It’s been more than a week since he last talked to Jongin and he didn’t imagine their first conversation to go like this.
For some reason Kyungsoo already woke up feeling weak and tired and irritated.
It didn’t get better at the office either.
Kyungsoo’s desk was overloaded with work that needed to be done by the end of the day. Sehun and Junmyeon fought over something and Sehun was being moody the entire day because of it. Taemin had to fire someone because of violation of data protection. The entire atmosphere was tense for the rest of the day.
And it was gray and raining outside.
At least he didn’t see Jongin to top all of that. He really didn’t need one more thing to worsen his headache.
Maybe he had been too quick to feel relieved.
Because just as he’s about to leave the office, he sees him again.
Maybe he deserves this but today he definitely can’t handle it.
He sees him in the copy room, and he sees the girl from last time. She’s sitting on the table there, her legs spread open despite the skirt she’s wearing and Jongin’s tie is wound around her hand, pulling him closer into the v of her bare legs.
It’s apparent from the way she looks at him, her free hand running up his chest, what is about to happen there.
Something lodges itself in Kyungsoo’s throat.
Jongin isn’t doing anything, he seems to be talking to her in a serious tone but he isn’t pulling away either.
It’s her who spots Kyungsoo again, just like last time.
She lets go of Jongin’s tie, quickly brings her legs together and hides her face behind her hands in embarrassment and Kyungsoo gets it, this could potentially cost her the internship and thus ruin her entire career.
Jongin turns around and his eyes widen when he spots Kyungsoo. He finally steps away from her and looks like he wants to approach Kyungsoo but the elevator is there so Kyungsoo quickly steps inside and furiously presses the button for the doors to slide shut despite Jongin’s calling after him.
He’s furious. He’s so incredibly upset that his sight starts getting blurry.
Kyungsoo has had enough with all these people constantly being all up in Jongin’s business, touching him and feeling him up like it’s fucking okay when it’s not. It’s not fucking okay.
And Jongin’s just-
Kyungsoo almost squeezes himself through the doors once the elevator stops in the garage because they’re not opening fast enough. He just needs to get to his car, he just needs to-
“Hyung!”
Jongin must’ve run down the stairs because he’s breathless and he’s so stupid. He could’ve tripped and cracked open his head or something.
“Hyung wait!” Jongin starts running but Kyungsoo’s already at his car and he’s almost inside when Jongin comes to a halt right behind him. He closes the car door again, his breath hitting Kyungsoo’s neck in quick puffs.
“Move.” Kyungsoo says, staring at his own reflection in the car’s window.
“No.” Jongin grips his arm and turns him around, caging him in against his car.
“Jongin, if you don’t move-”
“What?” Jongin is still trying to catch his breath, his hair is a bit messed up too but he still looks flawless and it only serves to make Kyungsoo angrier. “What are you going to do?”
Kyungsoo looks at his chest because it’s easier than meeting his burning gaze. “What do you want?”
“Why are you running away?” The younger asks, his tone slightly pleading. “I wasn’t doing anything with her. I told her I was going to report her if she didn’t stop.”
“Do I look like I care?” Kyungsoo snaps and Jongin grits his teeth together.
“You do, actually.”
“Well, I don’t.”
The air is charged between them and Kyungsoo hopes no one sees them like this, with Jongin towering over him, their faces only a breath apart.
"Why are you like this?“ Jongin asks, some of the anger leaving his face, his shoulders sagging too and Kyungsoo tries to take a breath without giving away how much his lungs are screaming for air that isn’t filled with the sweet scent of mint. "You told me you don’t like me but then you get upset when someone... when I...“ Jongin gulps and the way he’s looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes makes his breath falter.
"You’re being delusional.“ Kyungsoo mutters. His hand jerks, like he wants to reach out and pull Jongin closer just to show him that he doesn’t actually mean what he’s saying. "I don’t care what you do with anyone. I already told you I don’t like you that way. That’s not going to change.“
He doesn’t want Jongin to do anything with someone else. He can deny it all he wants but he just doesn’t want to see Jongin give his smile that makes Kyungsoo’s heart flutter so wildly to someone else.
“Is it my parents?” Jongin asks and it almost physically hurts, doing this to him. Any other person would lean up and kiss him right then and there but Kyungsoo can’t.
He doesn’t think he could do it even if he tried.
“Because I tried to talk to them. I tried doing research behind their backs but there’s nothing, no contracts or anything and no one knows about the deal. Kyungsoo, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do! Do you want me to build the kids a new orphanage? Because I will! I’ll do it with my own fucking hands if you want me to!”
Kyungsoo blinks and his throat closes up. This feels way too much like a movie. Stuff like this isn’t supposed to happen to Kyungsoo. He’s supposed to live a mundane life without being bothered or bothering anyone else in return.
But here he is, his hands shaking from how much he wants to say ‘screw it’ and give into the pure longing in his body to kiss Jongin.
“Move, Jongin. Right now.”
Jongin looks into his eyes for a moment longer and he looks so tired and helpless, blinking like he’s trying to figure out what Kyungsoo is thinking because he knows as well that the words leaving Kyungsoo’s mouth aren’t true. Jongin looks to the side and then pulls away with a frustrated sound.
He turns around and walks away, gripping his hair and Kyungsoo is one second away from calling him back but it’s one second too long because Jongin is already gone by the time he has opened his mouth.
Kyungsoo plans on spending the entire weekend in bed with no human interaction whatsoever.
He should’ve known that wouldn’t be possible with Oh Sehun as your best friend.
Because on Saturday night, when Kyungsoo is lying in his bed still dressed in his pajamas, ignoring all the phone calls and messages on his phone and only getting out of bed to use the bathroom or grab some food, someone rings on his door.
Kyungsoo ignores that too.
The ringing only gets more insistent the longer Kyungsoo ignores it out until after one full minute it turns into one continuous ring.
Kyungsoo grits his teeth together, even considers putting headphones on because not even Sehun could be persistent enough to ring the doorbell for more than a minute.
But a minute’s been over two minutes ago and Sehun’s still at it so Kyungsoo jumps out of his bed. He curses Sehun to hell and back on his way to the door where he harshly presses the button that unlocks the door downstairs.
“Forgive me, hyung, but you’re a fucking prick!” Is the first thing Sehun shouts into his face when he steps into his apartment seconds later.
Kyungsoo is about to say something back but then he sees how troubled Sehun looks and the words die in his throat.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you since yesterday night and I was spending the weekend at Junmyeon’s and didn’t want to waste it by dragging my ass here to make sure you weren’t dead. But since you’re such an inconsiderate asshole I was forced to do that anyway! The only thing I know is that Chanyeol texted me saying that Jongin is fucking depressed because of you and I don’t even know why because it’s not like you stop and consider telling me anything ever and I’m fed up with it! You can’t keep being so selfish all the time just because you never had other people to be considerate of in your life!”
Sehun is panting by the time he’s done and it seems like he only realizes what he said when Kyungsoo presses his lips together tightly. “Hyung... Oh god. I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
Kyungsoo gulps and shakes his head. “No. You’re right.”
“No, I’m not, that was out of place.”
“Sehun.” Kyungsoo cuts in. “Don’t apologize. Please.”
Sehun is right. Kyungsoo never really thinks how his actions affect the people around him. His first priority is always making sure that he’ll get out of it with his heart unharmed.
He never really considers other people’s feelings.
He never once stopped to think about how Sehun must feel. He only just kept questioning him, never really understood why Sehun wanted to be his friend in the first place no matter how hard Sehun tried to be a good friend to him, which he’s always been.
Kyungsoo in return was nothing but an ignorant douchebag in return.
“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo croaks, his voice cracking since he didn’t use it at all today. “I’m sorry for being a bad friend.”
And then Sehun’s eyes start watering because he’s always bad at containing his emotions. “You’re not. Hyung, you’re my best friend. Please don’t think that.”
“But I am. I... I will try harder, okay?”
“No. No, don’t you dare change. I can’t deal with change and I don’t want to live in a world where you’re suddenly nice to me.” The last part makes Kyungsoo laugh and Sehun too who’s still trying to hold his tears back. "I’m sorry. I love you hyung. I didn’t mean what I said... I was just worried about you.“
“Stop it.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head. "You should go back to Junmyeon. You know. Since I’m still alive and all.” Kyungsoo tries to smile but he just feels really exhausted from doing nothing.
His mind’s exhausted from all the worrying.
“No. I want you to tell me about Jongin.” Sehun shakes his head and grips Kyungsoo’s wrist, tugs him to the couch and makes him sit down. “No bullshitting again. You’re going to tell me the truth and I’m not going to leave until you have.”
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to refuse but then he thinks this is where a good friend would stop lying.
So he does.
He starts with the club, and the first time he took Jongin to the orphanage. How that was when he started looking at Jongin differently, and how it only got stronger after, and how he got scared and started pushing Jongin away once the boy told him how he felt.
By the time he’s done he feels like the biggest idiot on earth.
“You’re the biggest idiot on earth.” Sehun groans and leans back on the couch. “If I was Jongin I wouldn’t even bother with you, honestly.”
“I agree.” Kyungsoo snorts weakly.
“Oh, hyung. What are we going to do with you...?” Sehun sits up and leans his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “You’re really cruel for putting him through this shit. That kid’s been in love with you for such a long time.”
“He isn’t in love with me, okay? And we’ve only been talking to each other for a few weeks so don’t be so dramatic.”
Sehun pulls back and gives Kyungsoo an incredulous look. “Wait, are you serious?”
“What?”
“Oh my god, you are serious.” Sehun takes another deep breath. “Well, I mean you couldn’t have known, I guess...”
“Known what?!”
“I found something in Jongin’s office.”
"You went through his stuff?” Kyungsoo gives him an incredulous look.
"No, he wasn’t there and we needed to find a very important paper he was supposed to hand in that day. Anyways, I’m not going to tell you what it is, You’ll see it yourself on Monday. But seriously, hyung. I’m pretty sure Jongin’s had an eye on you for way longer than you think.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head at him and brings his hands up to rub at his eyes.
Sehun sighs and goes back to resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. "I know I always say I hate him and all. But I kind of... feel bad for him now. Stop doing this to him, Kyungsoo. Stop doing it to yourself too, most of all. Just because... just because you were left so many times before doesn’t mean everyone new in your life will too. Look at me, I’ve been in your life for almost six years now and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter. If you keep thinking that way, if you keep pushing people away, you’ll miss out on so many great things. Yeah, love can be the worst pain in the world sometimes but on the other hand it can also be the most amazing thing if you give it a chance.”
Kyungsoo turns his head and frowns at Sehun, blinking dumbly at him. "Who the hell are you?”
Sehun laughs and hides his face against Kyungsoo’s back.
He doesn’t go back to Junmyeon’s place after that. They stay up late watching the entire 9th season of Friends and Sehun’s impressing speech keeps ringing in his head until he falls asleep to the sound of Phoebe’s evil laughter.
Once Monday comes around Kyungsoo’s mind still isn’t in a better place despite Sehun trying to talk some sense into him the weekend before.
It all just seems to get worse with every passing minute he spends behind his desk, trying his best to respond to one of their customers’ e-mail.
The lack of sleep doesn’t help, so doesn’t the stabbing pain in the left side of his chest.
This time though he isn’t so sure if it’s just muscles constricting or the fact that according to Sehun, he made Jongin feel miserable.
Kyungsoo doesn’t understand how someone like him could make Kim Jongin feel anything. He also doesn’t understand why Jongin seems to think that he likes Kyungsoo when he could have anyone if he did as much as look in that person’s direction.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Kyungsoo doesn’t see him today. He isn’t even sure if the boy came into the office at all but it’s not like he’s complaining. He doesn’t think he could handle seeing Jongin today at all. Kyungsoo’s messing everything up as it is, he doesn’t want to add to it by pulling yet another stunt like he did on Friday in the parking lot.
He called Jongin delusional for god’s sake.
Kyungsoo isn’t usually like that, he doesn’t ever let his emotions control him like that but it’s like whenever Jongin looks at him, whenever he comes too close, the rational part of his mind just shuts off and uses the remaining brain cells to protect himself from possible harm.
"Did you see Jongin today?” Sehun asks him when the last employees start gathering their stuff to go home. The clock shows that it’s almost seven and Kyungsoo doesn’t even understand where the time went. He barely got any work done.
"No.” Kyungsoo doesn’t bother looking up, hoping it’ll show his friend that he really doesn’t want to talk about that right now.
"Oh.” Sehun hums, fiddling with a pen in his hand. "He probably didn’t come in, then.”
Kyungsoo shrugs, trying not to let his mind wander, trying not to worry over where he might be or why he didn’t come in today. He thinks about him being sick, about him getting into an accident and it’s all so wrong, it’s all just going downhill.
Kyungsoo shouldn’t care.
But he does.
The mouse makes a concerning sound under the death grip of Kyungsoo’s fingers and Kyungsoo closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself.
He faintly notices Sehun getting up from his desk and returning a minute later when he starts to pack his things too. "I’m going home, hyung. Are you going to be okay?”
"What kind of stupid question is that?” He asks, irritated. So much for him trying to be a better friend to Sehun. "Sorry. I’m tired.”
"I know.” Sehun shoulders his bag and bites the corner of his lips, gazing at him with concern in his eyes. "Can you text me when you’re done here?”
Kyungsoo looks up and frowns. "Why?”
Sehun shrugs. "I don’t know. I just want to make sure you’re fine.” He gives Kyungsoo a weird smile before turning around and walking away.
Before Kyungsoo can even question his weird behavior Junmyeon walks up to his desk with the same strange expression on his face that Sehun carried mere seconds ago.
"Are you about to leave?” Junmyeon asks him.
"No, I still have a few things to do.”
Junmyeon nods and places a see through folder on Kyungsoo’s desk. "In that case I’d really appreciate it you could copy these for me and put those on Jongin’s desk.”
Kyungsoo freezes at the mention of his name for a nano second, his eyes flickering up from the folder to Junmyeon’s face with narrowed eyes. "I’m not your personal assistant, you know.”
"I know but Yerim had an appointment this afternoon so I had to do all the administrative stuff myself. I barely had time to do my actual work.” Junmyeon sighs. "Jongin will come over in a few hours to pick those up so please do that because I really need to leave.” He looks at his wrist watch and his eyes widen a fraction. "I have a dinner meeting in about twenty minutes.”
"Look, I’m really busy and I’m sorry but can’t someone else-”
"You’re the only one left at the office Kyungsoo!” Junmyeon starts walking away. "I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow!” He says over his shoulder and Kyungsoo decides to just drop it.
He wasn’t going to be finished with his work today anyway so he might as well just do what Junmyeon’s asking him to and then call it a day.
"You’re the best!” He hears Junmyeon shout when he’s already in the copy room. He sighs and listens to the mechanic sounds of the copier as the endless pages slide through it.
His gaze drifts to the table on the other side and his jaw automatically tightens when he remembers the scene from the week before.
He wonders if that girl would’ve had her way with Jongin right then and there if Jongin had given in.
He also wonders if Jongin ever considered giving in because any other man in his place most probably would have.
His grip on the copies is too tight once they’re done and he’s pretty sure he’s leaving wrinkles in the pages as he carries them to Jongin’s office but he couldn’t be bothered less right now. It doesn’t happen often that Kyungsoo gets so upset over things but it seems like Jongin makes him feel a lot of things that are usually foreign to Kyungsoo.
He feels uneasy about entering Jongin’s office despite knowing that the boy isn’t in there. He feels like rooms with doors with people’s names written on them are simply off limits. He sighs and pushes the handle down, half expecting it to be locked but the door opens and Kyungsoo quickly walks to Jongin’s table without looking around, not wanting to spend too much time in there since it feels like he’s invading Jongin’s privacy.
But just when he’s about to put the folder down on his desk his gaze lands on something peeking out from underneath the many envelopes in the middle of Jongin’s desk. It looks like whoever put it there made it so that the next person would definitely see it.
He just knows that it’s Sehun’s and Junmyeon’s work. Because he remembers what Sehun told him, about having to show him something at the office and Junmyeon would never make him do something as absurd as this.
Kyungsoo’s mind is whirring as he tries to make sense of what his eyes are looking at.
It’s a drawing.
And it shouldn’t throw him off so much, Jongin already told him that he sometimes draws at the office too. He should just put the folder down and leave.
But he can’t.
Because he’s pretty sure that this is a drawing of him.
It’s Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo wants to leave, he wants to ignore this and tell himself that it isn’t him because he still can, he still hasn’t seen the drawing clearly because why on earth would Jongin waste his time drawing Kyungsoo?
He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels so nervous, or why his heart is beating so painfully in his chest as he puts the folder down, his fingers hesitatingly reaching out to pull the drawing out.
The page is covered in different shades and shapes of charcoal, graceful curves and smooth lines drawn in a way that makes the drawing in front of him look like it’s a photograph rather than something created by Jongin’s hands.
But it's not the breathtakingly beautiful way Jongin brings those lines down on paper hat makes Kyungsoo's hands shake.
The way Jongin drew him makes him look like something so... ethereal, something Kyungsoo definitely isn’t.
He doesn't get why Jongin would want to draw him in the first place, someone so plain and unremarkable.
It looks like Jongin spent hours on this, perfecting every single line, paying attention to every single detail.
From the moles on his neck to the small dimple in the corner of his mouth to the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what it’s supposed to portray but it almost hurts to look at.
He doesn’t remember having his hair like that, or owning a sweater like that, so he guesses that Jongin made this up from his mind and he can’t help but feel overwhelmed and awed and intimidated at the same time.
Kyungsoo’s mind is reeling, thinking about Jongin spending way too much time on this, leaning over his desk, dirtying his fingers with charcoal and something just lodges itself in his throat, his heart throbbing from guilt and other feelings that Kyungsoo just doesn’t want to have.
He’s about to put the drawing down, pretend to never have seen it but he notices something written on the back. He turns it around and spots two tiny dates scribbled down in the right corner and his heart stutters in his chest.
The first date is almost from six months back while the second one was only three weeks ago, around the same time he took Jongin to the orphanage for the first time.
Kyungsoo doesn’t know anything about drawings or how Jongin handles them but it doesn’t take a genius to realize that those are the starting and finishing dates.
Jongin started drawing this - drawing Kyungsoo - almost half a year ago.
He doesn’t hear anyone stepping into the room since he left the door open but he notices a
shadow from the corners of his eyes and sure enough, when he looks up, he finds Jongin standing there, looking at Kyungsoo with his warm eyes that are filled with confusion right now.
Kyungsoo puts the drawing down. It’s too late to pretend he didn’t see it.
Jongin steps closer and his eyes take in the top of his desk, land on the drawing and Kyungsoo sees his Adam’s apple move when he gulps as he makes sense of the entire situation.
"I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo utters, stepping away from the desk and closer to the door instead. "I had to drop something off and I... I didn’t mean to snoop in your things. It was just there-”
"It’s okay.” Jongin interrupts softly, his eyebrows scrunched up in the middle. "You weren’t meant to see that. I didn’t put it there. Just... Just so you know.”
Kyungsoo nods, he knows this is all on Sehun and maybe Junmyeon. He stares at Jongin’s profile and suddenly wishes that Jongin would fully turn around and look into Kyungsoo’s eyes. "Jongin.” He says before he can think better of it.
He can’t really think at all right now, with his blood rushing through his ears so loudly and his heart pounding against his ribcage so urgently.
Jongin looks up and Kyungsoo tries not to shy away from the eye contact, no matter how hard it is.
"Why…” Kyungsoo starts, looks down at his shoes with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. "What is the meaning of that?”
Jongin eyes him quietly and Kyungsoo notices that he - once again - looks extremely tired and he can’t help but worry. "You already know.”
"But that... You started drawing this months ago, Jongin. I don’t get it. And please don’t tell me you liked me back then too because I find that really hard to believe.”
"Why?” Jongin huffs.
"How can you like someone without knowing them first?”
Jongin sighs. "Okay, maybe I didn’t like you back then but I found you interesting, hyung. You were so quiet and hardworking and you just completely ignored my existence which no one had ever done before. And I liked the way you looked. I liked your face and I wanted to draw you. Is that so hard to understand?”
"What are you trying to do?” Kyungsoo asks back, tired of all this. He really just wants to turn back time and stop himself from agreeing to his friends’ plans. "Is this some kind of bet or something?”
"What are you talking about?” Jongin steps closer, an urgent look in his eyes.
"You can’t like me. That’s ridiculous.”
"Ridiculous.” Jongin repeats and Kyungsoo hates himself when he sees hurt flashing in his eyes. "You know what’s ridiculous? That you treat me like this when it’s clear as day that I’m... that I’m crazy about you.”
Kyungsoo exhales shakily, his skin prickling from Jongin’s words. "You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Jongin gives him a disbelieving look. "I’m saying that I like you. And you made it clear that you don’t feel the same about me and that’s- that’s okay. I can accept that but stop trying to make me believe that what I feel for you isn’t real because it is. Because I can’t stop thinking about you and it hurts when you say those things.”
Kyungsoo looks away, his fingers curling into a fist and he just wants to punch himself most of all, for not being able to function like a normal human being and stop treating Jongin like a criminal for having feelings. Jongin picks up the folder Kyungsoo put there and he turns around, side stepping Kyungsoo without looking at him and he’s about to leave and Kyungsoo... he doesn’t want that.
"Wait.” He rushes out, turning around to see that Jongin stops walking. He stares at Jongin’s back with his nape burning up and his head pounding. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such an asshole but I just…”
He wants to say that he’s scared but the words won’t come out.
Jongin turns to look at him and all Kyungsoo wants to do is wrap him up in his arms and make him sleep from how exhausted he looks. "You what?”
"I…” Kyungsoo starts but he ends up shaking his head for a lack of words.
Jongin steps closer hesitatingly, like he’s approaching a wild animal. "Do you like me?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head.
But Jongin still steps closer. "Hyung.” He says, can’t quite mask the hurt in his voice. "Please look at me.”
And Kyungsoo does after a moment.
"Do you like me?” Jongin repeats and Kyungsoo hates how scared he sounds. Everything in him screams to tell him what he wants to hear because he doesn’t think he can bear seeing Jongin like this because of Kyungsoo.
"Jongin, don’t do this, please.”
"I’m not doing anything.” Jongin is too close now, the tips of their shoes touching and Kyungsoo can feel the warmth radiating from his body, the scent of mint hitting Kyungsoo and it’s so oddly familiar and comforting.
Kyungsoo finds himself leaning in and when he feels Jongin’s warm breath on his temple a tremor runs through his body and no matter how strong he thinks he is, he’s obviously too weak when it comes to Jongin because he just wants to give in.
Jongin’s fingers touch Kyungsoo’s, curling around his wrist. Not forcefully, just like a steadying touch, to make sure Kyungsoo doesn’t shy away. "Hyung.”
Kyungsoo gulps and looks up and their faces are only a breath apart and Jongin is even more breathtaking from up close and Kyungsoo just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why Jongin would ever settle for Kyungsoo when he could have the entire world.
He doesn’t know who leans in but his breath suddenly comes in tiny puffs, his heart stuttering in his chest when he can feel Jongin’s breath on his lips, when their lips almost touch and he doesn’t know when or why his hands have done that but they’re gripping Jongin’s waist, pushing him away a little when their lips brush and Kyungsoo shudders because the want is suddenly unbearable.
"Wait.” He whispers and Jongin immediately stops, their foreheads touching, noses brushing and Kyungsoo curses himself to hell and back for interrupting them. "Not here.”
He still needs this job and he can’t take the risk of getting caught. Workplace dating is strictly prohibited and he knows a lot of people at their office still do it but they do it in private so he thinks they should too, even if Jongin is Taemin’s cousin and wouldn’t get fired even for that.
Jongin nods and licks his lips and Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he does it on purpose but Kyungsoo nearly loses his mind. "Come home with me.” Jongin mumbles and there’s still uncertainty in his voice, like he’s expecting Kyungsoo to back out.
But Kyungsoo isn’t backing out, not this time.
So he nods.
Jongin’s apartment is in the outskirts of the city and it covers an entire floor, more than thrice as big as Kyungsoo’s own measly apartment.
Jongin watches him quietly while Kyungsoo’s eyes dart around to take it all in. It’s very minimalistic, with white and black furniture kept to a minimum. There’s no decoration apart from the endless drawings and paintings scattered over almost every surface, some of the bigger ones either taped to the walls or hanging there in frames.
It doesn’t really look like what Kyungsoo imagines a home to look.
It’s really clean too and that somehow surprises Jongin.
"I have a housecleaner.” Jongin explains when he sees the way Kyungsoo scans the surfaces for dust. Jongin takes Kyungsoo’s jacket for him and hangs it up on the rack. "I’m not here much.”
Kyungsoo nods and suddenly feels sad when looking at the apartment. There aren’t even pictures of his family. He isn’t sure what he expected but just looking at the empty walls makes it look like Jongin isn’t living much more different than Kyungsoo is. Alone.
Kyungsoo - despite the nerves - gives Jongin a look as if to ask for permission when he approaches the artwork on the walls and Jongin gives him an approving smile. "Would you like some tea?” Jongin asks to which Kyungsoo nods his head. He faintly notices Jongin leaving the room before he hears the sound of water boiling but his eyes stay glued to Jongin’s art through it all.
Jongin comes back and hands him a cup of tea. Kyungsoo smiles at him, Jongin smiles back and Kyungsoo can’t quite understand that this is his life, that he’s head over heels for this person and that Jongin is smiling at him like he’s the entire world.
Kyungsoo sips at his tea nervously and turns back to the paintings while Jongin sits down on the couch and watches him quietly. Kyungsoo takes his time, studying all the drawings in detail, like he’s in some kind of art museum. It feels like it, with the difference that Jongin’s drawings and paintings are more beautiful than those so called masterpieces. Yeah, beauty’s in the eye of the beholder but those people haven’t seen Jongin’s pieces.
Because while Kyungsoo never had a clue what those artists tried to portray with their paintings even after studying it for hours for school projects, Jongin’s drawings give him goose bumps, they make him want to sit down and listen to him talk about them for hours and hours because the way the colors swirl and blend together, the way he connects those charcoal lines, it’s like he’s telling entire stories on the canvas.
He faintly registers Jongin stepping up beside him, feels the younger’s eyes on the side of his face.
"They’re beautiful.” Kyungsoo speaks around the sudden lump in his throat. "You’re really talented, Jongin.” He turns to look him in the eyes and he can’t help but feel proud. He doesn’t understand why but he feels so incredibly proud of Jongin and that doesn’t make any sense.
Jongin smiles and Kyungsoo wants to melt and he does, when Jongin turns to face him, when he reaches out to take the cup out of Kyungsoo’s hand to put it on the coffee table instead, when he comes back to take his hand and tugs him closer until their chests almost bump together. "Can I kiss you now?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t even think before he nods, lets Jongin’s hands wander until they’re cupping his face, tilting it up gently to connect their eyes. Kyungsoo exhales shakily upon seeing the look in Jongin’s eyes, the pure longing there shaking him to the core of his bones. He reaches out to hold onto Jongin’s waist to hide the way his hands are trembling from nerves.
Kyungsoo tilts his head up because he’s going to burst if he has to wait any longer, his skin pulled taught from how much he wants to kiss Jongin. Their noses brush, Kyungsoo closes his eyes and the next second there’s warm pressure on his lips.
Jongin moves away an inch, looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes as if to ask if it’s okay and Kyungsoo can only focus on the warmth pooling in his stomach, the dazed look in Jongin’s eyes, so he nods, leans up and presses their lips together again. Jongin’s grip on him tightens and he tilts his head to kiss him deeper and all Kyungsoo feels is the warmth and softness of his plush lips sliding over his own.
Jongin kisses him slowly, like he’s tasting the sweetness of honey for the first and last time, inhaling Kyungsoo’s sighs against his lips whenever their lips part with a soft smack.
Kyungsoo is gripping the fabric of Jongin’s jacket to keep some sense of reality while they’re kissing each other like they’re trying to memorize the other’s taste, every swipe of Jongin’s warm tongue making the lump of warmth in his stomach and chest grow and tighten.
"Hyung.” Jongin breathes against his lips once they pull away, their lips moving together from how close they still are. Kyungsoo doesn’t dare opening his eyes, he just holds Jongin closer and tries to calm his heart. "You like me too.”
Kyungsoo’s arms slide around Jongin’s waist, pressing them closer together and he nods his head, not bothering denying it any longer, kissing Jongin’s lips again and again until he forgets his own name and all he can think about is him in his arms, the way Jongin shudders when their tongues meet.
"Don’t push me away anymore.” Jongin whispers in between kisses, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles against Kyungsoo’s cheeks. "Please.”
Kyungsoo breathes in Jongin’s scent and nods again, pressing gentle kisses against Jongin’s lips, both of them huffing small breaths into the other’s mouth. "I won’t.” He moves his head to the side, his chest heaving as he kisses the warmth of Jongin’s cheek. "I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t know where the courage comes from, how he can hold on to Jongin like this, how he can kiss him without restraints just because his heart’s yearning for it so endlessly. He feels like he’s drunk from Jongin’s scent and warmth, it’s the only way he can explain his lack of concerns.
But as his head starts clearing up so do the troubling thoughts.
He tries to push them away as best as he can, not wanting to destroy this moment he has with Jongin. He likes how Jongin is holding him, likes how pliant Jongin’s beautiful lips are against his own, likes how light headed Jongin makes him feel.
"I should go.” He utters, resting his forehead against Jongin’s shoulder. It must be close to nine and if he stays any longer he worries that Jongin might ask him to stay over.
Jongin thankfully nods without objecting. "I can drive you home.”
"You don’t have to, I can call a cab-”
"I’ll drive you, hyung.” Jongin insists, pulling back.
Now, with both of them having calmed down and Kyungsoo’s head not as clouded with the feel of Jongin’s lips, there’s an uncertain air between them and Kyungsoo sees it reflected in the tense look in Jongin’s eyes.
He clears his head, nodding as he takes another step back. "Alright.”
The drive to Kyungsoo’s apartment is spent surrounded by the soft tunes playing from the radio, neither of them speaking. Kyungsoo can’t keep his hands still, his skin tingling as his mind repeats the scenes over and over in his head.
He has to gulp heavily because he can still feel the shuddery breaths from Jongin on his lips, can still feel the warmth of his mouth and god, his body just screams to reach out and kiss Jongin again.
Once they arrive Jongin doesn’t turn the engine off so Kyungsoo takes this as a silent request to leave as quickly as possible.
"Uhm.” Kyungsoo clears his throat. "Can you...?” He points at the door since Kyungsoo still hasn’t figured out how the hell that futuristic handle is supposed to open the door.
Jongin gazes at him for an unnerving second before he nods his head and leans over Kyungsoo, his biceps pressing up against Kyungsoo’s chest and Kyungsoo literally feels his body go weak from the touch. The door opens with a quick sound and Jongin is about to pull back but Kyungsoo knows that if he doesn’t do anything now, they will probably be back to square one by tomorrow morning.
He curls his fingers into the front of Jongin’s shirt before the boy can lean back again and as Jongin’s eyes find his and his lips fall open around a question that is certainly about to come Kyungsoo just tosses all his fears and worries out the window.
Kyungsoo leans in and presses their lips together, suppressing the moan at the back of his throat that wants to come out from how a simple kiss like that affects his entire body. He feels Jongin leaning closer, one of his hands coming up to cup Kyungsoo’s cheek while his other arm is supporting his weight on the armrest between them. Kyungsoo reaches his other hand up to curl it into the back of Jongin’s head, into his hair, pulling him closer while Jongin kisses him over and over again.
Jongin presses closer and Kyungsoo pulls him closer but nothing seems close enough and soon they’re both panting against the other’s lips. Kyungsoo’s shuddering from how Jongin’s lips against his own turn him into this useless mess.
"I can’t read you.” Jongin whispers against his lips, their foreheads pressed together. "I can’t tell if we... if we’re on the same page.”
Kyungsoo gulps, his fingers absently stroking through Jongin’s soft hair. "What do you want?”
Jongin’s thumb brushes over Kyungsoo’s chin and Kyungsoo never thought he’d like being treated like this, so gently and he’s pretty sure he only lets it happen because this is Jongin and Kyungsoo is pretty much transfixed by everything the boy does to him. "I want to get to know you better. I know next to nothing about you…” Jongin licks his lips and Kyungsoo bites down on his tongue to hold himself together.
He has more self control than this.
"And I want to be able to kiss you along the way.” Jongin adds and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at the timid look in the younger’s eyes.
He knows he’ll have to open up to Jongin eventually if he wants this to work out but the thought still scares him. He doesn’t know how Jongin will react to the fact that Kyungsoo doesn’t even have a real family name, that he lives in an apartment that resembles a rat hole, that he probably wouldn’t be able to find a good job if he’d get fired from his current one.
And that alone makes him want to back out as quickly as possible before he can’t run away from this anymore. Because right now, he still can. He thinks he isn’t too attached right now, it wouldn’t hurt if he pushed Jongin out of his life but he needs to do it now before it’s too late.
But then he looks into Jongin’s beautiful eyes and his heart flutters like a hummingbird in his chest and he just doesn’t want to run away from this at all.
"Okay. I want that too.”
When Jongin smiles at him after it’s like the sun goes up in his face and it makes warmth spread on every inch of Kyungsoo’s skin.
He doesn’t know if he’ll regret his words tomorrow but he’s pretty sure he couldn’t ever regret making Jongin smile like that.
The next morning, for the first time ever since Kyungsoo started working here, he contemplates calling in sick.
Because he does feel sick.
Sick and absolutely terrified.
He doesn’t know what Jongin and him are, doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act around him and Kyungsoo just hates feeling like he’s been thrown into the deep end.
And it’s not Jongin’s fault.
Except it is, because if Jongin wasn’t so... if he wasn’t so handsome, so caring, if his eyes wouldn’t make Kyungsoo’s insides melt whenever he looked at him, Kyungsoo wouldn’t have made such reckless decisions.
"What are you thinking?” Sehun asks him later when Kyungsoo is drowning himself in work in order to ignore everything that’s going on around him.
"Nothing.” Kyungsoo is already having his third cup of coffee and it's barely ten in the morning. "Let me work."
"Kyungsoo..." Sehun leans a little closer to eye him carefully. "You saw it, right?"
"What part of let me work don't you understand?"
"It's amazing, isn't it?" Sehun whispers.
"Yes." Is what Kyungsoo says, figuring it'll make Sehun lay off sooner so he can actually get some work done for once. Kyungsoo suddenly feels his face heat up when Sehun smirks at him, his mind replaying everything that happened between him and Jongin over and over again. His skin tingles, remembering how it felt to kiss him.
Sehun groans obnoxiously and kicks at his chair which earns him a warning glare from Kyungsoo. "He fucking drew you, hyung!"
"I know, Sehun, now please be quiet."
"No, screw that. He didn't just draw you... he, like, I don't know. Have you seen how detailed it was? He must've spent hours on that thing!"
"Stop-" Kyungsoo stops talking when he suddenly sees Jongin entering the office.
Jongin looks absolutely horrible and it matches the way Kyungsoo suddenly feels when he sees how puffy Jongin’s eyes look.
Something’s wrong.
Because Jongin doesn’t even greet the girl at the entrance like he usually would. There’s a weird look in his eyes and he just walks towards his room without gazing anywhere else and for some reason, an uneasy feeling spreads in Kyungsoo’s stomach.
Sehun, who watched the entire scene silently, clears his throat to catch Kyungsoo's attention and leans back in his chair. "I'm just saying. When I drew Baekhyun I drew a penis in place of his nose. He’s completely in love with you, hyung.“
"We shouldn’t talk about this here.“ Kyungsoo utters absently, his eyes flickering over the paper in front of him without really processing any of the content because he’s too busy trying not to go after him.
What’s going on?
Is Jongin the one who regrets saying those things?
The dread pooling in Kyungsoo’s stomach makes him want to throw up the coffee he drank mere minutes ago.
And then the elevator doors slide open again and he sees Taemin step out of it, Jongin’s father by his side. They both look stressed and Kyungsoo knows for sure that something isn’t right.
"What the hell is that about?“ Sehun asks, almost like he sensed the weird atmosphere as well.
Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders and tries to go back to work but his eyes keep drifting back to where they disappeared, his stomach churning strangely.
A couple of moments later a loud thump is heard, in fact, it’s so loud that all the heads in the room shoot up, worried glances directed to Taemin’s office where the sound came from. Kyungsoo tenses immediately, his body automatically moving to get up until he remembers that this isn’t any of his business.
He hears loud voices and the loudest of them is Jongin’s. Kyungsoo can’t understand what he’s saying but he has never heard Jongin talk like that and everyone else seem to think that too as they politely avert their eyes, pretending not to hear the argument that is obviously happening behind those closed doors.
Sehun shoots him a worried look and Kyungsoo tries to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach.
And a moment later the door bursts open and Kyungsoo lifts his head just in time to see Jongin pushing the door to the staircase open. Jongin’s father follows soon after, looking pale in the face but Taemin holds him back by his arm, saying things to him that Kyungsoo can’t hear.
Kyungsoo shoots up from his seat as soon as Taemin and Jongin’s father are back inside the office.
"Where are you going?“ Sehun asks him.
"I just... I need to check up on him.“ Kyungsoo knows he shouldn’t, he doesn’t feel like he’s the person Jongin wants to see right now but it scares him how distressed all of them looked and how they were shouting and he doesn’t want Jongin to get in his car like that.
He rushes down the stairs and his lungs burn when he’s down in the parking lot, his eyes darting around trying to find Jongin.
When he spots him the boy is about to get in his car so Kyungsoo just makes a run for it, the sound of his feet making Jongin look up.
He’s crying.
"Jongin…” Kyungsoo says, trying to catch his breath. The concern is almost eating him up by now. "What’s wrong?”
Jongin doesn’t say anything, he just opens the door and tries to get in but Kyungsoo shakes his head and walks around the car to grip his arm. "Let me go.” Jongin croaks.
"You can’t drive like this.”
"I need to get away from here.” Jongin’s voice is shaking and so are his hands.
"I’ll drive you.”
And Kyungsoo expects him to protest but Jongin doesn’t. He lets Kyungsoo push him into the passenger seat, lets him buckle him up and Kyungsoo looks into his eyes, worried to no end but Jongin isn’t looking at him. There are silent tears on his face and his jaw is clenched.
Kyungsoo sighs and starts the car, feeling slightly nervous about driving such an expensive car. "Where do you need to go?”
Jongin sniffles and Kyungsoo hears him take a trembling breath. "Home.”
As soon as he parks the car in front of Jongin’s apartment the boy jumps out of the car and Kyungsoo frowns because he still has the keys. He shuts the engine off and follows him, sees Jongin leaning against the door with his forehead until a buzzing sound is heard and the door opens.
A middle aged woman is waiting at the apartment door, a worried look on her face.
"Mr. Kim?” She asks, cautiously stepping aside when Jongin pushes past her into his apartment. "Is everything alright? Did you forget something?”
"You can go home for today.” Jongin shrugs out of his jacket and turns to her, bowing despite everything. "Thank you.”
The woman still seems worried. "Alright. Please call me if you need anything.”
She quickly goes to grab her keys and Kyungsoo hastily bows when she gives him a polite smile. The lady closes the door behind herself, leaving nothing but silence behind.
Kyungsoo turns around and looks at Jongin’s back.
And then - right in front of Kyungsoo’s eyes - Jongin completely loses it.
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