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Kyungsoo doesn’t see Jongin for the rest of the day, and Kyungsoo has a feeling that it’s not just a coincidence. He knows Jongin is avoiding him. That Jongin must think Kyungsoo strange now. And why wouldn’t he? Kyungsoo literally made a scene by running away from him. So he just sits in class and tries not to feel the way his heart is cracking down the middle at the thought of Jongin never wanting anything to do with him again.

This wouldn’t be the first time he’s lost a friendship over something like this. It’s the main reason that he doesn’t tend to put himself out there or meet people in the first place.

Kyungsoo mulls all these thoughts over and over again and does what he does best, he lets his insecurities get to him. He pushes people away- even those who he feels comfortable with.

And he’s completely plagued with the fear that Jongin probably doesn’t want to be associated with him anymore.

That’s what discourages Kyungsoo from reaching out the most.

Only when it’s nearing the end of the day do they finally walk by each other.

When they do, Jongin doesn’t even spare him a glance. It sends Kyungsoo’s heart dropping to the floor. He doesn’t have enough courage to talk to him that day.

A day turns into a week.

A week turns into a month.

An entire month, and Kyungsoo watches from afar as the boy that he gave so many things to, that could somehow make Kyungsoo feel special and incredible and worth something, immerses himself into an entirely new group of friends.

Jongin joins the track team, something he had mentioned to Kyungsoo he was thinking of doing anyway. He had been involved in sports at his old school and had a lot of friends then. At least until the incident.

Jongin still never looks at Kyungsoo. Or at least Kyungsoo doesn’t think so. And Kyungsoo feels his chest wrenching with longing because he wants to be near him again, his body wants to be near Jongin’s, but he can’t do it.

It’s a terribly unfamiliar feeling, heartbreak- that’s what Kyungsoo concludes that it is- and he feels so pathetic for getting attached to Jongin so quickly when Jongin seems perfectly fine without him. But no matter how pathetic he feels, the heartbreak is real and potent. It starts in his dreams and continues the moment Kyungsoo wakes up every morning.

Yet he wakes up every morning just as afraid to talk to Jongin as the first day.

So he settles for watching Jongin walk through the hallways, now accompanied by a friend or two, usually a tall, expressionless boy named Oh Sehun. He watches Jongin sit with other jocks at lunch, including Kim Minseok and Lu Han and a couple other taller boys who tower intimidatingly over Kyungsoo, laughing and smiling- fitting in.

Plus, being a jock means Jongin gains even more attention now than ever. Not that Jongin even notices, Jongin never notices, but it makes Kyungsoo’s stomach hurt.

And not just because he feels his heart plummet to the pit of it as he looks on.

There is no way Kyungsoo’s friends don’t notice something is wrong.

Only they wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what has affected Kyungsoo’s mood so much.

It’s not as if Kyungsoo were bubbly to begin with, but it’s the annoyed glares and backhanded remarks that always showed Kyungsoo’s friends that he was okay. Now, when his friends do something idiotic or obnoxious, Kyungsoo doesn’t even say a word. He doesn’t comment and even look up from his work to send a glare. Kyungsoo doesn’t even notice the things around him anymore, too busy lost in his own pity, pathetic and drowning in thoughts of Jongin, and no will to come up for air.

He learns this when Kyungsoo sits in the library long after all his friends have left to go home, only Chanyeol and a couple random stragglers remains, finishing their assignments.

He’s done with his work, but Chanyeol isn’t, so he lies his head down in his arms on the table.

But suddenly he hears voices coming from the window and by some force of the universe he turns to look outside, though he wishes he didn’t. Because of course he sees the entire track team, probably leaving after practice, talking and laughing among each other. And even though he doesn’t want to find him, he feels his eyes searching for one person. He finds him easily. He’s alone, his hair, eyes, and long slope of his nose the only part visible under his winter coat and scarf.

Kyungsoo shivers. Jongin looks so warm, he’s always so warm. He looks beautiful and cozy in his coat and scarf, sauntering off the school grounds.

But his loving thoughts are cut off when someone runs after him, Oh Sehun, the boy Jongin has been spending a lot of time with lately. When Sehun catches up to Jongin, he swings an arm casually over his shoulder.

Jongin looks at him and smiles, saying something back to Sehun. And when they both start laughing, Kyungsoo wants to cry.

Jongin doesn’t miss him.

From the looks of it, Jongin is perfectly content without him. Maybe he has even started dating Oh Sehun and forgotten all about Kyungsoo.

“You like him don’t you,” Chanyeol says abruptly, quietly, making Kyungsoo turn to look at Chanyeol with surprised eyes. He had been so caught up in staring out the window while blocking out everything else around him, including Chanyeol who had been across from him the entire time. When he meets Chanyeol’s eyes with a confused look, Chanyeol elaborates, “Kim Jongin… you like him.”

There is no question in Chanyeol’s voice. Chanyeol isn’t a complete idiot, Kyungsoo has always known that.

Kyungsoo flushes a bit, but he doesn’t try to avoid Chanyeol’s knowing look. Instead they share a leveled gaze, one where Kyungsoo can finally read into Chanyeol’s eyes, finally see what he had wished he hadn’t seen in them but what may have been there all along; disappointment, a bit of longing for something he can’t attain.

There is something in Chanyeol’s eyes telling Kyungsoo that Jongin was actually right, Chanyeol does feel something for Kyungsoo. Whatever it is, protectiveness or untapped feelings, it’s something Chanyeol hasn’t been able to admit yet, or isn’t ready to. But it’s there.

Even though he finally discovers this, Kyungsoo still doesn’t waver, he doesn’t want to lie to Chanyeol. He doesn’t want to lie to anyone, and Chanyeol looks like he won’t believe him even if he says no.

So he admits it, finding the courage to tell one of his friends a really important piece of himself.

He admits it, knowing that the feelings for Jongin aren’t going to change anytime soon despite the heartache it brings him.

He admits it, even though he feels a small pain in his chest guilt, because he might just be hurting Chanyeol.

“I do,” Kyungsoo finally answers.

Chanyeol doesn’t look at all surprised by this admission. Instead, Chanyeol looks at him a beat longer and then turns to look outside. He looks as if he’s taking it in, thinking, before letting out a long exhale.

“Okay,” he says then, nodding. Kyungsoo just looks him with wide eyes, because he wasn’t expecting Chanyeol to relent so easily, but then again, he wasn’t sure what he expected from Chanyeol at all.

“Okay?” Kyungsoo asks hesitantly.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says again, turning to look Kyungsoo in the eyes again to show sincerity, “but if he ever hurts you or does anything to you, his face won’t be so pretty anymore.”

Kyungsoo wants to laugh at that. He wants to smile at the way Chanyeol is so protective over him, but he can’t. Instead he’s afraid Chanyeol has misunderstood or gotten the wrong idea and Chanyeol just reminded him that he and Jongin aren’t together.

“Oh- oh, no,” Kyungsoo says, shaking his head, “We- we aren’t together or anything.”

He’s never said those words out loud, but they hurt like hell.

Chanyeol, though, looks very unconvinced.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks after a couple seconds of Chanyeol giving him a look.

“Your feelings aren’t one sided,” Chanyeol says, as if it’s obvious, his demeanor turning less serious and more casual. The Chanyeol he’s used to. He laughs and shakes his head, “Only the most oblivious person would miss the way he looks at you, Soo.”

Chanyeol looks back down at the book he’s been reading, leaving Kyungsoo to stare dumfounded.

Chanyeol’s words did leave an impact on Kyungsoo, they did. He hadn’t noticed Jongin looking at him at all in the past month, had apparently been too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice.

But since he hasn’t seen it, he doesn’t get his hopes up. He can’t afford to, and a few days later he’s already fallen back into his slump of self-loathing where he is convinced Jongin doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Kyungsoo meets his friends in the library as he always does, and now he knows they can tell something is wrong because they all throw him concerned looks as he sits down and spreads out his work wordlessly, a blank, emotionless look on his face.

His shoulders are slouched more than usual as he immerses himself in his homework. Thankfully, it’s something he can somewhat focus on in his state. The one thing that has the ability to distract him for a little while.

But if he’s being honest, work is the last thing he wants to be doing right now. Maybe he’s being overdramatic, because all he really wants to do is get into bed and curl into his sheets and wallow in his heartache.

But he would mostly rather be in his bed cuddled with Jongin.

That thought hurts. Kyungsoo’s is really starting to get tired of the feeling, the yearning.
He sighs silently to himself and directs his thoughts back to his work, his research paper that he began last semester and is still writing, when he realizes he needs to go find a book again. He returned it before, but he actually needs it this time.

“Shit,” Kyungsoo suddenly says, a whisper that is a little harsh for him and his friends all snap their heads up to look at him in surprise. Kyungsoo hasn’t realized, but his bad mood has made him a bit foul mouthed and even less self-aware.

Kyungsoo doesn’t give them a reason for his outburst either, not like he normally might. He just slides his chair back and heads for the book shelves before he lets himself register the pairs of eyes from the many students that look at him.

He finds the row and makes a turn, and, at first, he’s too numb and careless to notice another person among the shelves. But as he approaches the shelf and sees a pair of feet from his stern view at the ground, his eyes travel upward to find Jongin looking down at him, terrified.

At first, no one says anything. The next few seconds are spent just looking at each other. Kyungsoo notices that Jongin has a book in his hand, the same book he reached for Kyungsoo over a month back, the same book Kyungsoo came to look for again.

With a heart rate doubling in speed, Kyungsoo spends the next few seconds struggling to figure out how to react in this situation. And based on the look that crosses Jongin’s eyes, the way he shuffles his feet and avoiding his eyes, Jongin is unsure as well.

After what feels like an eternity that time has frozen, Jongin makes a move to walk away and Kyungsoo is instantly terrified. He isn’t sure why he does it, where he gets the courage to finally speak out, but he does.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers taking a few steps in his direction. Maybe it’s because they are alone. Maybe it’s because he knows if he doesn’t say something now, he isn’t sure he would do it again if the opportunity ever presented itself in the future.

Maybe it’s because he just misses Jongin so much and finally being this close to him makes him do things he normally wouldn’t.

Jongin freezes where he is. A few beats later and he finally meets Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“Oh, so now you’ll talk to me?” Jongin asks and the way he says it is so harsh, a way he’s never once heard Jongin speak. Kyungsoo already has to fight with his emotions when the tone and words send a pang to his heart.

The worst part is that Jongin’s hard tone is not stemming from anger, it’s very obviously stemming from pain. And that confuses him.

Kyungsoo stands at a loss for words.

Jongin is about to walk away again, but Kyungsoo steps forward. Without thinking he reaches out and grabs for Jongin’s sleeve to hold him back. Jongin tenses a bit at the touch and Kyungsoo can feel his heart cracking into pieces.

Jongin doesn’t want Kyungsoo to touch him.

“Jongin, stop. Let me explain,” Kyungsoo tries, and Jongin eventually turns, lifting his head and looking at Kyungsoo through his bangs and he still looks so hurt, like a depressed puppy. Jongin looks like he’s about to cry, eyes wet and glossy, but still as intense as ever.

“Why have you been acting like I don’t exist?” Jongin asks quietly before he gives Kyungsoo a chance to explain himself. And it also confuses Kyungsoo because isn’t it Jongin that’s been acting like Kyungsoo doesn’t exist?

This is all wrong if Jongin thinks Kyungsoo didn’t want to acknowledge him. If Jongin thought Kyungsoo was ignoring him because he wanted to.

“I haven’t been, let me explain-” Kyungsoo tries.

“It’s because I’m gay, isn’t it?”

“What?” Kyungsoo’s eyes widen because that’s the most absurd statement he’s ever heard, “of course not, Jongin. It’s just-”

“Because I wasn’t going to try anything, Kyungsoo. I wasn’t going to hold your hand or kiss you in public before you were ready.” Jongin defends himself, “I wasn’t trying to out you before you even knew if you were gay in the first place, I wouldn’t.”

“I know that. It’s not about that-”

“I just… I thought I did something wrong again,” Jongin whispers. “I thought maybe… I thought you were mad at me. I was afraid to talk to you again because… because I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, o-or make you hate me. Because I- I didn’t want… I was afraid… I didn’t…”

Jongin trails off, but Kyungsoo knows what he’s going to say.

I didn’t want to get hurt again.

And that’s when it finally makes sense. Kyungsoo stands dumfounded, because he hasn’t realized it before. His heart clenches at the realization that Jongin was afraid. He was afraid of overstepping a boundary with Kyungsoo. He was afraid that Kyungsoo would hurt him the same way the other boy had.

And Kyungsoo knows exactly where it’s stemming from. Finally puts the pieces together.

Kyungsoo feels like shit.

“I didn’t mean to do anything that day, I just thought we could act like friends at school.”

The way Jongin looks now is so, so vulnerable and self-conscious.

And the way Jongin is trying to defend himself, it means he’s blaming himself, and Kyungsoo knows this isn’t Jongin’s fault. This is Kyungsoo’s fault.

Kyungsoo should have known Jongin would attribute Kyungsoo’s panic attack to that. He should have known that after everything he’s been through, Jongin would have concluded that Kyungsoo was running away from him because he didn’t want to be with him anymore.

And that’s why he stayed away from Kyungsoo. Not because Jongin was over him or never wanted to see him again, but because he was scared. He was scared that he had done something wrong, scared of provoking Kyungsoo into doing what that boy from his old school had done, scared of the same thing happening to him again.

“No Jongin,” Kyungsoo says, and in a moment of courage, he reaches out so he can cup Jongin’s cheek. It’s a very light touch, but Kyungsoo’s heart jumps because rather than moving away, he feels Jongin subconsciously lean into his palm, still looking at him with glistening eyes, “it wasn’t you. Don’t ever think that. I- I like you so much.”

This makes Jongin perk up, but it still looks as if he is holding himself back.

“I would never do that to you,” Kyungsoo says sternly, willing Jongin to believe him, “I would never do what he did.”

“Then why did you run away from me?” Jongin asks quietly.

Kyungsoo stares into his eyes for a while. They are so pretty, even when there is sadness behind them. Even when they are glossing over. His eyes are pretty and his face is pretty.

Jongin is beautiful, that’s why.

And Jongin has no idea.

“You really don’t know, do you?” Kyungsoo asks and Jongin just looks confused by the question. He shakes his head and Kyungsoo sighs.

“You don’t even notice it, Jongin. You don’t even realize all the attention you get; the way people turn heads when you walk down the hall. You are tall and attractive with this beautiful skin and you just stand out in so many ways and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing to be beautiful…”

Jongin is looking at him so attentively, and it’s the first time in a long time that Kyungsoo has had this kind of gaze on him from Jongin. He missed it, he missed Jongin’s attention, but Kyungsoo has to look down so he doesn’t lose his thoughts.

“It’s just that if… if I’m with you, even if we are just friends, everyone will stare at me too, everyone will wonder why I’m with you or when we became friends and I can’t…” Kyungsoo feels like he’s going to cry and he’s so embarrassed to be like this in front of Jongin, but he can’t help it. Jongin hesitantly lifts his own hand now, swiping his thumb under Kyungsoo’s eyes when a single tear drops from the corner of his eye. It’s amazing how quickly their roles switch, as if seeing Kyungsoo crying in front of him puts Jongin into protective mode, no matter how long it’s been since they’ve talked, “I can’t have a lot of people looking at me. I-I don’t like attention. I-If people look at me I start to shake and my heart pounds and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ll just… I start to have a panic attack.”

His eyes begin tearing up around the rims and Kyungsoo tries to blink them away, but in his blurred vision, he feels arms wrap around his shoulders, engulfing him in an incredible warmth that Kyungsoo missed so much- Jongin’s warmth- and Kyungsoo feels the familiar desire to bury his face into Jongin’s chest and stay there forever.

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin whispers but Kyungsoo continues.

“W-when you came up to me in the hall back then, I had no control over it. I just… I could feel everyone staring at me- us, and I just panicked. I couldn’t help it. I-it has nothing to do with you being gay o-or being embarrassed by you, it’s just the way I am.”

Kyungsoo sniffles into Jongin’s chest and Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo once. It’s silent for a while and Kyungsoo feels a weight lifted off him- even if he’s still scared it might push Jongin away.

“How come you never told me?” Jongin asks.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because I was embarrassed and scared and I didn’t want you to stop liking me. But after it happened, I thought you didn’t like me anymore. I thought maybe you thought I was strange, because a lot of people do. I didn’t think…” Kyungsoo pauses and takes a deep breath, letting it out shakily, “…I didn’t think you would actually think I was embarrassed of you. Or that I was going to turn on you. It’s my fault.” Kyungsoo admits sadly, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jongin still doesn’t say anything and Kyungsoo continues.

“I just really, really like you. I like you so much and I didn’t know what I would do if you stopped… but then I ruined it anyway. I always do.”

There’s another long moment of silence that worries Kyungsoo, but then Jongin runs a comforting hand down Kyungsoo’s neck and spine and back up again, tugging him closer.

“I never stopped liking you, Kyungsoo,” Jongin says, “I can’t, and I don’t want to either.”

Kyungsoo’s heart jumps and he can’t help but let out a whimper at the feeling. He finally reaches up and wraps his own arms around Jongin’s neck, snuggling closer while he breaks down and cries.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo whispers after at least ten of hugging and crying. He presses his ear to Jongin’s chest. Kyungsoo can feel his heartbeat and it gives Kyungsoo a certain comfort.

“Don’t be sorry,” Jongin says, combing a hand through Kyungsoo’s hair, “I’m sorry for misunderstanding.”

Jongin lowers his face and kisses the top of Kyungsoo’s head, sending familiar shivers down his spine.

He can’t process that Jongin is forgiving him, because eventually Jongin’s hands are moving to cup Kyungsoo’s face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over Kyungsoo’s cheeks to make Kyungsoo look up at him.

There are still tears in Jongin’s eyes as he looks down at him.

“I really, really like you too, Kyungsoo, and that’s not going to change.”

They stand there and look at each other for a moment, faces so close for the first time in so long. Jongin’s thumb moves lower to press the corner of Kyungsoo’s mouth, then softly stroking across his bottom lip.

Kyungsoo isn’t sure how long they stand like that, how long they stand with their faces close as can be, nose tips just barely touching. Jongin’s bangs are falling against Kyungsoo’s forehead and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do besides close his eyes.

And finally, finally Jongin leans forward.

Kyungsoo feels his stomach begin tumbling and twisting incessantly the moment their lips meet. It’s a soft kiss, a short kiss and Kyungsoo can’t believe it’s happening, Jongin is kissing him again, Jongin is forgiving him. But Jongin is pulling away too soon and just slightly so their noses are still brushing.

“I missed that so much,” Jongin mumbles, “so much,” he adds and Kyungsoo says nothing, just leans forward to continue the kiss.

It’s a different kiss this time and Kyungsoo inhales a jagged breath through his nose, hand rising to bury itself in Jongin’s soft hair.

Jongin’s lips move slow, opening slightly and slotting Kyungsoo’s bottom lip in between. It’s the same deliberate yet needy kiss as their very first one and Kyungsoo feels like he is going to pass out from how dizzy it makes him, because even though he just told Jongin everything and Jongin still likes him, still wants to hold him and kiss him. He didn’t lose Jongin, even after everything, and that thought makes his heart swell. He doesn’t want to pull away any time soon- he wants to keep savoring each his lips because it’s been weeks since he’s tasted them.

So he just remains there, being kissed breathless by Jongin and losing his bearings and all his control and all sense of where they currently are- in the school library where anyone could find them.

But Kyungsoo is so lost as he presses back and tightens his hold around Jongin’s neck. Jongin, in response, leads Kyungsoo backwards up against a bookshelf and then presses their bodies together, earning a small sound from the back of Kyungsoo’s throat.

And then, as if this wasn’t enough, Jongin laces the fingers of both his hands into Kyungsoo’s smaller ones and presses them against the bookshelf on either side of Kyungsoo’s head.
An action that that makes Kyungsoo feel hot, hotter than he already was, when something stirs in his gut that is most definitely not appropriate for the library.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo sighs against Jongin’s lips, though he doesn’t know why. Jongin hums, pulling back so he can press his lips down Kyungsoo’s neck. And Kyungsoo lulls his head back, trembling at even the slightest of touches.

Jongin glides his nose back up the side of Kyungsoo’s neck and Kyungsoo whimpers.

“I missed this too,” Jongin whispers quietly, but it’s practically a low growl, before planting another soft kiss and continuing his journey upward.

Lips meet his again and it’s so hot. Kyungsoo is burning up, but they go on like that, just making out in the back of the library between shelves of books. Kyungsoo feels elated by the sensation of Jongin’s touches, barely aware that his hands are still pinned beside his head and he is in a particularly precarious position. He doesn’t care, he just kisses back indulgently, greedily, because he missed this, he’s been wanting this for a month, he’s never going to stop- until they both hear a gasp that is not from either of them.

They both snap their heads in the direction of the sound.

“I- uh- sorry,” Baekhyun sputters as he stands at the end of the aisle, blushing and looking awkward as hell. The expression on his face is so comical Kyungsoo almost wants to laugh.

“Baekhyun-” Kyungsoo’s face turns red with warmth, warmer than it already was.

“No it’s fine, just- please, er, please continue- I mean, you don’t have to, unless you want to- I mean, yeah. I’ll be going now,” Baekhyun stammers as he backs out of the aisle, almost running face first into the bookshelf when he turns to head back to his table.

When he’s out of sight, Jongin sends Kyungsoo a worried look but Kyungsoo just shakes his head.

“Don’t worry,” Kyungsoo tells him, “Baekhyun wouldn’t say anything to anyone.”

Jongin nods in understanding and it’s then they both seem to notice their position and how provocative it really is. It’s no wonder Baekhyun looked so scandalized. Kyungsoo blushes and Jongin smiles awkwardly and clears his throat, clearly having not realized how carried away he had gotten either. Jongin lowers their hands so they are laced together on either side of them, and settles for bumping their foreheads together.

“You should probably get back to your friends anyway,” he whispers.

Kyungsoo nods, even though he really, really doesn’t want to walk away from Jongin after having finally kissed him for the first time in so long.

“But… do you want to hang out on Saturday?” Jongin’s question sounds so unsure, as if he’s still unaware that he’s all Kyungsoo can even think about, that he’s all Kyungsoo has thought about since they met. Kyungsoo finds it so endearing he almost wants to laugh, but it makes Kyungsoo’s lips spread into a heart, “we can talk and-” Jongin leans in more, lips brushing against Kyungsoo’s ear, “make up for lost time?”

This time it’s Kyungsoo’s turn to give Jongin a peck on the lips. It makes Jongin break into the most beautiful smile.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo answers, smiling softly, “Saturday.”

When he returns to his table, Kyungsoo knows Baekhyun hasn’t said anything to anyone about what he saw because they look very unsuspecting. Everyone except Baekhyun, who glances at him strangely. Kyungsoo slides into his seat and attempts the block out the rest of the world while he does his work, ignoring the occasional curious looks Baekhyun continues to throw his way. But even if he blocks out everyone else, he can’t keep Jongin out of his mind, he can’t stop feeling Jongin’s lips on his and he especially can’t suppress the way his stomach flutters at the thought of how turned on he was getting in the library, of all places.

And Jongin.

Jongin still likes him. Jongin kissed him. Jongin still wants to be with him. Even after Kyungsoo told him everything…

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says suddenly, pulling Kyungsoo from his distracting thoughts, “Kyungsoo can’t go home with you today. I forgot to tell you that we are hanging out.”

“Why can’t I come?” Chanyeol asks, pouting.

“Girl talk,” Baekhyun responds quickly and Kyungsoo has to resist the urge to hit him over the head with his textbook. He does send him a glare though.

“The fuck?” Is Chanyeol’s response, whilst raising an eyebrow in amusement.

“Okay, fine,” Baekhyun concedes, “He is going to teach me a new cookie recipe, and you hate baking so we didn’t invite you.”

Chanyeol seems to believe this.

“Alright,” Chanyeol grins largely, wriggling his eyebrows, “bring me some tomorrow?”

And that’s when Kyungsoo notices it, the way Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol, the way Baekhyun is visibly heating up under Chanyeol’s infectious gaze and bright smile. This time he knows what it means.

“Sure,” Baekhyun says, but he soon turns away to evade eye contact and hide the soft blush on his cheeks. Chanyeol probably doesn’t notice it, but Kyungsoo definitely does.

“I’m sorry for interrupting you guys.”

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are about halfway to Baekhyun’s house when Baekhyun finally brings up the topic. The walk to Baekhyun’s house is short, ten minutes at most, but he had waited until they were away from the school and other students to bring up the subject.

Kyungsoo can’t help it, he feels warm blush creep up his face despite the cold, crisp February air as he merely reminisces on what he and Jongin were doing when Baekhyun found them. Jongin’s lips against his, the way his hands had been caressing the back of his neck so sweetly, pressing him up against the bookshelves…

“It’s fine,” Kyungsoo responds, voice muffled by the scarf he wrapped multiple times around his neck and chin.

“It’s just… you kind of stormed away from the table and we were all concerned,” Baekhyun explains, “especially because you’ve been acting so sad lately. And when you didn’t come back, I said I’d go see if you were okay. But it looked like you were doing just fine.”

“I guess I wasn’t okay,” Kyungsoo admits and when Baekhyun doesn’t saying anything, Kyungsoo knows he wants him to continue, “I kind of… messed up with Jongin a few weeks ago and what you saw was us- er… making up, I guess.”

Baekhyun snorts, “Nice way to make up,” he mumbles and Kyungsoo gives him a light shove with his shoulder.

Baekhyun must realize that Kyungsoo isn’t going to elaborate on what’s going on between he and Jongin, because he gives him an incredulous look.

“Are you really not going to give me any more details?”

Kyungsoo exhales, the condensation of his breath visible in the cold air.

“Fine, we hung out over break a lot and one day he kissed me,” Kyungsoo says, “Then he confessed to me and I told him I liked him too, but I wasn’t sure if I was gay and we… well, we hooked up a few times.”

Baekhyun’s entire face changes from mild concern and interest to complete and utter shock when he snaps his head in Kyungsoo’s direction with wide eyes.

“You hooked up with him!?”

Kyungsoo freezes and sends a few nervous glances around him. Luckily they are now in front of Baekhyun’s house and no one else is around, including, thank goodness, Baekhyun’s very conservative mother and father. Then he nods hesitantly because Baekhyun, despite always being somewhat dramatic, really does look absolutely scandalized and he’s not sure which part is causing the look on his face; the fact that he hooked up with someone, or the fact that that someone was Kim Jongin.

Once Kyungsoo confirms it though, he looks away and doesn’t say anything for a few moments as they walk up to the front door of Baekhyun’s house. He is strangely quiet, as if trying to process the information, as he opens his front door and they both step in, immediately hit with a welcomed wave of warmth. They pull off their coats and toe off their shoes before Baekhyun finally turns and looks Kyungsoo in the eyes, his face shows a hint of unease.

“Did you…?” His whispered question falls short, like he’s afraid to say it, but Kyungsoo knows what he’s trying to ask.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “N-no we didn’t,” and Baekhyun’s features instantly relax.

“Then what did you do?”

“Just… other things.”

“Other things?”

Kyungsoo flushes a bit as he nods, “you know… other things.”

“Shit,” Baekhyun just whispers into the air and then a few seconds later he throws up his arms in the air dramatically, making Kyungsoo flinch, “I can’t believe this. He transferred to our school two months ago and you’ve already sucked his dick!”

Kyungsoo looks affronted, “Baekhyun!” He chastises. Really, he thanks god that Baekhyun’s parents work until late.

“Well you have, haven’t you?”

Kyungsoo’s face heats up. “Well, I- yes, but-”

Baekhyun’s mouth falls open before Kyungsoo can finish, “Why didn’t you tell me? How could you hide something like this from me?”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you,” Kyungsoo explains, “it’s just that I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was sure. I’m… still not sure and he doesn’t want everyone to know he’s gay either.”

At this, Baekhyun finally closes his mouth and his face softens.

“You’re still not sure? I mean, it sure didn’t look like you were questioning your feelings for him when he had you pressed up against the bookshelf.”

“I don’t question my feelings for him,” Kyungsoo answers, “I really like him and I’ve never denied it. I just feel like I can’t be so sure I’m gay when he’s the only person I’ve ever felt this way about.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Baekhyun merely shrugs.

Kyungsoo gives him a bewildered look.

“I mean… it doesn’t matter if you label yourself as gay or not because he is the only one you have feelings for and maybe he’ll always be the only one,” then he pauses for a second, he looks as though he’s stifling a laugh, “Maybe you're just… Jongin-sexual.”

Baekhyun finally bursts into a loud laughter at his own, lame joke and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but agrees anyway.

“Maybe you’re right.”

And then he lets out a really long sigh, because that’s not even the real problem. Whether he’s gay or not isn’t what he’s worried about, he’s worried that he can’t even be around Jongin in public because he attracts so much attention. Too much attention for Kyungsoo the handle.

“I don’t know Baekhyun. It’s just… He came up to me in the hallway and I had a panic attack because everyone was looking at us and ran away from him and so then he thought I was embarrassed by him or that he did something wrong, but really I just couldn’t be seen with him because everyone was looking at us, because everyone always looks at Jongin because he’s beautiful, and I was embarrassed about having a panic attack in front of him that I was too afraid to talk to him afterward, so that’s why we didn’t talk for almost month. And to be honest, it’s not even just about people finding out I might be gay. I don’t care that I might be gay, or that I’m Jongin-sexual, or whatever you called it. It’s that I literally can’t even be his friend in public because he’s so fucking hot!”

When Kyungsoo finishes, he’s breathing heavily and there is a moment of pure silence until Baekhyun starts laughing. Baekhyun just laughs while Kyungsoo is fuming, legitimately catching his breath after a long vent. Yet for some reason Baekhyun finds it all comical.

“Kyungsoo, that’s a minor detail,” Baekhyun waves off casually, now turning to open a cupboard and inspecting the contents inside it, “we’ll make it work.”

“How can you be so sure?” Kyungsoo asks. Baekhyun seems to feel very easy going about this situation.

Baekhyun shrugs, pulling out a few baking materials- flour, sugar, even an electric mixer- and Kyungsoo wonders if he really was serious about making cookies, because he knew it was actually just an excuse to give Chanyeol. “I’ll think of something, don’t worry.”

Kyungsoo is still not entirely convinced, worry crossing his thoughts, but he doesn’t say anything more as he watches Baekhyun, furrowing his eyebrows as he inspects a hardened bag of brown sugar, having suddenly moved on to another thought entirely.

“Now you should teach me how to make cookies,” Baekhyun says, looking a bit wistful as he opens a different cupboard and takes out some bowls and measuring cups. “Chanyeol is expecting them.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t ask Baekhyun why he is actually serious about making cookies for Chanyeol, because he doesn’t think he needs to ask. It took until that day, but Kyungsoo finally sees it on his own, the way Baekhyun looks when he talks about Chanyeol and the fact that Jongin was right.

He isn’t sure, but it somehow strikes a chord with him and inspires him.

Because Baekhyun doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future. He doesn’t have the slightest idea how Chanyeol feels about him, how Chanyeol feels about anyone. He doesn’t know if Chanyeol will return Baekhyuns feelings, or will ever have the ability. Yet despite everything, despite not knowing, Baekhyun keeps trying anyway. And clearly Baekhyun is determined to try for Chanyeol, even if he doesn’t know what lies ahead.

It inspires Kyungsoo, tells him that he needs to try for Jongin. He needs to try to make it work, even if he still fears the unknown.

So Kyungsoo tries.

They both do.

Jongin and Kyungsoo decide together that they don’t want to date publicly, nor do they want to come out to the entire school. They decide that with only a few months left of the semester, and the fact that high school is a bitch, coming out won’t make anything easier for either of them. Especially not after what happened to Jongin at his old school, and not when Kyungsoo can’t handle the attention that may come from it. It’s not a hard decision for them at all.

But Kyungsoo can’t continue the rest of the year pretending Jongin doesn’t exist at school. He doesn’t want to anyway, and he decides that the least they could do is be friends in public.

Kyungsoo really, really wants to try, because he really, really wants to be with Jongin.

But the wild interest in Jongin doesn’t exactly die as the second semester progresses. Sure, he is no longer the mysterious new kid now, but he still gathers a ton of attention. He still receives confessions from girls on a weekly basis, has people fawning and falling over him anytime he does so much as walks by them in the hallway.

And it doesn’t help that he is now part of a sports team, and an important new asset to the team at that. Meaning his popularity has been skyrocketing, the same way it probably had at his old school.

Now Jongin isn’t the new kid, he’s the school athlete. And to the people who still don’t really know him, he isn’t “the dark kid,” he’s “that hot kid on the track team.” If Kyungsoo wants to remain unnoticed, he can never be around him alone.

So Baekhyun’s big idea is to make Jongin part of their group of friends. It sounds stupid at first, but Kyungsoo realizes it’s really not.

Slowly and surely, Jongin infuses his way into Kyungsoo’s entire friend group.

It starts with Baekhyun, the first friend Kyungsoo officially introduces Jongin to. Baekhyun, who smirks slightly when they first meet because last time he had seen him, Jongin had Kyungsoo pinned up against a bookshelf. Turns out Baekhyun has had a class with Jongin all along and uses it as a means to get to know him. Baekhyun is also the one who introduces Jongin to the rest of them- Yixing, Jongdae, and Chanyeol- as if Kyungsoo were never that close with him in the first place.

Jongdae takes to him easily, considering he could care less about people’s personal affairs. Jongin also laughs at his jokes, and that sits well with him.

Yixing is even easier, he likes everyone really, has an easy going personality, so Kyungsoo was never worried about him.

It’s Chanyeol, however, that is a harder conquest. He’s never said anything, but Kyungsoo has a feeling Chanyeol has disliked Jongin from the beginning, though it had nothing to do with Jongin’s actual personality. This only further proves Jongin’s suspicions correct, that Chanyeol has feelings for Kyungsoo, or at least has a protective hold over him.

Chanyeol does relent though, and accepts Jongin into his life. Kyungsoo thinks it’s partly for his sake, at least in the beginning. But eventually, Chanyeol takes to Jongin easier than the rest of them had and it’s like Chanyeol never had anything against Jongin in the first place.

Jongin still has other friends, and his budding friendships with Kyungsoo’s friends mean that Jongin’s friends want to intermingle with them. It doesn’t help that Jongin’s friends are the athletes and the most popular kids in school.

Sometimes it causes problems, like one day at lunch.

Jongin decides to sit with Kyungsoo and his friends that day, which is fine, Jongin sits between Chanyeol and Baekhyun, only across from Kyungsoo, so Kyungsoo can still sneak looks at him and not feel totally ashamed. He’s gotten used to the way things are. He’s gotten used to the occasional glances in the direction of their group of friends because Jongin is there. It happens slowly, but all is well, that is, until a couple not-so-familiar faces show up in front of their table, looking at all of them expectantly.

“What’s up guys?” Jongin asks a little warily when he finds Luhan, Sehun, and Minseok looming over their lunch table with trays in hand.

“We wanted to come sit with you,” Luhan responds, “we figured that if you’re friends with these guys, then they are probably pretty cool.”

Luhan looks over at Minseok and Sehun for back up. Sehun shrugs, eyes flitting over to and looking strangely at Kyungsoo, causing Kyungsoo to avert his gaze awkwardly and fidget in his seat, while Minseok smiles in agreement.

“Why not just sit all together, you know?” Minseok adds.

Unbeknownst to them, Jongin shoots a concerned look at Kyungsoo, who gives a small nod even though his heart is thundering inside his chest.

When Jongin gives them the okay, the three jocks sit down in three empty seats at the table, mentioning that the others, Tao and Yifan, will probably join them once they arrive as well. Kyungsoo just looks down at his lunch and tries to make himself invisible.

They are intermingling. Kyungsoo knows that and it’s supposed to be a good thing, but Jongin definitely notices the way Kyungsoo squirms at the addition of new people in the corner of his eye. The way he looks down and away from the people who are much more popular than Kyungsoo and his friends.

And Jongin is too far away from him to comfort Kyungsoo Too far away to hold Kyungsoo’s hand or squeeze his knee to keep him calm, the way he’s been doing a lot lately.

Yifan and Tao eventually arrive, and when they do, the entire group decides it’s a good idea to go around and introduce themselves. Kyungsoo remains largely unnoticed, that is, until Sehun specifically directs a question toward Kyungsoo.

It’s a simple question- what Kyungsoo’s plans are for university in the fall, one Kyungsoo has an answer to even.

But when they all look at him expectantly, he freezes up, because there are five new pairs of eyes looking in his direction, waiting for him to speak, staring at him, judging him…

Kyungsoo’s throat goes dry and he doesn’t answer. Instead his mind runs wild with paranoia, influencing his body’s every move so he is standing up and walking out of the cafeteria without looking back. He heads for the bathroom, heart pounding until he finally enters a stall. He closes it and locks it with shaky fingers before leaning his back against it and closes his eyes.

He isn’t in there for very long before the embarrassment of what just happened begins to seep in, but before he succumbs to the feeling of humiliation there is a knock on the stall door. It doesn’t surprise him and Kyungsoo doesn’t have to look to see who it is, especially because he can see the familiar sneakers peeking from underneath the door.

The moment Kyungsoo opens the door, Jongin steps in.

Wordlessly, Kyungsoo feels his body being pulled in, wrapped into warm, strong arms. Kyungsoo sniffles in Jongin’s shoulder and he instantly feels his trembling body relax. They stand like that for a while, until Kyungsoo has stopped shaking completely.

“I’m sorry Jongin,” Kyungsoo mumbles, “I tried but I couldn’t help it. I- I didn’t mean to run away from your friends. I probably embarrassed you, I’m sorry.”

“You will never embarrass me,” Jongin says, his voice so overwhelmingly confident that Kyungsoo can’t help but believe him, and Jongin begins his usual act of combing through Kyungsoo’s hair with his fingers, “And stop apologizing. It takes time and I’m not expecting you to change overnight.”

Kyungsoo nods his head up and down against Jongin’s broad chest, “Thank you,” he says, words muffled into Jongin’s uniform shirt as he lifts his own arms, and wraps them around Jongin’s neck to bring him closer. “It wasn’t as bad as normal, my sight was just a little blurry. My heart though…”

Kyungsoo inhales and exhales deeply and feels Jongin slouch his head forward, pushing it into the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck, letting his nose brush against the skin there. Kyungsoo just hums, indulging in the embrace and relief Jongin brings him.

“I told Sehun,” Jongin whispers into his neck after a few moments.

“Told Sehun what?” Kyungsoo asks, starting to feel so calm in Jongin’s arms that he could probably fall asleep standing up.

“Not that we are dating, but that I like you.” Jongin breathes out an awkward chuckle, “Well, actually, he kind of figured it out himself. I think that’s why he was trying to involve you in the conversation. He was probably trying to be nice to you for me. I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo gives a small nod, “That’s okay, he doesn’t know.”

“Still, it’s my fault, I probably shouldn’t have even told him how I feel yet.”

“It’s okay, Jongin. I told Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo responds, and then repeats Jongin’s words, “not that we are dating, but that I like you.”

“I think Chanyeol knows we are dating, though,” Jongin then smiles fondly, as if thinking of a warm memory, “because the other day he threatened to rearrange my face if I ever hurt you.”

“He’s an idiot,” Kyungsoo snorts, though he truly appreciates Chanyeol for caring so much about him.

“He cares a lot about you,” Jongin remarks, “but don’t worry, I’ll never hurt you. My face is safe.”

Kyungsoo laughs cutely, lets his fingers dance across the nape of Jongin’s neck and along his hairline in a giddy sort of way. The movement has Jongin chuckling and tightening his hold.

The entire scene has Kyungsoo feeling a wave of contentment wash over him. There is a wave of relaxation, being in Jongin’s arms. There always has been, and this time Kyungsoo feels this strangely elated and relieved feeling.

Relief in what they are, who they are, and that they will get through everything together. Things aren’t perfect, but he knows that he and Jongin will be okay. Sometimes Jongin just has to wrap him up in his arms and remind him.

“Soo,” Jongin says.

“Hm?”

“I think everything is going to be okay.” It’s as if Jongin had been reading Kyungsoo’s mind. Kyungsoo smiles at the idea of Jongin feeling the exact same way as he does, he finds comfort in that, in the effortlessness they’ve found in one another.

“Me too,” Kyungsoo agrees, “one day. But- er… Jongin?”

“Hm?” Jongin hums happily.

“As much as I enjoy you,” Kyungsoo looks down at their feet and starts to wriggle out of Jongin’s death grip, “This isn’t romantic at all.”

A chuckle rumbles down Jongin’s chest and then he is pulling away. They are indeed in a small, men’s bathroom stall, hugging in front of a toilet. Jongin leans in to give Kyungsoo a quick kiss on the lips before opening the door so they can walk out of the stall together.

Luckily no one is in the bathroom, so no one knows that they were in a bathroom stall together. Even though they weren’t doing anything inappropriate at all, it probably would look a little peculiar if they were seen.

Jongin glances out the bathroom door and finds that there is not a single soul is in the hallway either. It’s the middle of the period, so everyone is either in class or at lunch. They exit the bathroom together and begin walking back to the cafeteria side by side.

The emptiness of the hallway is almost eerie. Surely a student is bound to exist a classroom at some point or a teacher to walk down a hall. But after a few seconds, no one does, and only the uncharacteristic quiet surrounds them. Kyungsoo thinks that the hallway will stay that way for a while, he just has a feeling.

It’s bold, but Kyungsoo reaches out and laces his fingers in Jongin’s. Jongin looks down at their hands and then up into Kyungsoo’s eyes in concern and question, because Kyungsoo would never initiate affection in the middle of the school and the fact that they are walking side by side down the hallway is even a bit risky because someone might turn the corner and see them.

Kyungsoo smiles up at him anyway, a smile that tells Jongin that it’s okay, just like he said a few moments ago. Everything is going to be okay.

It’s true. They’ve never done this. They’ve never held hands as they walked through the hallway of school. But Kyungsoo has always, always wanted to. He’s always wanted to freely hold Jongin’s hand, freely kiss him in public, without the fear of what others will think or do, without the fear of judging gazes and questioning stares. And he thinks Jongin has wanted to, too.

Even if the hallway is empty, it’s a step.

But it’ll take some time- for both of them.

And one day, Kyungsoo has no doubt they’ll be able to hold hands and walk through a hallway, a full hallway, or maybe even a park full of actual people, without a care of who notices them or how much attention they get.

He knows this now, just standing beside Jongin, feeling the warmth and comfort of his hand in his, that they will be okay.

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