Steady Now (5/10)

[kaisooficrec]

Jongin is drawing with the kids in the living room when Kyungsoo walks in there a while later. Kyungsoo sits down on the couch and pulls his phone out and catches Jongin’s eyes from across the room. Jongin smiles at him and it sends a rush of warmth through Kyungsoo’s chest. He briefly smiles back and looks down at his phone where he replies to the ridiculous amount of messages Sehun sent him, including various selfies. Kyungsoo sends a thumbs up emoji. Naeun shouts excitedly when she spots him. “Come, look what I made!” Kyungsoo quickly stuffs his phone away and walks over to the coffee table where Jongin is sitting with them. He sits down on the ground besides Naeun and rests his chin on top of her head. “Which one is yours, little one?” Naeun points at the drawing with the butterflies and flowers. Kyungsoo’s lips stretch into a smile whether he wants it or not. It’s very obvious that Jongin helped her draw it because while the butterflies look like they were drawn, well, by a four-year-old the flowers underneath are so effortlessly beautiful that it doesn’t take genius to guess that Jongin drew those. “It’s amazing, Naeun.” Kyungsoo smiles and presses a kiss into her hair that smells like strawberries. Naeun shrugs her shoulders. “Jongin oppa can draw really well. The flowers are better than my butterflies.” Kyungsoo shakes his head and picks the drawing up. “I think your butterflies are more beautiful though.” He glances at Jongin and finds him already staring at Kyungsoo. The younger smiles with a soft look in his eyes and that alone is enough to transform his heart into a hummingbird inside his ribcage. “Naeun! Taeil! Come and get ready for your bath and then you go straight to bed!” Joohyun yells from upstairs. “No!” Taeil shakes his head and looks up at Jongin from where he’s sitting in his lap. “Hyung, I-I d- don’t want t-to go to sleep!” “But it’s already late.” Jongin strokes his cheek so gently. Kyungsoo has to look away. Everything he does is more than he can handle. “I’ll read you a story again, okay?” “No. You w-were g-gone when I w-woke up last time.” Taeil mumbles. “K-Kyungsoo hyung came t- to visit b-but you d-didn’t.” Jongin’s face falls a little. “I’m sorry, Taeil... But I came today, didn’t I?” Taeil looks up with teary eyes, shaking his head as his lower lip starts wobbling. “Don’t l-leave.” Kyungsoo’s heart nearly shatters at the sight and Jongin gives him a worried look as he hugs the distraught boy to his chest. “Taeil.” Soojin shakes her head as she enters the living room and approaches them. “You’re making your hyungs feel very sad with your behavior. Jongin can’t always visit you whenever you want. He has to work.” “No!” Taeil whimpers. “E-Everyone l-leaves! I w-want hyung t-to stay!” He gets up and waddles away on his little feet, still hiccuping quietly. Jongin looks crestfallen and wants to get up and go cheer the toddler up again but Soojin holds him back with a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Jongin. He gets like this with everyone. He used to cry after Kyungsoo too until he realized that he came back every time.” “I’m sorry.” Jongin says. “It’s not your fault.” Kyungsoo reassures him. It’s Kyungsoo’s fault, for bringing Jongin here, hoping that he’d help them save the orphanage. He should’ve known that both sides would get attached. “I’ll handle it.” Soojin squeezes his shoulder and Jongin stands up to help her stand up since she was kneeling down. She looks like she’s in pain and both him and Jongin jump to steady her but she swats their hands away. “Stop fussing over me.” She scolds them. “I’m not dying yet.” Kyungsoo sighs and chuckles when she smiles at him over her shoulder on her way out. “I feel horrible.” Jongin mumbles once the old woman is gone. “I used to feel like that too.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “Those kids are used to being left behind, you know? Most of the old caretakers never came back.” “But I can’t keep coming back forever, can I? You have a different relationship with them. You’re like part of their family.” It makes Kyungsoo smile that Jongin refers to the orphanage as family. “Does it matter? All of this will be gone in a few weeks.” Jongin’s face falls even more at that. “I tried to talk to my parents. I mean, I asked my mom over the phone but she just brushed it off.” Jongin shakes his head, his hand coming up to rub his knuckles over his tired eyes. “There’s a meeting at the end of next week at our office, my father will be there too. I’ll bring it up after that again, maybe he’ll talk about it if Taemin’s around.” “It’s okay.” Kyungsoo sighs and he decides on a whim that he should just tell Jongin the rest of it. Maybe he’s lucky enough that Jongin will be so mad that he won’t talk to Kyungsoo ever again. Kyungsoo is ready to send out a silent prayer for exactly that to happen because he doesn’t know how else to get himself out of this mess. “I took you here because I hoped you could convince your parents to break the deal.” Kyungsoo says. “I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t okay to try and use you like that.” Jongin regards him silently and Kyungsoo waits for him to get up and leave but Jongin doesn’t do that. Jongin laughs. “You’re laughing...” Kyungsoo utters. “Why?” “Because I knew that from the beginning.” Jongin chuckles and shakes his head. “Hyung, you’re such a closed off person. Why else would you take a random person somewhere that’s so important to you?” “But... aren’t you mad?” Kyungsoo groans. Why is Jongin like this? “I’m just like everyone else. I used you because you’re your father’s son...” Jongin shakes his head. “Well, yeah you can see it like that. But you didn’t do it for selfish reasons, right? You did it for these kids. Now that I met them I can understand why. I don’t blame you. I would’ve done everything possible to help them too, even if it meant I had to use you for it.” Kyungsoo stares at him for a while and then huffs out a breath. “You’re impossible.” Jongin just smiles at him, like he’s trying to suffocate Kyungsoo with his entire being and the sad thing is, he’s succeeding. Kyungsoo looks down at the drawings on the table and picks one of them up. Jongin drew a little bird there, it looks like it only took seconds but it’s better than anything Kyungsoo has ever drawn. “So... how did you start drawing?” Kyungsoo wants to know. Jongin shuffles a little closer until they’re sitting side by side and purses his lips. “Long or short version?” Kyungsoo glances at the clock and estimates that the kids will be done with their baths in about ten minutes. “How about something in between?” Jongin laughs. “There’s not much story to it to be honest. I only took up drawing a year ago. I started because-” He hesitates for a few seconds and Kyungsoo waits patiently. “I had problems dealing with stressful situations. I couldn’t really control my anger or frustration.“ Jongin stops talking and when Kyungsoo looks up he sees how uncomfortable he looks. "You don’t have to tell me.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head. "It’s okay.“ Jongin shakes his head. "No. It’s fine. I think I want to tell you.“ The way he looks at Kyungsoo makes the latter forget to breathe for a second. "Uhm...“ Jongin clears his throat, tearing his eyes away from Kyungsoo’s face. "You already know I used to stutter, right?” When Kyungsoo looks up Jongin looks not only nervous but also looks embarrassed and Kyungsoo definitely doesn’t want that. He gives Jongin an understanding smile and nods his head for him to go on. “I didn’t start talking until I was five. My parents took me to every doctor possible but they couldn’t find out why I was mute. They thought I was... mentally disabled.“ Jongin shrugs and Kyungsoo feels his chest tighten at his words. "When I turned five a doctor found out that I was practically deaf.” “What?” Kyungsoo gapes a little. "But you were five, how did they not... notice?” “Don’t ask me.” Jongin shrugs. “I guess I still reacted to my parents’ voice and stuff. Though I couldn’t make out any words. I used to have these attacks, because I was so frustrated. I screamed and basically threw horrible tantrums. I got hearing aids but because I started talking so late, I spoke like a two-year-old during kindergarten. Everyone made fun of me and my parents think that’s why I started stuttering. The stutter only made everything worse of course.” Jongin huffs. “I stopped having these tantrums in middle school because that’s when I stopped stuttering and so did the bullying. Then in high school during gym one time some kids kept stuttering to rile me up and I guess that kind of triggered me. I started screaming like a fucking maniac.” Jongin pauses and then snorts, like he’s remembering it. He looks up at Kyungsoo almost to gauge his reaction, like he’s expecting Kyungsoo to look at him in disgust or something. But Kyungsoo shrugs and smiles because he isn’t sure what else he’s supposed to do. "What happened then?“ “They all thought I was crazy, of course. The bullying started again from then on. They called me Hulk.“ Jongin smirks and it kind of looks adorable. "Just... I don’t know, whenever I got angry I had this urge to scream and break things. And I did. I even hurt people when I had an attack but I didn’t realize it until it was over.“ The smirk fades away and his eyes are suddenly troubled. Sad. "Then last year, I was out with friends and my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend.” Kyungsoo knows he’s talking about Soojung. Jongin almost looks wistful and Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin misses her a lot. “Some random guy kept harassing her. I told him to stop a couple of times but he didn’t. I don’t remember most of it but at one point he grabbed her arm and wanted to drag her away. She fell to the ground and then I just... blew off.” Kyungsoo waits for him to continue, even though he already has some notion of what’ coming next. “That man was hospitalized for a week. My parents paid everyone involved to keep their mouth shut. I wanted to get therapy for my aggression and then ended up realizing that creating things was a great stress reliever. And that’s how I started drawing. I know that sounds really dramatic but it’s okay. I mean I’m fine now so, whatever.” Jongin purses his lips and glances at the clock. “That was supposed to be the short version.” Kyungsoo laughs and Jongin laughs too and Kyungsoo feels a bunch of butterflies erupt in his stomach when Jongin’s laughter dies down, his gaze remaining on Kyungsoo, too soft and too warm. “Thank you for telling me.” Jongin nods and rubs at the skin behind his ear. “I feel like I’m always talking about myself. You barely told me anything about you.” “Because I’m boring, remember?” “You’re not boring.” Jongin denies, his eyes softening even further. “You’re far from boring, hyung.” It’s too much. It’s all just much more than Kyungsoo can handle. Jongin’s entire story, Jongin’s kindness, Jongin’s laughter, Jongin’s eyes on him. Kyungsoo feels like something terrible is going to happen and it’s all because of Jongin. He picks another drawing up, hoping it’ll make the unbearable tension around them go away. “What on earth is this?” He snorts upon looking at it. It’s a circle and there are eight people inside of it, seemingly holding hands. “That’s Taeil’s drawing.” Jongin smiles. “I mean; I drew it but he told me what to draw.” “I get that but what is it supposed to be?” “Well, the circle is the earth. Those people... that’s me, you, Taeil, Naeun, Soojin, Seulgi and Joohyun.” Kyungsoo starts laughing. “But why did you draw us inside of it?” “I drew us outside of it first! But for some reason Taeil seems to think that we live inside of the globe. I told him that we live on it and he started to cry because he was scared we’d fall off so I had to draw us inside.” Kyungsoo can’t remember the last time he had laughed so hard. He brings a hand up to cover his mouth, his eyes watering from all the laughter that bubbles up inside of him. It’s not even that funny but he hasn’t laughed in a long time and it feels good to let it all out. Jongin smiles at him, his gaze soft with his eyes crinkling in the corners and Kyungsoo can’t look away because Jongin looks so happy. His eyes on Kyungsoo make his skin prickle, his heart thrumming in his veins from the feeling of Jongin’s thigh pressing up against his own. And Kyungsoo can’t remember the last time he felt like this because this right here, this makes him feel undeniably happy. The next time they go to visit the kids Jongin insists on buying Taeil a present because he didn’t manage to visit him at all last week and it’s needless to say that the entire world came crashing down on the little boy upon realizing that his favorite hyung wasn’t going to show up to play with him. "Jongin, you really don’t have to.” Kyungsoo says for the nth time while Jongin is driving them to the next toyshop. "But I feel bad for breaking my promise. And I also promised him that I’d buy him a Captain America doll. He says his Iron Man feels lonely, you know?” Kyungsoo chuckles at that. "You’re spoiling him too much.” He mumbles, thinking about the stuffed animals Jongin gave them last time. "You can’t do everything he asks you for.” This makes Jongin pout. "But I can’t say no when he looks at me like that.” He whines and Kyungsoo turns to look at him, his smile turning soft when he takes in Jongin’s expression. "Just get him a small one, please.” Kyungsoo mumbles later when they’re walking through the shop, eyeing the endless racks filled with colorful toys. It makes him feel even more horrible, like he isn’t only using Jongin but he’s also making him spend money along the way. "Hyung, look!” Kyungsoo notices that he somehow lost Jongin along the way and he feels like he came here with a little child when he finds him again in the Marvel section, holding a box in his hands with an excited look on his face. "What?” He asks, amused. "This doll moves and speaks!” Jongin frowns at it and presses a button on it’s chest and suddenly the doll makes a loud sound that startles both of them, causing Jongin to drop it with a hushed "Fuck!“. Kyungsoo chuckles at him and ignores the annoyed look the cashier sends their way. "Are you buying the doll for Taeil or for yourself?” Jongin’s ears are pink again after picking up the doll. He shrugs and puts it back. "We never had this stuff when I was little.” Kyungsoo is about to open his mouth when a female voice stops him from doing so. "Jongin?” They both turn to look at the girl and while Kyungsoo doesn’t recognize her the way Jongin’s face falls gives away that he knows her. "Hi Seohyun.” "Long time no see.” She smiles and tilts her head, her eyes never leaving Jongin. "I was just looking for a gift for my little cousin. How have you been?” Kyungsoo feels like he’s intruding so he tries to discreetly step away and act like he’s looking at the toys. To his surprise Jongin reaches his hand out behind his back and grips Kyungsoo’s wrist, stopping him from leaving. "I’ve been good. How about you?” Jongin politely answers but Kyungsoo can only really focus on the soft fingers wrapped around his wrist, refusing to let go even when Kyungsoo tries to shake them off without drawing the girl’s attention to it. "Me too.” She smiles some more, her pink lips stretching prettily around her pearly white teeth. The interest in her eyes is obvious and Kyungsoo doesn’t know why it makes him feel so restless. He suddenly just wants to get out of here. "We haven’t been able to talk ever since you broke up with Soojung.” She shrugs. "Would you like to catch up over a cup of coffee?” He tries to tug his hand back again and this time Jongin lets him. "I’m kind of busy lately.” Jongin mutters. "I can wait.” She shrugs, her lips stretching into an enticing smile. The tension in the air is insufferable, really. Jongin seems really tense too. "Aren’t you friends with Soojung anymore?” "I am. So?” Seohyun sweeps her bangs out of her eyes. "I don’t see a problem in us eating dinner together. Unless you still have feelings for her, that is.” Jongin sighs. "It was nice seeing you again, Seohyun. I just don’t think I have time right now, okay? Maybe some other time.” Seohyun rolls her eyes, clicking her tongue. "You’ll be taken by then again, Jongin, don’t try to fool me.” She finally acknowledges Kyungsoo’s existence with a tight smile. She steps closer to Jongin and leans up to whisper something into his ear and Kyungsoo finally turns around, not wanting to be a witness of any of that again. It’s none of his business. He isn’t supposed to care what Jongin does with anyone. Yet his entire body is tingling with how much he just wants to head back and take Jongin’s hand and take him away from there. Kyungsoo simply can’t seem to wrap his mind around the fact that Jongin is dealing with people approaching him like that on a daily basis or how the boy can still be so calm about it. Kyungsoo would’ve snapped a long time ago but knowing Jongin a little better now it’s pretty clear why he doesn’t lash out on them. Jongin just is too polite and well mannered. When Jongin finds him a few minutes later his expression is closed off again. He’s holding a small Captain America doll in his hands. "Can we go?” Kyungsoo tries not to look worried when he tries to look into Jongin’s eyes but the boy isn’t meeting his and he just turns his face away so Kyungsoo gives up. "Sure.” Jongin doesn’t talk until they’re back in the car and it takes Kyungsoo about five minutes into the drive until he finds the courage to open his mouth. "Are you okay?” "Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Kyungsoo shrugs and looks out of the window at the passing lights. "Who was that?” "My ex’s best friend.” "What?“ Kyungsoo gives him a confused look. Jongin has one hand on the steering wheel and the other is playing with his bottom lip. "But she was... clearly hitting on you.” Jongin chuckles but it sounds humorless. "I know.” "But... I don’t get it. Was she always interested in you? I mean, while you were with your ex?” Jongin shakes his head. "Hyung…” He sighs and tiredly shrugs his shoulders. "None of these people are interested in me. They just see money when they look at me.” It feels like a slap in the face and the tired look on Jongin’s face makes anger rise in Kyungsoo’s chest. "You’re not money. You’re a person.” It sounds so stupid but then again, it doesn’t, because the way those people treat Jongin makes it seem like they don’t even see Jongin for who he is, too blinded by the fame and wealth he represents. Jongin looks away from the road, a strange look in his eyes when he stares into Kyungsoo’s. "What about you?” "What about me?” Jongin only briefly checks the road and then locks his eyes with Kyungsoo’s again. "What do you see when you look at me?” "Does that matter?” Kyungsoo asks. "You shouldn’t care what other people think of you.” "I don’t.” Jongin shakes his head and Kyungsoo feels like the air around them is too heavy. He’s seconds away from asking Jongin to roll the windows down but he also knows that he’s the only one feeling so out of breath because Jongin’s burning gaze is suffocating him. "But I care what you think.” "Why?” Kyungsoo huffs and he tries to mask just how nervous he is all of a sudden when he feels Jongin’s eyes scanning every inch of his face. "I don’t know.” The younger mumbles slowly. "What do you see?” He asks again and he sounds anxious and nervous. Kyungsoo doesn’t want Jongin to feel like that around him. He doesn’t want Jongin to feel like that ever. "I…” He starts, furrowing his eyebrows since there are no words in his mind. Kyungsoo’s not good with words but he never thinks too much about Jongin because it’s unknown territory, makes him want to hide in his apartment for days in fear of seeing him again. "I see a hard working person.” Jongin sighs and a quiet chuckle leaves his lips. Kyungsoo can’t help but feel like he let him down so despite every nerve in him being against it he bites down on his tongue before just letting the words rush out of his mouth. "And you care about your family and friends.” He clears his throat when Jongin’s gaze turns soft at his failed attempt to form an acceptable answer. "You’re really talented. And you have a big heart, because you care about those children when other people turn a blind eye on them. And... because you make Taeil feel better about his stutter when others make him feel like it’s something that makes him abnormal. You also read stories to the kids like it’s the most important thing you’ve ever done in your life.” Jongin stares at him once Kyungsoo is done talking, taking in his features while Kyungsoo takes a calming breath and then Jongin smiles at, wider than ever before. "I never heard you talk so much.” Kyungsoo chuckles nervously because Jongin manages to make him feel so flustered. Because he manages to make Kyungsoo feel something. "Do you really think so highly of me, hyung?” Jongin asks. Kyungsoo looks down into his lap. "Yes.” And Jongin just keeps staring at him and when Kyungsoo can’t stand it any longer and looks up into his eyes Jongin looks like he’s about to say something, something Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hear. He turns his head away and glares at the scenery outside, suddenly feeling sick. Jongin doesn’t say anything else and the rest of the ride is spent in silence. That night, when they bring the kids to bed, Kyungsoo and Jongin are sitting on either side of Taeil’s bed while Jongin is telling him a made up goodnight story about two squirrels falling in love. Taeil giggles at Jongin’s silly voices while holding onto his new doll like his life is depending on it and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at it, how much Jongin already loves those kids and how they all love him in return. The room’s bathed in warm colors and Kyungsoo feels so content and sleepy and Jongin is right there, looking so soft and happy with his hand curled over Taeil’s little foot and Kyungsoo can’t tear his eyes away. He can’t look at anything else but Jongin. And when the story is over and Taeil is asleep Jongin looks up at him, their gazes locking, and Kyungsoo’s stomach flips because Jongin doesn’t look away either. They gaze into each other’s eyes for a long moment and Kyungsoo’s chest feels like it’s going to burst if Jongin doesn’t stop. But Jongin doesn’t, he moves his hand, just a little and then he stops and both of them look down to where their hands are inches apart on top of the soft blue comforter. Then their knuckles graze. Kyungsoo holds his breath, Jongin moves his fingers, his soft skin brushing against Kyungsoo’s and for the next few minutes their hands remain in the same position, knuckles pressed together as if they’re giving each other comfort for a reason neither of them are aware of. They don’t pull away until Joohyun walks in to check up on the kids. And Kyungsoo’s heart doesn’t calm down until Jongin drops him off and he’s alone within the safety of his dark apartment. Sehun and Junmyeon are going on a date. He’s glad that they managed to work it out because he’d prefer a Sehun who’s in love over a depressed Sehun any day. “What are you guys doing?” Baekhyun asks him over lunch when Sehun tells him about it. “Nothing special.” Sehun says. “I think we’re just going to eat something and maybe watch a movie at his place.” Baekhyun smirks and wiggles his eyebrows. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” “You’d do everything, Baek.” Kyungsoo mutters. “Exactly.” Baekhyun winks. “It’s probably not going to work out anyway. We’re too different.” Sehun shrugs. “I think you guys are perfect for each other. Opposites attract so don’t worry.” Baekhyun chugs the rest of his banana milk. “What about you? Any progress with our ice prince?” Kyungsoo hesitates for a moment, his stomach dropping before he puts on an indifferent expression. "I didn’t ask him about his parents yet.“ “They’re going to get married soon. Better prepare your wedding speech.” Sehun huffs and Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “Wait. What? What did I miss?!” Kyungsoo shakes his head at them. “You didn’t miss anything. Sehun’s just being a brat again.” "Of course.” Sehun rolls his eyes. “Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun tilts his head in confusion. "What’s going on?“ “There’s nothing, Baek. What’s wrong with you?” Kyungsoo spits in Sehun’s direction and the latter just shrugs his shoulders reluctantly like a scolded child. “He’s going to take you away from me.” “You’re being ridiculous.” “But he has a crush on you, I’m telling you-” “You know.” Baekhyun cuts in. “He’s not exactly wrong.” “What?” Kyungsoo frowns at Baekhyun. "Chanyeol told me that Jongin talks about you a lot.“ Baekhyun holds his hands up protectively when Kyungsoo gives him an exasperated look, trying to ignore the way his heart beat faltered for a second. "Hey, Chanyeol said that, not me.“ “This is stupid.” Kyungsoo huffs and pushes his chair back. “Why are you always mad at the end of every conversation?” Sehun stands up too, following him to put away their dishes. “Because you make me mad.” “I just stated the facts!” “No, you just make up bullshit all the time and drive me up the wall with it.” Kyungsoo throws his garbage away and puts the tray on the conveyor. “Okay, look I’m sorry.” Sehun sighs. “Why do you get so worked up over it anyway? So what if the guy likes you. It’s not like you like him back.” Kyungsoo just keeps walking, ignoring how he suddenly has to think of Jongin’s smile at Sehun’s words. Or how it made him feel when Jongin touched him the other night, how his palm tingled, how he couldn’t sleep the entire night because of it. “Right?” Sehun urges anxiously after catching up with him. “Of course not.” “Oh, thank God.” Yeah. It’s at the end of the week, when Jongin comes to visit the kids with them for the last time before his parents come back from Italy, that Kyungsoo realizes he let things with Jongin go too far. Everyone welcomes the boy like he’s part of them, all of them acting so comfortably around him it makes Kyungsoo’s heart fill with worry, dreading the day Jongin will stop coming here. It seems like even the orphanage itself accepts Jongin’s presence, the boy blending into the scenery like he has belonged there all along. And Kyungsoo feels like he’s the only one left that can’t seem to open up his heart. When he walks into the living room once dinner is over Jongin is sitting there, drawing something on his own since the kids are upstairs to take their baths. Kyungsoo waits for a moment, watching how concentrated Jongin looks, bent over the desk while his hand moves over the paper so effortlessly. He looks at the bones on the top of Jongin’s spine, the way his shirt is hugging his arms, how his hair falls into his eyes because the hair products are wearing off after an entire day spent at work. He wants to run his fingers through it, push his bangs back, see Jongin smile at him. Kyungsoo clears his throat when he approaches him, not wanting to startle him and ruin his drawing. Jongin looks up and starts smiling as soon as he realizes that it’s Kyungsoo. He smiles so brightly, like merely Kyungsoo’s presence is enough for him to be so happy. "What are you drawing?” Kyungsoo asks, gulping, not knowing what to do with himself and his feelings. Jongin gives him an uncertain look before patting the space next to him. Kyungsoo sits down and looks down at the drawing, his lips stretching into a soft smile when he sees the beautiful patterns. It’s a drawing of a bundle of flowers, placed on what looks to be a white pillow. Well, it’s more of a sketch since Jongin didn’t have enough time to draw it in great detail but that doesn’t mean it’s any less breathtaking. Kyungsoo traces the delicate lines. It’s the first drawing Kyungsoo has seen where Jongin used colors, so the soft purple of the petals comes as a surprise. "I didn’t know you did colored drawings.” "I don’t.” Jongin mumbles. "Usually I don’t. But it’s hard to figure out the meaning of a flower if it’s not in color, right?” Kyungsoo hums, his eyes still stuck on Jongin’s beautiful handiwork. "What kind of flower is this?” "Lilac.” Jongin eyes Kyungsoo closely, silently watches him admire the flowers. "What’s the meaning?” Kyungsoo wants to know. Jongin doesn’t answer right away so Kyungsoo looks up, only to find that the boy is looking at him with a somewhat nervous expression on his face. "I... I don’t remember.” Kyungsoo nods his head and leans back a little, sighing. "It’s beautiful.” "It’s not done yet.” Jongin looks like he’s about to clean the table but Kyungsoo reaches his hand out to stop him. "You don’t have to stop because of me.” "Oh, no it’s okay. I can’t really concentrate on anything else when I’m drawing.” He gives Kyungsoo one of his sweet smiles. "That’s fine. I’ll just watch you.“ He frowns right after saying that. "That just sounded really creepy, didn’t it?” Jongin laughs, shaking his head. "It’s okay. You can watch me if you want.” And so Kyungsoo does and he won’t ever say that out loud but watching Jongin draw is more interesting than ninety percent of the movies Sehun usually forces him to watch. Jongin’s eyes are glued to the paper underneath his hands, his right arm moving swiftly as the pencil in his hand glides over the white surface effortlessly, like he’s been doing this for years now. His back is slightly hunched, his shoulder blades moving together with his arms and Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s so transfixed by it but he is. He can hardly look away. Kyungsoo watches him create one small perfect petal after petal, the bouquet of flowers getting bigger, more majestic. And then his eyes drift away, carefully climbing up the lines of Jongin’s throat, his jaw and then trailing over his profile, his nose, his eyelashes, the strands of hair dangling in front of his eyes. He is easily the most beautiful thing Kyungsoo has ever laid his eyes on. "Do you want to try?” Jongin suddenly asks and Kyungsoo takes pride in how he manages to conceal the way he jerks out of his state of admiring the boy. "What?” He snorts and shakes his head. "No way. I can’t draw at all.” Jongin chuckles. "I can show you.” "No, really. I don’t want to ruin your drawing.” "You won’t.” Jongin insists, suddenly gripping Kyungsoo’s arm. "Come here.” Kyungsoo is hesitant and really, he’d rather not go there because it’s too close. But Jongin pouts at him when he resists and he ends up sighing in defeat, shuffling a little closer just to make Jongin stop looking at him like that. "Alright, which part am I allowed to screw up?” Jongin snorts and hands him a purple pencil. "You won’t screw anything up, hyung.“ He says. "Just fill in this petal, that’s not too hard, right?” Kyungsoo stares at the small empty petal Jongin is pointing at and grumbles under his breath, carefully placing the slightly blunt tip of the pencil in the middle of it before he dares to draw a line. He takes his hand back and compares it with a petal Jongin already filled in and shakes his head. The line he made is way too hard and dark, nothing like the soft swirls that are filling up the rest of the petals. "I told you I’d screw up.” He scoffs, placing the pencil down again. "Hyung.” Jongin shakes his head and picks it back up again. "You didn’t screw it up. Look, you’re holding the pencil wrong. You need to hold it likes this if you want to do fine, smooth lines.” Jongin demonstrates how he’s supposed to hold it. "Well, great.” Kyungsoo shrugs. "Just do it yourself. Why do you want me to do it?” "So it’ll be our drawing.” Jongin smiles at him and Kyungsoo, once again, has a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that people are going out of their way to get into Jongin’s pants, expecting him to be some kind of panty dropper while this is what Jongin truly is like. Kyungsoo sighs and snatches the pencil out of Jongin’s fingers, trying again for the boy’s sake. He tries to hold the pencil the way Jongin just showed him but the line still doesn’t come out as soft as it should. "This is stupid.” He huffs. "You’re not holding it right.” Jongin scoffs and Kyungsoo is suddenly ready to throw the pencil at the boy’s head but before he can move to do that Jongin leans closer, the side of his torso draping over Kyungsoo’s back as he reaches out to wrap his fingers around Kyungsoo’s. "Turn the pencil so the blunt side of the tip is facing the paper.” He mumbles. Kyungsoo isn’t even listening. Jongin is too close. The lines turn out soft and smooth but only because Jongin is guiding his hand, Kyungsoo isn’t doing anything, he isn’t moving at all. Jongin’s hand feels warm around his own. "Like that.” Jongin smiles down at him but Kyungsoo refuses to look up because he knows they’re too close and he doesn’t need that. What he needs is for Jongin to let go. But Jongin seems to have other ideas. Kyungsoo feels him take a breath that sounds too shaky, he can see the boy’s Adam’s apple move from the corner of his eyes and then, like he’s trying to decide if he should do it or not, Jongin curls his fingers around Kyungsoo’s, his thumb brushing over the patch of skin between Kyungsoo’s thumb and index finger until his fingers go numb and the pencil slips out of his grip. Kyungsoo holds his breath, his nape prickling from how warm Jongin feels against him. Jongin trails his fingers down to Kyungsoo’s palm and turns his hand around very slowly while Kyungsoo forcefully stares on the purple petals in front of them. Kyungsoo can feel his own heart beat in places he didn’t know his pulse could be felt. Jongin follows the heartlines on Kyungsoo’s hand with his thumb and he does it all so slowly and carefully, like he’s expecting Kyungsoo to pull away and stop him. Kyungsoo knows he should pull away but Jongin’s touch feels so pleasant and it’s like Kyungsoo’s body was craving it without him ever realizing. He gulps heavily, his heart pounding against his ribs. He finally looks up and meets Jongin’s gaze just as Jongin’s fingers slide into the spaces between his own, palms pressing together, warm and secure. He finds so much in those dark orbs and a part of him wants to know what all of it means but the bigger part of him is terrified. They’re like the sea, dark, mysterious, yet he doesn’t dare dive deeper because he doesn’t know what’s awaiting him at the deep end. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what’s going to happen if he lets himself fall for Jongin. He really doesn’t want to take the risk of finding out. Someone clears their throat. They both jump apart and Kyungsoo looks up to see Seulgi of all people standing there. "Sorry for interrupting.” She says, giving Kyungsoo a very meaningful look. "The kids are waiting for their stories.” Kyungsoo stands up on shaky legs and walks out of the room with his eyes glued to the floor, his head and heart feeling like they’re going to burst. He needs to stop this. He needs to stop it before he’s in too deep with Jongin. Kyungsoo has never wanted someone to speed the car up so much in his life. The entire ride home is a nightmare. Kyungsoo can’t stand being in the same space with Jongin any longer. When Jongin stops the car Kyungsoo turns to open the door without Jongin’s help and he’s about to break the damn window because the door isn’t budging. “Hyung, wait.” He says and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to listen, he just wants to leave but he’s just fucking weak. Jongin makes him weak. He sits back, hopes Jongin can’t see how his chest is moving too fast with how he’s breathing so hard from what must be anxiety over the entire situation. “Can we... can we meet outside of the office?” Jongin asks. “I don’t mean the orphanage. I mean... I don’t know. Drink coffee somewhere?” “What?” “I mean a date.” “A date?” Kyungsoo doesn’t know what’s happening or what he’s doing. “Why?” "Because...“ Jongin looks nervous and Kyungsoo’s reaction obviously doesn’t help with that. "I mean. I just. I... like you, hyung.” Kyungsoo just blinks at him, his mind completely shutting off. “No.” “No?” “I can’t...” Kyungsoo takes a calming breath. He needs to stop acting like a teenager for god’s sake. “I can’t go on a date with you.” Jongin stares at him for a moment, doing his best to mask the hurt in his eyes. “Okay... can I ask why?” What he wants to say is: Because I can’t be with anyone. Because I can’t function like a normal human being with emotions. Because I’ll get too attached and it’ll hurt like hell when you leave. What he ends up saying is: “I don’t like you like that.” And this time Jongin can’t hide the hurt in his eyes and it feels like Kyungsoo is getting slapped in the face. “Oh.” Jongin clears his throat and nods. “Alright. I’m sorry I didn’t think- I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. I don’t even know if you like men. Uhm. Okay. Can you please leave before I embarrass myself further?” Kyungsoo gulps. “Jongin...” “Goodnight, hyung.” Jongin reaches out to open the door for him, very careful to not touch him, a clear sign for Kyungsoo to leave. So he does. Kyungsoo looks up the meaning of lilacs that night and wishes he didn’t. He stares at the ceiling for hours in his bed, his chest swollen with guilt and something else he can’t quite put a finger on but it gets worse the more he thinks about Jongin’s handsome smile, and then the hurt look in his usually warm eyes that Kyungsoo caused by rejecting him. In the language of flowers, purple lilacs symbolize the first emotions of love. “God. You look like you died and resurrected.” Sehun says the next day when Kyungsoo comes into the office a little too late after ignoring his alarm for an entire hour. “Not today please.” Kyungsoo sits down and immediately starts working. He just wants to work through the entire day without looking up from his computer. “What happened?” Sehun asks. Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s voice from across the room and no matter how much he tells himself to ignore it, he can’t. He looks up and immediately gets caught because Jongin looks up too. Jongin’s face falls for a second but he replaces it with a polite smile but it’s tired and all wrong. Nothing like the usual smile that lights up his face. He doesn’t even wait for Kyungsoo to smile back before he turns around and leaves. It shouldn’t hurt because that’s all Kyungsoo’s fault but it does because Kyungsoo’s stupid heart wants Jongin’s smile and his voice and his touch and the rest of him too. “When were you planning on telling me?” Sehun asks, his voice suddenly serious. “Tell you what?” Kyungsoo sighs. “That you like him just as much.” “Stop.” “You can fool the others but not me, hyung.” Sehun takes a deep breath. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that. That’s how I know you like him.” “Great.” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter.” “What do you mean?” “It doesn’t matter if I like him or not.” “Of course it does-” “No it doesn’t! Now, can we please not talk about this anymore?” Kyungsoo turns to look at Sehun and there must be something really miserable on his face because Sehun suddenly looks really miserable too. “Okay.” Sehun says and smiles comfortingly. “One last thing. I may not like him but if you - for some elusive reason - decide that you like him then I’m fine with that. I know I’m always joking around but I mean it. Okay? Okay. That’s all. I’m shutting up.” Somehow that only makes him feel more miserable. Things stay like that for the next couple of days, with Kyungsoo feeling miserable and Jongin avoiding him like the plague. He can’t really eat either from all the guilt and suppressed longing he feels whenever he thinks about Jongin which he shouldn’t be complaining about since he only has a few packs of ramen left and his salary for this month is only being paid out in two weeks. So he’s sitting here, trying to eat some lunch and trying not to look up whenever someone enters the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jongin because it’s been almost a week since he last saw him and he doesn’t know what the pain in his chest means but he knows it’s not from his weak muscles in his back, not something that Sehun can make better with a massage. “What’s wrong with him?” Baekhyun asks through a mouthful. “He’s experiencing heartbreak for the first time. Leave him alone.” “What? Over who?” Baekhyun’s and Sehun’s voices are starting to blur together. Kyungsoo isn’t even listening anymore. “Oh my god. It’s Jongin, isn’t it?” Baekhyun clears his throat, deepening his voice before speaking again. "Do Kyungsoo; the latest poor soul to fall victim to the irresistible charms of ice prince Kim Jongin.” "Baek.” Sehun warns, sensing Kyungsoo’s distress. "Not now.” Baekhyun eyes Kyungsoo silently for a moment before he sighs. "I’m sorry, man. But half of the office had to experience the horrible, horrible pain of getting their hearts broken by Jongin. I think one of the interns even wrote an entire handbook on how to get over him on her blog. Wait let me find it…” Baekhyun squeezes his shoulder comfortingly with one hand while he scrolls through his phone with the other and Kyungsoo just stares down at his plate because they don’t really understand. Kyungsoo knows he doesn’t have the right to be upset but he is. It’s all his fault and all it would take to make it better again would be a few words but Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to walk up to Jongin and explain himself to him. In the long run, this is the best for both of them and if Jongin knew Kyungsoo a little better he would agree with that. “W-When will J-Jongin hyung c-come visit again?” Taeil asks him when Kyungsoo visits them again a few days later. “He’s been very busy these days.” “B-But I m-miss him.” Kyungsoo smiles at Taeil and brushes his hair out of his face. “I’m sure he misses you too.” “D-Do you miss him too?” The little boy suddenly asks. “I see him every day at work.” Kyungsoo replies although that doesn’t answer Taeil’s question because Kyungsoo does miss Jongin. More than he would’ve thought. He misses him at the side of Taeil’s bed, telling him stories in his silly voices. He misses him beside him at dinner when Seulgi arches her eyebrows at him because he isn’t really touching his food. He misses him on the rides home when it’s too silent because he got too used to Jongin singing along to the songs playing on the radio even though he can’t sing at all. “Is he y-your b-boyfriend?” “What?” “Joohyun noona s-said b-boys can love boys. And g-girls can l-love girls.” Kyungsoo chuckles nervously. “That’s true, but he’s not my boyfriend.” This makes the little boy frown. “Why n-not? Why d-don’t you love him?” “Taeil, I do like him. He’s my friend. That doesn’t mean he has to be my boyfriend.” “B-But if you like him... w-why not?” Kyungsoo can’t even answer that. Taeil makes it seem so simple. And it probably is. For normal people; it probably is just that easy. But Kyungsoo isn’t normal. He’s a fucking mess. “J-Jongin h-hyung loves you!” Taeil smiles up at him. Kyungsoo gulps and tries to smile too. “Why are you saying that?” Taeil then reaches underneath the pile of his personal belongings next to his mattress his pulls out a stash of papers. He looks through the many drawings until he finds the one he’s looking for. It’s another one that was definitely drawn by Jongin. It shows a house with people standing in front of it. Kyungsoo recognizes it to be the orphanage. “L-Look.” Taeil points at one of the people that are drawn there, the one with Kyungsoo’s name floating above its head. “H-He drew a h-heart!” Taeil points out excitedly. Kyungsoo looks closer and finally sees what Taeil means. Jongin drew a heart where his mouth should be. He’s positively drowning in a sea of guilt the entire night. One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine | Ten