering about it.

Jongin doesn’t answer at first, just kind of stares at Kyungsoo with this serious expression until he finally shakes his head to indicate that no, he isn’t, but he reaches up to comb his fingers through Kyungsoo’s dark locks and then trail them lightly down his neck.

“I’m not,” he whispers, “but… I kind of wish I still was.”

“Why?” Kyungsoo wonders, but then Jongin’s eyes change. His eyebrows furrow a bit, and Kyungsoo can’t help but see a hint of pain flicker across his irises, lust replaced with a new emotion. Kyungsoo worries that maybe he brought up a subject he shouldn’t have.

“I lost it to this kid at my old school, it was really stupid. The more I think back, the more I wish I had waited.”

Kyungsoo nods, though he can’t really relate, “Did… something happen?”

Jongin takes a breath, and Kyungsoo worries again.

“You don’t have to tell m-”

“No, it’s alright,” Jongin interrupts, “I’ll tell you. I… I want you to know. You should know.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo whispers, encouraging Jongin to continue.

“This kid and I… we were both gay and we had kind of been secretly seeing each other for a while, hooking up and experimenting because, you know, we had never been with another boy before. We decided to sleep together because we both wanted to try it. It was the only thing we hadn’t done at that point and we just kind of wanted to get it over with,” Jongin explains, “But afterward he… I guess he got scared and couldn’t really accept that he had sex with another boy. He freaked out and stopped talking to me and blamed me as if we did it against his will, which I didn’t. But then he…” Jongin pauses to sigh, “he outed me to the entire school to get back at me.”

Kyungsoo feels his heart drop.

Jongin looks so hurt, eyes glossing over, yet they are still somehow intent on Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry. That’s terrible, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers, because he isn’t sure what else to say when someone admits a past heartbreak like that. He isn’t sure how to react to such an instance where trust was broken. Because obviously there had to be some kind of mutual trust between that boy and Jongin, especially if they chose to sleep together, but to hear that this boy broke Jongin’s trust in that way, Kyungsoo can’t imagine that, or how that feels. And looking at Jongin, Kyungsoo knows he’s trying to keep his voice steady while telling this story.

“The past is the past,” Jongin says, as if he’s trying to convince himself, “I don’t plan on ever seeing him again and he doesn’t have to see me either.”

But Kyungsoo hears the way Jongin’s voice changes. The way it shrinks at the end, as if he’s trying to keep it steady but he can’t.

“Is that…. Is that why you transferred?” Kyungsoo asks, finally putting the pieces together and realizing this must be why Jongin never told him before. This must be why he avoided the subject of transferring anytime Kyungsoo asked.

Jongin gives him a sad nod.

“It wasn’t him, even though he hurt me. It was everyone else.” Jongin’s voice falters, and Kyungsoo can tell he’s trying to be strong, trying not break in front of him, and that terrifies Kyungsoo. “I… I couldn’t even go to school anymore.”

“What?” Kyungsoo wonders cautiously, and when Jongin doesn’t answer right away he asks again, “What do you mean, Jongin?”

“I-I can take teasing, like if it’s about my skin or something, that’s different. I was actually pretty popular at my old school, so the teasing was never serious. But when everyone found out I was gay… what they were doing wasn’t teasing, i-it was…”

This is when Jongin’s tears finally spill over, and Kyungsoo ignores the way his throat closes at the sight, the way he feels like he’s about to cry as well, and swipes his thumb underneath Jongin’s eyes to wipe the tears and comfort him.

“It was bullying, Kyungsoo. People… hurt me. Physically.”

“What?” Kyungsoo chokes out, it’s barely audible as it’s drenched in utter disbelief and shock.
Kyungsoo watches Jongin swallow and then nod, looking at Kyungsoo through damp lashes. Kyungsoo thinks it’s heartbreaking, until Jongin’s face completely crumbles and Kyungsoo panics. He isn’t sure what else to do besides wrap his arms around him and swaddle him with affection and in a second Jongin is curling into Kyungsoo, hands gripping on the back of Kyungsoo’s shirt and face pushing into the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck.

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo whispers, for a lack of anything other to say. He’s still in shock himself and just settles for holding Jongin tighter in his arms.

Jongin’s body is trembling, not a lot, but enough to tell Kyungsoo that he isn’t okay. He isn’t over what happened. He’s still hurting, despite his usual confident and optimistic demeanor. Despite looking play on the outside.

Kyungsoo feels his throat choke up, wanting to join in Jongin’s quiet sobs, but he wants to be strong for Jongin. He wants to wrap Jongin up in his embrace and protect him the same way Jongin does for him.

A part of him understands, because this has always been part of the reason he didn’t want to explore his sexuality in high school, didn’t want to come to terms with it and then risk everyone finding out and hurting him the same way. But he’ll never fully understand what this feels like.

Jongin is naturally a strong and confident person, so the fact that he was bullied to the point where he couldn’t handle it anymore, couldn’t face anyone and actually had to transfer schools, must have meant it was really bad.

Bad enough to affect Jongin like this, to not only ruin Jongin’s confidence but hurt him and break him.

And Kyungsoo is simply mystified because he can’t believe anyone in the world would want to hurt Jongin.

As far as Kyungsoo is concerned, Jongin is beautiful inside and out. He’s stunning and dazzling in a way that exceeds far beyond his caramel smooth skin or pretty features. Yet this part of his life that he is sharing with Kyungsoo is something that caused him so much pain, something he’s ashamed of. Kyungsoo’s own heart aches for him.

“It’ll be okay, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers into his ear, and even though he doesn’t have any way of knowing what’s going to happen in the future, deep down he thinks it really will be okay. Jongin deserves to be okay. Jongin deserves everything.

Jongin inhales a long shuttering breath that is still so painful to hear and feel that it makes the tears pooling around Kyungsoo’s eyes start to fall.

“I know,” Jongin finally responds, nodding in agreement, “I know it will.” His hold squeezes around Kyungsoo again, as if it’s Kyungsoo that will make it all okay. As if it’s Kyungsoo that’s made him happy again.

Kyungsoo pulls back after a while and they just look at each other. Jongin looks at Kyungsoo with so much affection that his heart swells. He isn’t sure he deserves it, but he reaches to brush the tips of his fingers down Jongin’s face, tracing the immaculate features that adorn it. Even if he has bloodshot eyes, Jongin is still gorgeous when he cries.

“Okay?” Kyungsoo asks as he strokes his forefinger down the bridge Jongin’s nose. Jongin nods and leans up to kiss Kyungsoo lightly on the lips. They kiss soft and slow, and their cheeks are wet from crying and brush. And then the kissing turns into a series of pecks, each and every one laced with a different emotion that seemingly overwhelms Kyungsoo to the point where he is the one shivering and dizzy.

“Thank you,” Jongin tells him between the kisses.

Kyungsoo isn’t sure how long they continue like that, just kissing and cuddling, whispering sweet words, but they do until Jongin’s breathing has slowed and Kyungsoo knows he’s calmed down.

“Jongin… Why would you…” Kyungsoo stops to think about how he chooses his words, he doesn’t want to scold Jongin, but he’s genuinely curious, “why would you pursue someone so soon?” Kyungsoo asks, but what he really wants to ask is “why would you pursue me of all people?”

Jongin pets Kyungsoo’s head, and for some reason, this question has him finally smiling fully.

“I couldn’t help it really,” Jongin chuckles a bit at Kyungsoo when his eyes widen in question, “I just liked you. I was instantly drawn to you.”

Kyungsoo suppresses the blush, eyes still wide with confusion, “Why?” He mumbles.

“I don’t know,” Jongin answers, and then runs the pad of his thumb across Kyungsoo plush lips, “maybe it was your lips.”

Kyungsoo flushes.

“Maybe it was your big eyes,” Jongin whispers, leaning up to press his lips to Kyungsoo’s eyelid and Kyungsoo feels his stomach flutter.

“Or maybe it was just the cute way you shuffled to into the seat across from him,” Jongin finishes, smoothing his hands down Kyungsoo’s hips again and leaving Kyungsoo very warm. “Whatever it was, I decided I wasn’t going to let what happened in the past keep me from exploring my feelings for you. I wasn’t going to avoid my sexuality or give up my happiness just because some people don’t like it.”

Kyungsoo thinks about that and how he’s always kind of done the opposite. For different reasons, because he didn’t want to draw more attention to himself. He didn’t necessarily care whether the attention was negative or positive- they both had the same effect on him.

But he has never thought about it the way Jongin has, and he knows Jongin is right.

“How do you know I’m not like him, though?” Kyungsoo asks quietly, almost afraid to ask the question. Afraid Jongin will realize that maybe they are similar, and let Kyungsoo go.

But Jongin seems to think the question is amusing, he looks down and plants a small kiss on the top of Kyungsoo’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair in a way that makes Kyungsoo’s body feel light as a feather, as he says, “you’re not.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I guess I can’t be, but from the moment I met you I could tell you were different from him. Your personality is entirely different. Everything is different.”

“Okay but, I mean,” Kyungsoo scratches his head, unsure if he should bring it up, “I’m not completely sure if I’m gay. He seemed to have similar feelings.”

“That doesn’t mean you’ll do what he did,” Jongin says, smoothing his palm down Kyungsoo’s hair, “And anyway, I like you a lot more.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t try to argue further. Kyungsoo knows he would never turn the blame on Jongin for the things they’ve done, nor would he ever tell the entire school that Jongin was gay, even if he was angry at him, even if he was as scared as this kid from Jongin’s old school had been. Kyungsoo isn’t the type to do that, nor would he ever go out of his way to talk to people even if he wanted to get back at Jongin for any reason.

But something uneasy stirs inside him, because knows himself. Knows he might get scared one day. And even though he knows he’d never do the same thing the other boy did, Kyungsoo still doesn’t trust himself.

And Jongin doesn’t deserve to be hurt again.

Jongin deserves better than him too, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to think about that.

Being with Jongin always makes Kyungsoo forget all about his anxiety, all about his fears. He feels different with Jongin, normal. Like he’s never had a problem in the first place. And he really, really doesn’t want to lose what he and Jongin have.

He knows he should tell him about his anxiety, he does. But right now Jongin’s soft caresses and tender kisses make him push it all in the back of his mind. He doesn’t want to deal with that. He doesn’t want Jongin to stop liking him.

He doesn’t want the burden of his anxiety to push Jongin away like it has pushed away so many others in in the past.

He also doesn’t want Jongin to leave him because he’s strange or thinks he’ll be too hard to be with.

Jongin’s chin is resting on top of his head now, hands circled around his hips, and Kyungsoo just wants to stay where he is every day and melt in Jongin’s embrace.
“And we won’t make the same mistake,” Jongin says, breaking Kyungsoo from where he is stuck in his own head, “We won’t have sex until we’re ready. I-If we ever get to that point, of course,” he adds with a small, awkward chuckle.

Even though Jongin is shy as he says it, this makes warmth seep up Kyungsoo’s neck.

Sex with Jongin.

Sex with Jongin.

Somehow, the thought doesn’t terrify Kyungsoo at all. Instead, it makes him excited and nervous and feel a current run down his spine.

It’s crazy to feel this way, to already want to give someone everything after only knowing them for a little over a month. But Kyungsoo does.

He pushes all his worries aside in that moment, focusing on only the beautiful boy he’s lying with. His insides are still swirling as he leans in for one last, soft kiss. Jongin makes a quiet, yet comforting hum of content, but too soon Kyungsoo is pulling away, sliding off Jongin so he’s lying next to him. He snuggles into his side for a few moments before he says anything.

“I want to,” Kyungsoo finally utters and Jongin instantly lifts his head to look at him.

“W-what?”

“I want to have sex with you,” Kyungsoo tells him, worrying he may be saying too much too soon, but Jongin brought it up, “not now, but… when we are ready. I… I want it to be with you.”
Jongin’s gaze changes from questioning to something much different, much more emotional and he reaches out, touches the side of Kyungsoo’s face. Kyungsoo swears he see his eyes glisten a bit before Jongin tugs him into his chest.

The scent of Jongin’s t-shirt engulfs him and Kyungsoo thinks he could dissolve into Jongin’s arms forever.

“Thank you for spending time with me this vacation,” Jongin whispers and Kyungsoo just hums tiredly.

“You must be so tired of me,” Jongin then muses, partly joking, yet Kyungsoo can tell there is still that hint of self-doubt underlying in his tone that is so like Jongin. Kyungsoo will never understand how someone like him can still feel so unsure about himself, when Kyungsoo finds him so incredible. But after everything Jongin just told him, maybe he understands the self-doubt a little bit better.

“I’m not tired of you, Jongin,” Kyungsoo responds, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, “I literally lied to my friends to hang out with you these past couple of weeks and I’ve never done that before.”

Jongin frowns. “You shouldn’t lie to your friends for me, Soo. I’m not worth it,” he says, but Kyungsoo shakes his head in disagreement against his chest before Jongin mumbles, “I mean especially because Chanyeol already hates me.”

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, lifting his head. Jongin gives him a strange look.

“Seriously Kyungsoo?” Jongin says, “After the first day we sat with each other in the library all he did was give me dirty looks. It’s obvious that he has feelings for you and wasn’t exactly fond of the fact that you were sitting with me.”

“Feelings?” Kyungsoo sputters, like the word is foreign, “Don’t be ridiculous. Chanyeol’s not- he’s not gay…” Kyungsoo continues to shake his head in disbelief, “and he doesn’t like me.”

“Maybe he hasn’t realized it himself, but if his glares toward me indicate anything, it’s that he totally has something for you. Either that, or he’s just very protective over you.”

“What? No way,” Kyungsoo denies again, unwilling to believe.

“You’ve been blind for too long Kyungsoo,” Jongin sighs, “People like you. You just don’t want to let them in.”

Kyungsoo pouts. “But I let you in,” he argues sadly.

Jongin smiles at this, “and look what happened.”

Kyungsoo is stubborn and hates to be wrong, but Jongin has a point.

But he’s always been afraid.

And he knows Jongin is just different.

“Well, I still don’t think Chanyeol likes me that way,” Kyungsoo concludes defiantly.

“Maybe not,” Jongin agrees and Kyungsoo relaxes until he teasingly adds, “but probably.”

“Jongin~” Kyungsoo whines, pushing his forehead into his chest. Because if for some crazy reason Jongin was right, he’d really rather Chanyeol didn’t like him. It would just make things more difficult, not to mention more awkward.

“It’s fine Kyungsoo. All you have to do is get Chanyeol to look elsewhere… specifically to his other side.”

“His… other side?”

“You know, Baekhyun.”

“Baekhyun?”

“Jeez Kyungsoo,” Jongin would facepalm if his hands weren’t so comfortable on Kyungsoo’s hips and Kyungsoo wasn’t so cutely snuggling into him, “these are your friends.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kyungsoo says flatly.

“Baekhyun totally likes Chanyeol.”

Kyungsoo lifts his head as his eyes bug out and Jongin chuckles at him, turning onto his side and putting a hand on the back of Kyungsoo’s head to lay it back down and keep him close.

“Shh,” Kyungsoo can hear Jongin’s smile as he shushes him, “Just go to sleep, you’re tired.”

Kyungsoo sighs, long and dramatic, but relents anyway. He doesn’t want to think about that, or anything other than Jongin, so he nuzzles in close so that the smell of Jongin’s cotton t-shirt is the last thing he remembers before he is lulled to sleep.

The moment Kyungsoo enters through the front doors of the school, he makes a beeline for his locker. His eyes are downturned, avoiding the other students as he shuffles down the hall.

School is still school, and even though a new year has just begun, everything is strangely the same. If Kyungsoo didn’t know any better, he would think nothing has changed. He would think he hadn’t just spent the better part of the holiday break hanging out with Jongin, falling for Jongin, kissing and kissing and more kissing…

But it’s as if nothing has happened, he’s just turned back into boring, hidden Kyungsoo, rather than the Kyungsoo that he had been for over two weeks. One where he had been worshipped and cared for by Jongin and swallowed by his intense, attentive gazes.

Spending time with Jongin was an entirely different world. Kyungsoo even woke up that day wondering if it was all even real.

Kyungsoo just sighs as he bends slightly to put his books in his locker and takes out the ones he needs for his first class. The halls are filling quickly; the volume of voices steadily increases. Intent on organizing his locker, he isn’t paying attention to anyone around him and surely they aren’t paying attention to him either.

He stands fully now and takes a step back when he notices a shadow is looming over him. The figure is taller than him, so his automatic assumption is that it’s Chanyeol and doesn’t react. Just waits for Chanyeol to greet him.

“Hey Soo,” Kyungsoo hears, and he freezes.

It’s not Chanyeol.

It’s a different voice, one that makes his insides tumble and flutter in so many ways.

Kyungsoo turns with wide eyes upon hearing his nickname, just to be sure, and immediately flushes when he sees Jongin leaning casually against the locker next to his. At first, he’s struck by how good Jongin looks. He always looks good, but he has this certain glow about him that morning. Maybe it’s because of all the things they did the past couple of weeks that Kyungsoo is dumbstruck by his tousled hair, his tan skin is glistening and his teeth white as he smiles.

Kyungsoo’s eyes linger on him for too long before Kyungsoo realizes he’s been staring and needs to pull them away.

He’s so caught up in how beautiful Jongin looks, he momentarily forgets that they aren’t cuddling in Jongin’s bed, they are in the middle of the hallway for everyone to see. At the same time, Kyungsoo notices that the volume of voices in the hallway eerily decreases. When he finally makes the connection, he immediately feels his pulse speed up, blood rushing to his head so fast that he suddenly feels faint.

Kyungsoo had forgotten. He had forgotten about Jongin, and all that comes with him. How being even just his friend would garner himself prying eyes and attention he doesn’t want.

Attention he can’t have.

It’s not that Jongin is doing anything wrong at all. His stance is casual, like how any friend would greet another friend, it’s just that this ‘friend’ happens to come with curious eyes and admirers.

Kyungsoo doesn’t have to look to know, he can feel them.

He can feel the inquiring gazes burning into the back of his head of all the students who are now not only staring at Kim Jongin, but wondering why the hell Jongin is talking to him, why he’s standing so close to him, when they even became friends in the first place, and who the hell Kyungsoo even is. He swallows.

“W-what do you want, Jongin?” His voice already wavering, but he feels beads of sweat begin to form on the back of his neck and he tries to mentally fight off the stares he knows he’s receiving from the other students in the hallway. But it doesn’t work, because he feels eyes from all direction boring relentlessly into his back and he can practically hear people whispering curiously about the two of them. Kyungsoo closes his eyes tightly, wanting it all to go away.

He doesn’t want this to happen in front of Jongin.

But everyone is watching them.

Everyone is watching him.

“I just wanted to say hi before our first class,” Jongin says to him, like it’s obvious, completely oblivious to the multiple pairs of eyes on them.

Kyungsoo barely hears him above the way his heart is pounding and the volume of the voices rise. Jongin steps closer, but Kyungsoo stiffens. Jongin must notice because he takes a step back.

“J-Jongin…” Kyungsoo’s voice trembles and he can’t even form a sentence to tell him what’s wrong or why he is feeling sick all the sudden. He just looks down and away from Jongin. In his blurry peripheral vision, he can see Jongin’s entire demeanor slump at the way Kyungsoo is looking away from him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Y-you know… i-it’s just… there are p-people...” Kyungsoo can barely take a breath to form a coherent sentence, he clenches his fist together when his hands start to shake.

“What-?”

But Kyungsoo doesn’t hear the rest of what Jongin has to say because he turns and starts walking blindly down the hallway and towards his classroom as fast as he can. All he’s thinking about is how he needs to get away. He isn’t thinking about anything else.

Everyone is watching him as he walks away, head down at the ground, he knows it.

They are judging him; they think he’s weird.

Kyungsoo doesn’t stop until he reaches the classroom.

Thankfully it’s still early, so no one is in the room yet. He walks to the back of the room and sits down at his desk, lying his head on the top of it and taking a couple deep breaths when he does.

It takes him a few moments to finally calm down, for his vision to steady itself again and for his heart rate to decrease back to normal. The classroom begins to fill and he feels someone sit in the seat next to him.

“Are you okay?”

He recognizes Chanyeol’s voice, the way it’s laced with concern but also recognition of Kyungsoo’s current state.

Kyungsoo nods his head without lifting it.

“Another panic attack?” Chanyeol wonders knowingly, sympathetic but distant. Chanyeol is one of his closest friends, but he has always had trouble knowing what to do or say when Kyungsoo has one of his episodes. Kyungsoo knows he wants to help him, but Chanyeol usually just lets Kyungsoo calm down on his own. Kyungsoo doesn’t necessarily expect Chanyeol to do anything though, he’s more than thankful that at least Chanyeol understands and continues being his friend through everything.

Another nod and Kyungsoo just wants to disappear, wants the desk to swallow him whole and transport him to his bed so he doesn’t have to face the rest of the day.

The bell rings, indicating the start of class, and Kyungsoo finally lifts his head. His body feels better as he lets his eyes adjust to the light and takes out his books with shaky hands.

He feels Chanyeol eyeing him from the side, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to meet his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about it, and he doesn’t want to see Chanyeol looking sorry for him.

But only when Kyungsoo has a hold of his bearings does he realize what he had just done.

Jongin.

He just had a panic attack in front of Jongin.

He just ran away from Jongin.

He just ran away from Jongin without any explanation as to why.

His beating heart escalates again, this time for an entirely different reason.

He never told Jongin about his anxiety, even though Kyungsoo had so many opportunities to tell Jongin.

Even after Jongin told him something so personal, he didn’t say anything. He was terrified.

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting Jongin to do when they went back to school. In the back of his mind he was probably hoping Jongin wouldn’t try to seek him out in public, especially because Jongin was still in the closet at school, surely he wouldn’t be into public displays of affection in the middle of the hallway.

But that’s not even what Jongin was doing. Jongin was just being friendly. He wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, or acting like he was in a relationship with Kyungsoo. All he did was greet him, literally, even if they did do much more than what friends would do the past couple of weeks.

He should have known this would happen.

That Jongin would want to at least be his friend in school.

But he’s never been with Jongin in school other than in the library, when he had an excuse to be there and people weren’t paying attention to them.

His mind tells him to get up and go find him, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know where. He doesn’t know what to say. He feels overwhelmed.

The bell rings and Kyungsoo feels like a brick dropped to the bottom of his stomach. He is stuck in his seat, in class, despair only heightening as the class drags on.

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